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Hello. Can you comment on or critique the following first 13? This 4000 word story is about a young man who wants to be the world's greatest poet. It is semi-sci/fi, more E.A. Poe than anything. If anyone wants to read the whole story, you are welcome to it. Here are the first 13:
Harold drew in the salty air of the rippling Aegean Sea beneath him. Pale morning sunlight percolated through the sheer clouds above. He thought of the prize lost to the deep, and the month’s journey he had made to find it. His heart rose in his chest as he thought of the glory to come in attaining that one singular thing he desired. It was no pearl, no artifact of man, no thing of beauty beheld in bright light. It was the soul of a poet drowned beneath the waves. And he was going to swallow it.
Harold descended the crag, and set out in his skiff. On a distant lonely isle the white tower of Mt. Kalos rose like a thunderbolt frozen in time.
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The first two lines were not my style- but the next few I really liked. I especially liked the part about eating the soul.
The stuff though about percolating sunlight made me think of dirty coffee for some reason. Oh well. The hook is mild to me, but it's there, and I would read a bit more.
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Relevant threads. (I would have stopped reading as soon as I got to that first teasing sentence. I want stories to tell me what's happening, not tease me.)
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The way I look at it – you don’t have to tell everything important in the first 13 lines, but you should tell/show us something. Something to draw us in emotionally.
Now you COULD open with that line about the soul of a poet drowned beneath the waves. That is interesting. Then go on with some of what you already have.
My nit is those first two sentences. They don’t do any work beyond putting us on the shore of the Aegean in the morning. Now, that’s not important with the information/story you have here. Hmmm…you could put those two sentences after telling us about the soul of the poet. And pov’s desperation. Get the story material up front. Then, when we’re interested, we’ll read a little bit of generic world-building/background whatever. Just a tad to locate where we are.
Of course, I've been reading a lot of Willa Cather (My Antonia, Death Comes for the Archbishop) and it reminds me of her style a bit.
This seems to me to be a mild story, and a mild hook befits it. Still, let's work on making it a bit stronger, more emotional. It should be simple enough. Take out the description of the sunlight for the time being. You can either put it back after the Mt. Kalos line, or leave it out entirely. (It's a lovely, poetic line. I'd say keep it.)
There are a lot of "he"s in that first paragraph. Maybe cut out a few of them, tighten up your sentences. Put the emotion of your sentences at the front, don't tack it on to the end:
Such glory would come to the person who attained this thing, that contemplating it made his heart rise in his chest.
You haven't withheld any information to the reader, everythings there in the first paragraph. The order of your sentences is merely a matter of personal taste.
Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I like the story, it has a smooth flow to it and I am very interested as to what is going to happen next. The only word that distracted me was "percolated"..but that's just me. Good Job!
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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There are parts of this opener I like, and other parts I'm not fond of. I, too, think the description is a little over the top. A little, mind you. If the tone continued in this vein, I wouldn't read, but I'd give you a couple more paragraphs to move into a bit less florid style of writing.
I don't care for metaphors or similies that don't work with the visuals. Take the act of percolation... a coffee pot, percolating, will spew coffee UPWARD. The idea of sunlight percolating is jarring to me. Sunlight falls earthward, it doesn't percolate upward.
Along that vein, I don't relate to the comparison between a mountain and a frozen thunderbolt. The imagery is confusing to me. Why are you comparing a mountain to a thunderbolt? How are they supposedly similar?
I like the hook of the soul of the poet drowned beneath the waves, and the idea that the MC is going to swallow it. It's sufficient to make me read on for a few more paragraphs, but as I said the style is florid enough that I'd quit reading in short order if it doesn't mellow out just a tad.
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