posted
I've been a pirate all my life. I never regretted it, but this time, as I sunned myself in the rigging of the Dragon Wynd, I contemplated what, to a pirate, or even a common captain, was both unthinkable, and unforgivable. I was plotting ways to die. Suicide was not a favored past time, and though I had a wife and child to think of, it still tempted me to be away from my debts. I knew, that according to what I believed it would damn me to a shallows grave, that they would forget that these boards were mine, but could I face the rope again? Could I do it knowing that my wife would see me brought low? Don't think me a low man when I say this but I was tired of being a debtor. I ate hard tack more often than even weak stew, I usually slung hammock on my own boards to save any bit of gold I could to pay my men and buy their meals.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I think these are easily fixed problems, but they did block me from getting into the story and seeing how cool it is:
*I'd want New! Improved! Comma Remover. Seems you could hack half of these out.
*I can't believe he's considering suicide. He doesn't sound miserable enough. He seems to care some about what his wife thinks of him, but isn't worried about her and the kids being sent to the workhouse. I'm not sure what it is about being in debt that would drive him to it. Anyway, he's a pirate. If he wants out of debt for some reason, why not steal the money?
posted
Ironically, the Child cannot be sent to a workhouse, that's not the issue. The government is systematically running him into the ground. He needs money and how. His boat is about to be sold out from under him by the government, he has a crew that hasn't had full pay in years and he's stuck in shallow water, and he KNOWS that most of the people he takes out on a fare are going to skip on him when they find out who he is... He has no skills other than Captain and Pirate, and he's not the type to settle down, not to mention, if his boards were sold from under him he would never be able to see his wife again because she is at the reef and he would be condmened to land.
He WAS a pirate, and going out as a pirate is an option, but one he knows will probably bring him back to Devil's cove to hang as a pirate for a third time. And no one gets out of it the third time. To avoid being hung he swore not only that he would never 'hang bones' again, that being fly a pirate flag, but he would never venture out to deep water where pirates ran, without a fare. If he heads out without a fare the government would be on him before he got to the deep waters. (I guess we would say he's out on parole. One Violation and he's back on death row along with all of his crew.)
While we are deep into his POV, there's no tension - just some schmuck feeling sorry for himself.
Why is he being pushed to this point?
I agree with wbriggs that the Captain is a bit too rational to be convincingly suicidal. Maybe he's sitting in the rigging rejecting all of his viable options when the other man comes to buy passage. It's a possible way to get a bit of the exposition and back story that was missing from the other versions into this one but still keep the tension.
The writing is clear and solid but not compelling me forward which is the opposite of the issues I had with the last version. I still think that if you streamlined the new terms in the last version, it is more hooking than this one.
posted
A thought came to me as I hit send. Maybe you are starting in the wrong place. Could you start at Devil's Cove just before the second time he's condemned to death? If you started there, a lot of the questions from the last version and this one too would be answered by the narrative.
Anyway, while it might not work, I thought I'd raise it.
posted
So...he's not a pirate right now, but the relevant authorities know he was one?
That doesn't strike you as more than a little odd? Anyway, it certainly doesn't come across clearly in this opening, partly because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but also because you simply don't mention that he is no longer a pirate.
posted
See if this is better, I backed up Twenty years...
As I stood, waves lapping against my feet, I knew I was going to die. The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the world, I had almost made it to the Forbidden shores before they had come at me banner-and-traces to haul me back in chains. All of my command crew stood beside me, watching the sun set over the sea, and knowing that we were going to die. There had been no trial, they didn’t need one. The ink on my back convicted me. I was not only blooded a pirate, but marked as well, with the Shen family crest across my back. The sign of a family long known as pirates. As the sun dipped lower, I held my head high, I wasn’t afraid to hang. There was nothing they could do to me that would make me less proud to be my father’s son.
posted
Nice rewrite. I still had some points of confusion but it flowed much better.
Now, I understand his peril and am wondering how the heck he gets out of this because the narrative is 1st person and I know you aren't going to let him hang. There are still some terms that are odd to me but I think you can smooth them out.
I might start with the second sentance up to the comma. You might get a better hook if you end the section with telling the fact that his crew is about to die with him and how he's reacting to it.
So:
The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the world before hauling me back (to Devil's Cove) in chains (to die). There had been no trial, they didn’t need one. The ink on my back, (the Shen family crest, would have) convicted me (even if my past hadn't). It was the sign of a family long known as pirates. As the sun dipped lower, I held my head high. There was nothing they could do to me that would make me less proud to be (insert name), my father’s son. My command crew stood beside me, watching the sun set over the sea, and knowing that we were going to die.
This sentance seemed awkward:
"There was nothing they could do to me that would make me less proud to be my father’s son."
I think it's the ". . .that would make me less proud to be . . ." what about ". . . that would make me regret being . . " ?
This sentance also rang wrong to me for a few reasons:
"I had almost made it to the Forbidden shores before they had come at me banner-and-traces to haul me back in chains."
What is the Forbidden Shores? You mention it but don't explain. It might be better to hold that information until you can explain it because now I'm wondering and it detracts from the story. I'll assume that he almost escaped from the "chased me to the very edge of the world." That phrase, by the way, made me wonder what was so special about him that an empire devoted those resources to his capture.
"Banner and Traces?" Hu?
It "seems" passive since he was hauled back in chains.
Why would they haul him back rather than just execute him when they captured him? I don't think this has to be answered in the first 13 but I'm curious and I'd hate not learning that answer, or part of it, in the first page or so for a novel.
I really like the tattoo.
So, I'm pretty well hooked.
Edit - spelling
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited November 21, 2006).]
posted
Ok, Umm, firstly Captain Jalen Shen was known as the most feared pirate to ever 'walk the boards.'
As to why not kill him where he was, they wouldn't give him the 'honor' of dying either in battle, or, in deep water, they have a real phobia of shallows... And, they hope by catching the worst of the lot, to break the will of the rest. Figuring if we hang the worst of them they will know we mean business...
As to the 'end of the World' and the Forbidden shores, it comes up again in a few paragraphs, and, indeed is part of the whole reason for the story. There is something out there the Empire doesn't want found. And the Shen family is rumored to be the family that can find or use it. He's been 'off the map' once before, when he was young, and the Empire may know that.
posted
The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the world before hauling me back here to Devil’s Cove, to die. There had been no trial, they didn’t need one. The ink on my back, the Shen family crest, was proof enough of my treason. It was the sign of a family long known as pirates. As the sun dipped lower, I held my head high. There was nothing they could do to me that would make me less proud to be Jalen Shen, my father’s son. My command crew stood beside me, watching the sun set over the sea, and knowing that we were going to die. Of course, this wasn’t the first time we had stood here, bare to the waist, wet to the skin, and sun-blind, waiting to die. We were to be an example to the rest. I just prayed that Marek was safe with my wife. Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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It's nice and clear and has me wondering all the good things I was wondering before which makes me want to read more.
My only questions were:
Who is Marek? I am guessing his son but if you said: "Marek, my son," I'd know.
I think I would flip the order of the "Of course . . ." and "I just prayed . . " for me the hint that he's been here before and avoided this fate does a lot to keep me reading. Also the explination of how he survived the last time would flow naturally after you raise the issue.
When you are looking for readers let me know. Good luck with it.
posted
Marek is actually a former crewmember, and that comes in later. Marek was the man charged with protecting mirana, the Captain's wife...
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the world before hauling me back here to Devil’s cove, to die. There had been no trial, they didn’t need one. The ink on my back, the Shen family crest, was proof enough of my treason. It was the sign of a family long known as pirates. As the sun dipped lower, I held my head high. There was nothing they could do to me that would make me less proud to be Jalen Shen, my father’s son. My command crew stood beside me, watching the sun set over the sea, and knowing that we were going to die. Of course, this wasn’t the first time we had stood here, bare to the waist, wet to the skin, and sun-blind, waiting to die. The last time was over a hundred talon ago. I had survived as a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 30, 2006).]
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