I hope to have the rest completed and edited in a few weeks, and will post then for critiques on the full story.

------
Terry Gilbert slammed his book shut. Can't focus. He was too damned hungry to handle The Iliad; all he had eaten that day was a two-dollar pack of carrots. It was Friday night, and direct deposit wouldn't hit until Monday.

He smacked the book down and looked around the Seven Hands Tattoo Parlor. Frank, proprietor and chief artist, held a driver's license high in his well-inked left arm. He was tall and bald, with bushy grey eyebrows and a hooked nose, and he was glaring at a teen who bristled with piercings. "Push me," he said. "I got no reason not to call the cops."

The teen stormed past Terry and out the door. "Buncha freaks out tonight," Terry said.

"Yep," Frank said. "Take a look at this guy."
-----

If anyone's interested, this story is based on the start given by TMan1969 in this post, although it's SF instead of fantasy and has nothing to do with the story that's partly unfolded in that thread. Just goes to show what the right prompt can do for you at the right time.

"Yep," Frank said. "Take a look at this guy." I heard "Yup" in my head when I read it. never really heard someone say "Yep".

$2 pack of carrots: that's a big meal! Not an enjoyable one, though, I'd expect.

Next paragraph, I don't get what's happening. What is MC's relationship to the parlor and to Frank? Why is he holding up a driver's license? Why's he saying "push me" -- what did the teenager do?

Whose license is it? If it's the teenager's, why didn't he take it with him?

I like the quirkiness of the financial difficulty. My guess is starting with the teenager isn't the right place -- he's gone, so he's *probably* not important to the story -- but I'm not sure since I didn't understand the interaction.

Thanks to all critters. This definitely helped get the opening off my mind, and it fixed something that was broken, too.

I'm not sure if anyone cares, but we're all about sharing information here, right? So here's my analysis of the intro and the critiques.

Here were my goals in the introduction:

• Establish Terry's POV.
• Characterize Terry as not the stereotypical tattooed man.
• Characterize Frank as tough, no-nonsense, but also non-criminal.
• Introduce (or promise the introduction of) one of the "freaks who are out tonight" (which should have been the hook)
• Let the reader know that Terry's broke.
  

Note there's no teen in that list -- I was trying to characterize Frank through him, and give the reader someone else that Terry can look at, which helps characterize Terry. Priscillabgoo got the intent right, but why risk confusing people needlessly? Yeah, he can go, as long as I'm willing to be more straightforward.

Also, if the freak is the hook, I should get him into the first scene. "Nothing extraordinary happens here" is true right now -- the extraordinary is only hinted at.

And wbriggs, I almost laughed when you commented on how big the meal was. I somehow dropped the words "the remnant of" for that bag of carrots.

Regarding Sara's comment, who thinks I should have the SF element right away? It doesn't really come out until at least a third of the way through the story -- part of the MC's problem is finding out what's making things happen the way they are. (I won't give the spoiler just yet, in case anyone reads the final version -- then you can tell me if the discovery was done well.)

I don't need you to tell me "Can't focus" his action - slamming the book and looking around the shop shows me it.

Ex - using your words . . .

Terry Gilbert slammed his book shut. He was too damned hungry to handle The Iliad; all he had eaten that day a two-dollar pack of carrots. It was Friday night, and direct deposit wouldn't hit until Monday. He smacked the book down and looked around the Seven Hands Tattoo Parlor.

"Buncha freaks out tonight," Terry said.

****

What I know now - Terry is broke, well educated or at least in the process of becoming well educated, and sitting in a tattoo parlor commenting on "freaks." You have my interest.

Other than the charaterization of Frank, which should start with his response, those 5 sentances (approx. 6 lines) accomplish most of your goals. Now you can naturally show me Frank and Terry's relationship with him through the "freak" discussion and what happens next.

Now use the other 7 lines to draw me further in.

It's near-future SF. The "freak" who's about to walk through the door is a clean-cut tall blond man with no tattoos. ("Freak" is in part situational.) Terry starts off thinking that the freak has infected him with a nerve agent, but it turns out that he was injected with nanobots designed to... well, anyway, he doesn't discover right away that they're bots, but they are, and that's the SF aspect of it. The story wouldn't work if they weren't engineered (although technically they could be biological rather than mechanical).

Maybe I should have a very, very brief cover letter that says, "the SF aspect of this near-future story isn't explicit until 3000 words..." or something like that.