posted
Could you please review what I have written and tell me if I am addressing the suggestions properly?
Thank you VERY much!
“Do you see any sign of him?” Russell could hear the tension in his friend’s voice. “Not yet.” He continued searching the darkness for any sign of Tony. Phillip’s voice became clear and cold. “If Clarence ever comes back, I will personally see that he never leaves.” Russell could hardly argue with him. Clarence had been trouble since he was first taken in eight years prior. He was the only shapeshifter of his type in the area so he was to oversee Tony’s change in case something went wrong, but he had left him alone. Something had gone wrong and Tony was now roaming the countryside. “I doubt he will show his face around here again. He knows –” A woman’s scream sliced through the air.
posted
I don't know what this is in reference to, but I can still comment.
This scene (before the scream) has one focus: Tony's disappearance. But we don't know who Tony is or why he disappeared or why anyone cares, so *we* can't care -- or, at least, I can't.
posted
The focus is not supposed to be on "Tony" because he will not show up again in the story. The focus should be on the woman or at least Phillip and Russell..
I'll try reworking it to see if I can shift attention...
I usually read that the editor needs to be given a break during the first draft and only invite him in on the 2nd and then dismiss the creative one one the third... Perhaps I need to follow that advise.
posted
Perhaps part ofthe problem here is that there are so many people introduced right up front, but we don't get to know any one of them meaningfully yet.
For example, the first dialogue part in the first sentence is not attributed to any person. If it was, I would assume that person to be the most important in the story (the main character). The first person I "meet" is Russell, who only heard what the friend said - he is not doing anything, so I don't know if he is important. And yet, the friend is not mentioned until the 3rd paragraph (at least I assume that it was Phillip who was the first person to speak).
There are a lot of people to keep track of here - Russell, Tony, Phillip, Clarence, a Woman.
Also, I don't feel hooked here yet. Maybe it is because I'm confused with what is actually going on. There are some interesting ideas here (the shapeshifting and something going wrong - although why not just say what went wrong now, or at least hint more at it).
BTW, I didn't look at your previous draft, so this was my "fresh" perspective on this
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