posted
Below are the first 13 lines of my first novel, Rebirth. I'm looking for feedback on these lines as well as anyone that might be interested in reading the first three chapters or so. Thanks for your comments.
"Marcus smelled like his horse. There was a time when he wouldn't have even noticed. It embarrassed him to admit that he had gotten used to the fineries of court. Too many days spent in silk clothes, too many nights spent in a soft bed. He couldn't remember when the change had happened. He and the King had grown up around the court of course but they always seemed to be out. Out on a hunt. Out on Guard. Out in the fields.
Marcus knew that in the other Kingdoms those who ruled seldom if ever toiled with the soldiers or farmers. The first King of K'Sar had decreed that all who wished to lead the K'saran people would first work to defend and feed them. It had been rewarding to learn how the people of this"
[This message has been edited by danny (edited December 10, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by danny (edited December 11, 2006).]
posted
You're starting in one place then immediately going off on a completely unrelated tangent that yanks us out of the current scene.
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posted
Survivor - Good point. I've moved the offending lines to a bit later in the chapter and it flows better. I wanted to show the chase right up front but as you noticed it didn't really work. Thanks
Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
> Marcus noticed that his clothes now smelled like his horse.
You can be more direct, and more deeply in Marcus's POV: "Marcus's clothes smelled like his horse."
The next line is a little indistinct: I wouldn't be surprised to discover that it was someone _else's_ opinion (the narrator's) that Marcus had gotten too used to fineries (although a change to the first line would help).
Maybe you can tell us how he feels about being out and smelling like horse; he was embarrassed by how long it had been since he had been out, or he was sick of it already and was upset that he was out, or he felt the King must be punishing him for giving him such an assignment. In other words, maybe characterize him by telling us how he feels about his situation rather than just telling us what the situation is.
I think you could cut a fair amount: "He had heard that in the other Kingdoms those who ruled seldom if ever toiled with the soldiers or farmers" (20 words) could be "Rulers in other kingdoms rarely toiled with soldiers or farmers." (10 words, 50% cut.) The next sentence could be "The first king of K'Sar decreed that his successors would earn the right to lead K'Sar by defending and feeding her first." (36 words becomes 22, 39% cut.) These are just suggestions, but they make the point. You seem to use introductory and excessive explanatory phrases a lot ("it had been", "one of", "One of the favorite times in his life"), so I'd watch for those especially.
Thanks for the insight. I know that I'm sometimes indirect and need some fresh eyes to spot where I wander. I've made a couple quick corrections that came to me as a reread the post with your comments in mind. Take a look and let me know what you think.
[This message has been edited by danny (edited December 11, 2006).]
posted
I think that's cleaner. If you're not in a hurry, I'll look at your other chapters.
Procedurally, I think it's better to put a new version of the post into a reply instead of editing your original post. Now that you've edited the first entry on the thread, comments made about the original post won't make sense anymore. You also get less of the before-and-after, now-how-much-would-you-pay effect.
posted
I wasn't objecting to the place where you started, I objected to yanking us away from it.
You've actually made the problem worse, since now all we know about the initial scene is that Marcus smells like a horse. Then you immediately go off on the tangent, only now it just seems like standard out of POV infodumping.
I was almost interested in the path and bushes and all that before you started on the tangent, now all you have to hook me is the smell of a horse. It doesn't do the trick.
posted
Below is a revised begining. I haven't worked on this section of the story in a while. It's good to be getting some specific suggestions and critisism to get me started on it again. So keep'em coming. Thanks
Danny
"The trail wasn't really a trail, just a break in the trees were they couldn't grow. It was steep and well hidden, if someone had been trying to hide it. At least the rocks would make tracking them harder.
They had left the city at sundown, nine hours ago. Marcus was beginning to smell like his horse. There was a time when he wouldn't have even noticed. It embarrassed him to admit that he had gotten used to the fineries of court. Too many days spent in silk clothes, too many nights spent in a soft bed. He couldn't remember when the change had happened. He and the King had grown up around the court of course but they always seemed to be out. Out on a hunt. Out on Guard. Out in the fields. "
So, I like how this story appears to be going. I haven't seen the conflict yet, but premise is there. In regards to your second post, I was distracted by several phrasing problems, such as "a break in the trees w(h)ere they couldn't grow" and "They had left the city at sundown, nine hours ago." I would suggest rewriting those sentences to improve their flow. Second, I was confused by the life of the main character. Did he start out life in the court, become accustomed to royal life, and then enter into the laboring life? Or did he always labor as part of the law, enjoy a short break in the royal life, and then re-enter the laboring life to find it less fulfilling?
posted
You're still breaking away from the scene just before it gets interesting.
Who is tracking whom? Why? As it is, I have no clear idea whether Marcus is the tracker or the quarry, and whichever he is you haven't even mentioned the other party.
I'm specifically confused about them/they. Who are "they"? Is Marcus one of "them"? Are "they" the hunters or the hunted? Are you perhaps referring to more than one party? I simply don't know, it is impossible to determine from your text. And yet you still insist on this tangential and frankly uninteresting digression about how Marcus smells like a horse and isn't used to it the way he used to be. This might begin to be relevant after I figure out who "they" are and why "they" are chasing "them" or vice versa, as well as which group Marcus is in. But until then it doesn't matter.
posted
Yah, if you mention the tracking we really need to know who right away. Leave the finery and all that for later, weaving it through the action, making it obvious by his reactions and whatnot. For now make sure you don't hide info. He knows who they're tracking, so we need to.
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posted
Ok...Let's try this again. Below are a new set of opening paragraphs. Lets see if this works a bit better. Thanks for all the input.
Danny
"The trail wasn't really a trail, just a break in the trees were they couldn't grow. It was steep and well hidden, if someone had been trying to hide it. The flat broad rocks were the only thing that marked were the trail to the Sordan valley began. At least the rocks would make tracking them harder.
Marcus was sure they had left the city without being noticed. The Tograth horde was still a half day away, maybe more, but forward scouts had been spotted. There was no telling how many they hadn’t seen. The horde had overrun and conquered every city and kingdom that had stood before it, K’Sar was now the last of the Five Noble Kingdom’s. It would remain out of the hands of the Tograth, Janix had seen to that. "
posted
Oh and to clarify, Marcus is the one being chased. I hope that the new version is clearer on that.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
I'm sorry if I appear to be nit-picky here, but I see some minor errors that are kind of pet peeves to me.
First sentence: where what couldn't grow? Granted, I know that you mean the trees, but is your average Joe Bob going to know that? Second sentence: spelling!! not "marked were" but rather "marked WHERE". Sorry...spelling is a big pet peeve to me. Third sentence: define who "them" is. Fourth sentence: Who's they?
I'm good with the rest...just fix overrun to over-run...I think. Over all, you've got me hooked, just some minor mechanical errors.
posted
Incredibly, this version wasn't any clearer on who is chasing whom.
However, we at least have a general description of one of the involved parties. And at least some idea of the scale of events. So that's an improvement. But I'm kinda torn. Everything I've been able to piece together about this story sorta seems interesting, but you seem determined to leave the reader guessing about really basic things like whether Marcus is following the Tograth or vice versa, and exactly why either would be the case. Ultimately I just have to say it isn't worth the effort of having to pry the answers out of the author directly.
posted
Survivor - your point is well taken and I am trying to empart as much information as possible in the first few lines. I hope this latest version does that. There is much that comes after this but I am trying to get a begining that draws the reader in. I really appriciate all the comments that help me get to that point.
"The trail wasn't really a trail, just a break in the trees where they couldn't grow. It was steep and well hidden, if someone had been trying to hide it. The flat broad rocks were the only thing that marked were the trail to the Sordan valley began. Marcus hoped that the rocks would make it harder for the Tograth to track them. He was certain he could keep their regiment moving faster than whatever the Tograth would send in pursuit but every bit of help was welcomed.
Marcus felt they had left K’Sar without being noticed. The Tograth horde was still a half day away, maybe more, but forward scouts had been spotted. There was no telling how many they hadn’t seen. The horde had over-run and conquered "
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