posted
How do I describe the trials of the Yin-Yang Soldier? very carefully. in the time, before time, there was a warrior, unstoppable in combat and unmatched in strategy. this gaurdian, however, had one fatal weakness. True to His name, the Yin-Yang Soldier could be split, the good seperated from the bad. If this where to happen, the world would be plunged into darkness. eventually, the unthinkable happened, Count Dracula, the dark necromancer, split the Yin-Yang Soldier. He became two beings, the Mountain Warrior, with all the might of a volcano, the speed of the rushing falls, and the permenance of the ocean, and Dragosta, a man as dark and sinister as Hades, stronger than the mightiest hero, and all the cunning of Oddysseus. we shall begin the tale with Dragosta, a mercenary.
Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Other than some typos and the lack of capitalization when you start a sentance, I liked this even though it is dangerously close to an infodump but I'm not hooked. It's a "one upon beginning" which might work if you are not writing a short story and/or if this is a prologue.
Now, if the missing capitalization is intentional, it will drive me crazy. There are some very good authors who do this or fail to use puncutation and I can't read their stuff because of it. Just keep in mind that until they became an established author they didn't have the credibility to pay the price for thier style of writing.
You can probably trim some of it to get me to the story and away from the backstory.
On issues:
I want a sense PDQ who my first person narrator is. Is it the Mountain Warrior? The now reconstituted Yin-Yang Solider? Or is it the person sent to unite the two halves? Depending on the answer to this question, you have very different stories.
You start with "I" but the last sentance is "we shall begin . . " which was a bit confusing to me.
Generally, the writing flows well and I like the premise but I need to know who is talking and why I should care.
posted
have you ever seen those movies that start out with a storyteller? that is what the start of the prologue/book is. a storyteller telling a story to children, or in a bar.
posted
>How do I describe the trials of the Yin-Yang Soldier? very carefully.
This doesn't convey information to me. Why very carefully? Is someone threatening the narrator?
>in the time, before time, there was a warrior, unstoppable in combat and unmatched in strategy. this gaurdian, however, had one fatal weakness. True to His name, the Yin-Yang Soldier could be split, the good seperated from the bad. If this where to happen, the world would be plunged into darkness.
This hooked me. I do want to know what "plunged into darkness" means.
>eventually, the unthinkable happened, Count Dracula, the dark necromancer, split the Yin-Yang Soldier. He became two beings, the Mountain Warrior, with all the might of a volcano, the speed of the rushing falls, and the permenance of the ocean, and Dragosta, a man as dark and sinister as Hades, stronger than the mightiest hero, and all the cunning of Oddysseus. we shall begin the tale with Dragosta, a mercenary.
This seems to have happened in the past. Why isn't the world in darkness?
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Overall: yes, you got to clean up the punctuation &c., and I'll want a story PDQ. A more mythic tone might be cool too.
posted
Yes, I've read stories with narrators - "Firebrand" comes to mind where Cassandra tells a bard the REAL story about the fall of Troy. In each on of those stories it was clear that a narrator was telling the story from the outset. Just make sure the reader knows who soon.
posted
I don't know what this means but as I read this I heard it in Christopher Lee's voice.
What is so permanent about the ocean and what is so sinister about Hades? The ocean is always changing, rising and falling wild and calm. I suppose it's not going anywhere. Hades is really a nice guy once you get to know him, he just takes his job too seriously. Aries is the one you don't want to mess with.
[This message has been edited by Pyre Dynasty (edited November 24, 2006).]
posted
I was thinking more of the actor who voiced Darth Vader, and Mufasa..thats a cool deep voice or maybe the guy from A&E's murder mystery.. Anyways I love the beginning, I imagined a group of listeners sitting around a fire - enraptured by the bard telling the tale...Punctuation probs, sure. The beginning definetly provides a hook to the reader..
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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anyway, the 'bard' ,if you will, is telling this at the height of Draculas power, so of course Hes being threatened. and yes, I chose Dracula for the main villain. the question isnt how they got seperated, by the way, but how they are going to get... whats the word? fused.
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