quote: His beatific smile declared that he was at peace with the world despite its countless ills–- or perhaps because of them. He never blinked his stone gray eyes, or if he did, it was so quick that I’d always miss it.
He was dressed in gray and white. Just looking at his coarse tweed jacket made me itch. He was short, skinny as a match and his wrinkled skin was the texture of burnt cigarette. I thought he’d disintegrate if I sneezed on him.
He smoothed over a few wisps of smoky hair which had come undone from his comb-over. With the same hand he reached out to shake mine. “I’ll, be your viviscintist”
“You mean soul-surgeon.”
He laughed. “If I could touch souls, Mr. Plank I would have been a poet.”
The description of the viviscentist came from a character sketch I made of a man I saw while walking home from school. Since then, I've always been looking to put him in one of my stories and I think he fits well in this piece. Just wondering if the description is strong enough for a hook. Thanks!
posted
Perhaps you ought to name him to start. It lets us get more of a feel of him. I like the way you made him the focus rather than the first person "I," minimizes the alienating effect first person stories sometimes have if they get too introspective. The first two lines make him out to be a mysterious man, and the second two lines make him out to be a frumpy old weakling. For me the two didn't square well, I find it hard to imagine a slightly funny looking frumpy old man in a comb-over with an aura of mystery about him. But the conversation bespeaks wit, and is very good, I liked that part a lot.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
All the paragraphs start with "He/His" turn one around to change the rythm. "Burnt cigarrette"? How about "smoking paper"/"cigarrette paper" (what's the word in English)? Otherwise very interesting. I dissagree on throwing the word "viviwhatever" in the begining: the description is enough to make the reader envision some kind of new-age or spiritual guy and giving him a name wraps up the begining nicely. In a sense, you have a whole story in those 13 lines where the reader's interest is aroused by the description of a guy who can't be too normal and all suspicions are confirmed when he introduces himself
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
This could work for me if you established the narrator better. As it is, the description failed to produce a definite image of the character being described. But I liked the dialog.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Also, "viviscentist" reads far too much like vivisectionist, which is an actual word. Even if the reader only mistakes it for "vivisectist" (not generally an accepted usage), it still doesn't convey the right meaning.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I liked it, but I would agree with defining the subject character--naming him, I mean. Otherwise it feels as if I've jumped into the middle of the story instead of the beginning, which tends to confuse, which tends to turn me off.
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