posted
Fantasy. Not sure of the length yet, currently about six hundred words and growing. Just wondered if there is clarity here, mechanical problems, a hook etc?
'Quick Dicky,' I said, nudging my boss awake in the passenger seat. 'She’s on the move again.' From across the street we observed Mrs Hoxby appear out of her front door and shamble down the garden path towards her car. She cut a frail, hunched figure in the moonlight, wrapped in a floral shawl and clutching an oversized handbag to her bosom. ‘Right on time,’ Dicky said, nodding at the clock on the dash. It blinked 00:00. The Witching Hour. ‘Are you sure about this one?’ I said. He gave his tool belt a quick rattle and winked. ‘There’s only one way to be sure, son. You should know that by now.’
posted
Good start. I think that it creates suspense. Who is "the one" and what is "the one" for? I would probably read further to find out the answer to those questions.
posted
>'Quick Dicky,' I said, nudging my boss awake in the passenger seat. 'She’s on the move again.'
My thought was: who's "Quick Dicky"? Punctuation would fix that. "Quick, Dicky!" I said. (Better yet, "Look sharp!" -- that clarifies what Dicky's supposed to *do* quickly.)
The rest of it frustrates me, simply because I don't know what's going on. I think I would like it if I knew.
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I was nearly not in because of 'Quick Dicky!', which is sort of like 'Hop, Pop!' or 'Too few, Sue!' but the rest had me. I'm hooked, but then I like not being told everything right up. My only comment is a word like 'observed', which is nice if it's written sort of as a detective's log (you know how cops always use report-talk: 'And then the suspect was observed to approach the victim from the rear...'), but for me it jars in something that you want to be flowy and not idiomatic. I like it, carry on.
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posted
Ditto Briggs on the comma after "Quick" and Jenn on the notion that maybe it's too Seuss-esque, which makes me agree with Briggs again about maybe "Look sharp" or some other idiom.
While I'm sensitive to Briggs's comment about not knowing what's going on, I'm not yet frustrated. For me, you have a little bit of time to answer the key questions: are these guys detectives? (If not, what are they?) Why is he out with his boss instead of a partner? Why is he wearing a tool belt? Why are they watching Mrs. Hoxby? Why is the Witching Hour relevant (i.e., is this horror or fantasy or just detective stuff)? Sure about _what_ with this one?
That's a lot of questions for me to have unanswered after just 13 lines. I'm sensing tension already, so I'll turn the page, but if stuff doesn't start to make sense soon then I might lose interest.
Survivor, I wrote this in first person as it's kind of a spoof detective tale, it seemed more of a natural voice for some of the pieces that come later. Why do you ask?
I clearly had an issue with clarity so I've wrote a short prologue below. Does this have a hook though? Any other thoughts welcome.
Apparently witches don’t use broomsticks anymore. They drive cars or use public transport like normal people. They don’t do pointy hats either for that matter, or cackle madly in the dead of the night. And as for green skin and warts, they’re a thing of the past thanks to modern day skin care products and all. No, there’s every chance that sweet little old lady next door is a baby-eating minion of Satan. Don’t be fooled, just because she used to give you the odd choccy bar or twenty pence piece when you were a child. Evil is as old as the Universe itself. And still at LARGE today. At least that was my boss, Dicky Drake, reckons anyhow. And he should know, being the self-proclaimed Gaurdian of the Good and the Great, otherwise known in the clandestine circles he frequents as the Witch Hunter.
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited December 01, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited December 01, 2006).]
posted
Parts of both little "blurbs" hooked me in, but then other parts kinda made me a bit disinterested. The "quick dicky" didn't throw me off too much...actually, your entire first little "blurb" really drew me in, and then your second just kind of killed it a bit...the whole little narrative about how witches have changed over time was a little over drawn/detailed if you get what I'm saying. But then your last sentence got me good - talking about the boss's titles and such.
Overall, I'm interested. I like it, I'd read on just to satisfy my curiousity. Keep working...you're doing good.
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If you're using the classic "detective story" format then you have to tell it like a person narrating a personal account, and you don't, and you don't realize that you don't, which means that you don't know how to realistically mimic a personal account, which is a huge red flag if that's the main reason you're writing in first person.
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posted
I like it. I'd read on. Two minor nits. 1. I'm not sure I like the sound of "Quick Dicky" Maybe you could change it to something like "Hey Dicky" or something or just "Dicky" And 2, the old woman shouldn't be clutching her bag to her "bosom." That seems like the wrong word. Bosom has a kind of sensual connotation to me, not something you want to read about an old woman. Chest would be better here.
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited December 01, 2006).]
posted
Maybe be careful not to be too chatty? If there's a hint of detective here then it might be best to play it cool, or cooler. I think the main thing about detective writing and more so if it's part of a spoof is to control the flow of information. Do you want the narrator to be very voluble? It will continually interrupt action. That might be something you want (it's certainly very lively, sort of madcap and might suit spoof). But things like the 'rules' of the universe you're setting up, even if it's a satrical one, are, I think, best left to progress through the 'universe', so they come out naturally. A narrator who spells out the 'rules' kind of spoils the fun of discovering them.
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quote:Just wondered if there is clarity here, mechanical problems, a hook etc?
Clarity: The scene comes across quite clearly. You've done a good job with giving us enough information to know what is happening (the woman is under surveillance)and that there is a magical element about to unfold.
Mechanical problems: A few. You need a comma after that first "Quick" if it's dialog. If Quick Dickey is his name, you don't. I agree with the quick dickey crits, it's too cutesie for me. Plus, I think of Dickey as being a small child's nickname. If Dickey is his last name, make that clear up front. Perhaps you could easily do so by giving us an inner thought on the part of the POV character. I don't like the use of the term "she cut a frail, hunched figure..." I've only heard the term "cut a figure" used in conjunction with, say, the word "dapper" or "dashing"... The use of cutting a frail figure just doesn't jive with how I've heard it used. I'd suggest substituting something that doesn't jar, like "silhouette in the moonlight." Which brings me to the fact that generally, when you are looking at someone at even a slight distance at night, even in the moonlight, it's unusual to be able to discern visual details like a floral pattern on their clothing. Colors wash out, and it's a case of light and dark, not color or pattern.
Hook: Is there a hook? I think so. I wonder how a clock can be blinking 00:00. That's odd, VERY odd. And why are these people watching for an old lady? What is the meaning of "The Witching Hour?" I would read on.
posted
A few comments. the "You should know that by now" statement comes across as one of those reader-teasing comments. "As you know," "as we all know," etc. If he should know it, then the guy isn't going to say anything about having to know it.
I agree. "Bosom" does feel a little out of place for a frail, hunched woman. It would be something a more stately woman might possess.
Otherwise, I'd read on. It's a good start in the action, and we already have a sense that the chase is on.
posted
I liked the prologue. It's really close to the info dump line but I like to tone and what it tells me about the POV character's personality.
On Nits/comments on the prologue:
I'd drop the "apparently" from the first sentance. You can probably lose the "either for that matter," in the third line. I really liked the next two lines. The green skin being cured by cosmetics made me laugh. I'm not sure if you need the "Don't be fooled . ." line at all. Yoiu are missing a "what" in the second paragraph after "that was . . "
On the original first lines:
I was a bit confused as to what the MC and Dicky were doing. Why were they harrassing/stalking a little old woman?
The "Quick Dicky" was cute but not annoyingly so. Although now I wonder if the MC would talk to his boss this way.
I didn't get the sense they were witch hunters from the original 13. It just seemed like they were bad-ish people about to do something outrageous to a little old woman.
If you want "gum shoe" you need to talk the talk. A police office never says the person got out of the car. He says, "The suspect exited the 1998 Olds Calais." To me, you were missing the voice of a police wanna be.
"Right on time?" For what? Couldn't he just say, "Of course she is. It's the witching hour." Or something like it?
What tool belt? Hu?
I was so busy wondering about what was happening that I missed the things that might have hooked me like the clock.
The "prologue" was more interesting to me that your actual action. Anyway, that's my two cents.
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