posted
Tehla was one of the many Grade A certified organic robots built by Lemah industries and as of right now she was owned by Hershel Null. Hershel had died last week of heart failure, but before he expired he asked her, “to take care of everything” an undefined, open order. She did just that, and in doing so had alerted her creators. If she had a sense of fear she would run, but her main focus was her duty to Hershel – her master. Her hand carefully placed an energy chip into Hershel’s back hard drive. She initiated the start program by pressing in on Hershel’s third vertebrae and waited for Hershel to awaken. When Hershel moved, Tehla smiled. Hershel slowly, painfully awakened to see his faithful servant, “God, I feel like I have been run over by a truck..was I”
does it sound interesting..does it grab your attention?
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited December 18, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 18, 2006).]
posted
I agree, this opening is very confusing. Haman attributes for the robot and vice versa it seems
Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Way infodumpy, which is a shame because it's actually a halfway decent (if venerable) SF idea, what happens when robots start building androids to fulfil their innate drive to have masters?
I like the story idea, but there's no way I'll read the whole story if it opens like this. I'll just say, "Oh, that's like [insert obscure classic title], too bad it's written in summary or I might like to read it."
posted
Thanks guys, I have made some improvements and changes to it. I agree Survivor it has potential to be bigger, and right now I am going to finish it - then I will see.
Again thanks guys, and there is a reason for human characteristics..again thanks all!
posted
I agree somewhat with Survivor. I like the idea. I would read a couple chapters to see if its as interesting as I think it could be.
I think you can leave some of the info, specifically in the first sentence, out until the second or third paragraph. Maybe later.
I would simply open up with the robot putting the energy chip in and booting up its master. And give the info through conversation next paragraph or so.
posted
I trimmed down the "how he died" and built up Tehla. Right now the story is taking some interesting twists and I will play it out to see where it ends..thanks for all your input!
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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