posted
I've been working on writing a novel about loosing almost three hundred pounds. (NO there was no surgery involved) I've written a short story, but am having the hardest time getting started with a novel. I welcome all honest input. Thanks
I made a decision three years ago that had an unexpected and profound effect on my life. I decided to kill myself. Deeply depressed and filled with self-loathing, I convinced myself that my children would be the only ones affected by my death and that freeing them of the burden of me would outweigh the impact of my death. Something deep inside of me whispered that I knew this to be a lie and after struggling for hours the hurting part of me reached a compromise with the rational part: I would work as hard as possible to change my life until my children became adults and were on their own. After that I was free to quit.
posted
I suggest a little more concrete detail (is this a man or a woman? Wouldn't he/she think of those children by name?); and "loosing" means "setting free" -- you mean "losing."
But.
I'm tentatively hooked. How long's your story? Do you want readers yet?
posted
I would research into how other people describe their weight loss deals. Your opening seemed a little sarcastic and cold, mainly because your MC talked about suicide so lightly. I have been seeing these openings a lot lately with the narrator taking something serious and treating it trivially. Especially in the case of weight loss, where the person typically has a better understanding of their emotions from experiencing so many dilemmas from the weight problem, I would try to play up the emotional aspect a little in the opening as I really didn't care that the MC had considered suicide.
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posted
I suppose this is not a work of fiction? This is non-fiction right? At any rate, I think the opening is a bit much. Before we even know, or really care who this person is you discuss the main character's decision to commit suicide. Perhaps this could be more powerful if the reader had a chance to get to know the MC first, and come to feel empathy for what she is going through. Maybe start with an anecdote of some kind where the MC suffered in some way as a direct result of her weight.
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posted
I am uncertain how to go about this, is this autobiographical? One of the other persons referred to your use of sarcasm. That was a tip to me that it might be autobiographical. My grandma and mother were/are manic depressive. My Grandmother actually became catatonic and died and my mother does things like stopping her insulin, and they are/were very sarcastic in one of these phases. I can offer you some insight, but I do not want to give you some directions on how to die.
The first thing I can tell you is that when Mom tells me that she just wishes she could die and that she has nothing to live for, it hurts me to the bone. As selfish as that sounds, we all want to believe we are important enough to someone that they would at least want to live for our sake.
If your story is at all autobiographical, ask people around you if they would be hurt by your not wanting to live for their sake. I believe that suicidal people have to balance their need to die against their love for their family/friends on a constant basis like an alcoholic.
posted
I don't know that this is as much a concern where it concerns an admission of having overcome suicidal depression springing from severe obesity. I mean, it's pretty clear that the narrator doesn't want to kill her?self anymore.
I've looked at this opening a few times...it doesn't really grab me but I don't feel like there's really much wrong with it as an opening. The contemplation of suicide is clearly in the past, the suicide clearly didn't take place, and the narrator is acknowledging the profound irony of this method of self-liberation. With all these factors weighed, I think that the criticism of the opening as being overwrought is misplaced. And yet, I have to say that the opening didn't succeed as far as I was concerned, so I can hardly claim that it's perfect. I can't pretend that I have no interest in stories that revolve around overcomeing eating disorders and associated mental illness, so it isn't the subject matter.
I think that I'm going to resort to rewriting the first paragraph.
quote:Three years ago, I decided to kill myself. It had a profound effect on my life, but not the one that I or anyone else would have expected.
I think that illustrates the sort of change a minor bit of restructuring can accomplish. At the very least, it illustrates that I'm not above rewriting something if I can't think of anything else to do
Darn UBB tags.
[This message has been edited by Survivor (edited November 29, 2006).]
posted
I'd be interested in reading more. Something that helped me focus was over on the general discussion about MICE, and this is clearly a character story. It might be good to give a concrete example of what causes your character to come to the realization of wanting to escape (via suicide).
If this is autobiographical, it is important to realize that even writing in first person, your narrator is not you. It is a character who might share every important characteristic with you, but she will not know everything you now know for a start. That is why it can be very hard to depict self-discovery in a way that is relatable to other people.
For me, I am in the mental state of when I decided to write a book about my experience, which is not the mental state I was in when those experiences began. I think of it as acting, in a certain sense.
posted
I think the whole thing would sound better in 3rd person. It is a little too personal of a subject for a first person perspecitve. Especially in the first 13. Also you might want to introduce a character name in there somewhere.
'She made a decision three years ago that had an unexpected and profound effect on her life. Mary decided to kill herself. Deeply depressed and filled with self-loathing, she convinced herself ...'
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