posted
Here are the first lines of my current project, Blood Dagger. I need some input on it, as there are some minor points that nag at the back of my head about it. Hopefully some input will help...
Arim, once a brethren of the Cult of Rosen, but now a mere guild sorcerer, shielded his eyes from the harsh wind and looked back to the young man tied to the packhorse. Arim had sensed the presence of the Wardens for the last hour, ever watching those that ventured too close to the home of the Krain unannounced, and wondered if the boy showed any reaction to them. It had startled Arim, earlier, that the boy was somehow aware of things that he hadn’t been able to sense, even though the potions he had been feeding the boy should have left him so deeply drugged that he had no sensation of the world. Shuddering, he decided not to think too hard of what it could mean and leave it all to being some simple bestial instinct inherent in the boy and his kind. That suited Arim’s view on the boy and his kind more than any other possibility.
[This message has been edited by Tanuki Sama (edited December 11, 2006).]
This is hard to picture without more detail. Is he tied to the horse like a horse is tied to a tree, or like a backpack is strapped to a back?
>That suited Arim's view This feels like a loss of POV: you're stepping out of his POV to comment on his POV. Possible fix: just leave out that line.
I think I'd keep reading. I'm on the fence. I don't yet trust the author to tell me what's going on, but you've told us enough I might get it in the next paragraph.
posted
ah, good. Things to fix! yeah, I see what you mean concerning the POV. The use of brethren is intentional, it is the way the cultists think of themself. Not one person but a band of brothers/brethren, not an indivudual but simply one of many. But I see that it might have been too early to put that in, or just the wrong way. I'll have to work something out.
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quote:Arim, once a brethren of the Cult of Rosen, but now a mere guild sorcerer, shielded his eyes
This feels like an infodump. I'd rather sneak in the fact that he was once a brother and is now a guild sorcerer from his point of view. If it's important enough to mention in the first sentence, it's probably important enough for him to think about. Then, as he thinks about it, you help the readers by letting us know how he feels about it, whether he lets it get him down, whatever. (And if it's not important enough for him to think about it, then it probably shouldn't be in the first sentence.)
That might also help with "brethren", which currently feels like an error rather than an affectation.
Ditto Wbriggs with respect to the "tied to the packhorse" bit. Specifically, I want to know whether the boy is walking or riding.
I think your sentence structure here is a little off:
quote:Arim had sensed the presence of the Wardens for the last hour, ever watching those that ventured
The way it's written, it looks like Arim is "ever watching those that ventured...". Consider the difference between "John had nursed his beer for the last hour, watching the girls drive by" and "John had nursed his beer for the last hour, getting flatter by the minute." The situation's also aggravated by the fact that the object of "sensed" is "the presence", not "the Wardens", which adds another level of indirection. (You can probably cut "the presence" anyway. "Arim had sensed the Wardens for the last hour" is tighter and perfectly comprehensible.)
This sentence jolted me: "It had startled Arim, earlier, that the boy was somehow aware of things that he hadn’t been able to sense..." How can the boy be aware of things he can't sense? I think you mean that the boy was aware of things that Arim couldn't sense, but I think the antecedent of "he" is unambiguously "the boy", which makes the sentence not make sense.
Perhaps you can tighten up the references to "Arim", "the boy", and "he" in the second half of the paragraph somehow.
There are some cuts you can make, too: "inherent in the boy and his kind" could be "inherent in the boy's kind", and the second "on the boy and his kind" could be cut entirely.
Just thoughts, but I guarantee they're worth what you paid for them.
posted
Use "of the brethren" rather than "a brethren", it helps to reinforce the pluralist thinking. Also, it would be flow better as "Rosen brethren" rather than XofY[/i]of[/i]Z...of course, with "Rosen brethren" I'm instantly thinking of a bunch of magically animated action figures which enter a neurotically isolated girl's life and turn it upside-down till she begins to learn how to cope with stuff. I think that a lot of people won't have that problem, but...
If you really want to do yourself a favor, just say "once of the Brethren," and leave it at that. We instantly know that he is no longer one of the "Brethren", so it isn't immediately important that we know more. We also know that these "Brethren" are important enough in his mind that "the Brethren" means them and nobody else. And we know that it's important to him that he was once one of them. Since this is all you let us know anyway, you'll cut a bunch of useless information and actually leave a stronger impression of "the Brethren".
Second, find a less generic term for they boy than "the boy". Obviously he's special in some way, including membership in a catagory that Arim can easily label, and would.
Other than those two points, I don't see anything that I would definitely change (unless oh is right in assuming that it is Arim that ventured too close, and not the Wardens), and it seems like a pretty intersting opening. Okay, looking at that passage oliverhouse flagged again, I'm thinking that I totally read it wrong, so it does need to be clarified, probably broken down into discrete statements.
posted
Thanks to all of you! your input has losened things up for me. Now to work on the points you've pointed out... Oh, and Survivor, the use of "the boy" is something that I'll keep. That character is later sold as a slave, and it is at that point that we learn more of him and what he is.
[This message has been edited by Tanuki Sama (edited December 11, 2006).]
posted
Cheating on your POV is a serious problem, particularly when you start within the first 13. You don't have to (can't, really) tell us who the boy is to himself, you must tell us what Arim thinks of him.
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posted
"once a brethren of the Cult of Rosen, but now a mere guild sorcerer" shouldn't be in the first sentence. we'll learn all this soon enough, i'm sure.
"It had startled Arim, earlier..." then, why are we starting out story now? i'm guessing you'll flashback to this bit sometime later, but why not just start there, or anywhere else but a scene of a guy just... watching?
the wording problem in "that the boy was somehow aware of things that he hadn’t been able to sense" has already been brought up, as far as the pronoun usage goes, but even with that "he" fixed, the sentence seems long and awkward, as do several in these 13 lines.
i like that first use of the phrase "and his kind" as it almost seems like the boy's kind could be alien or evil or mutated or radioactive or, well, anything. something in the simplicity of this phrase piqued my interest more than anything else in the 13 lines.
Also, think about whether this is really where you want to start. It seems like you're just talking about things that already happened, so maybe you should start earlier.
posted
A very personal style thing: given the amount of info provided in these lines I would have preferred the sentences to be slightly shorter and less clausey. A couple of sentences could be broken into two. A minor note!
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yeah, I see what you mean concerning the POV.
