posted
Lightning flashed, fleetingly illuminating a dark form huddled under the doorway of the Gardenia Enterprises office. Lucila caught sight of the shadow and stopped short as she was about to open the door. Most likely it was just a derelict getting out of the rain, but she reached into her coat pocket and wrapped her hand around her revolver before stepping out into the wet night.
“Lucila Bustamante”, said an urgent male voice, “do you remember me?” The man's hand latched onto her arm.
Lucila saw the man before her. Her heart pounded like the rain in the street and her hand clutched the gun fiercely. Of course she remembered him. How could she not? Was his face not part of the memory which haunted her nights? Here was this phantom
[This message has been edited by Lovetowrite (edited November 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 13, 2006).]
posted
This is not bad. I definately want to read more! Just there points of interest on how to improve this.
1. "Lightning flashed, fleetingly illuminating a" Most of the time when I read a good book the opening flows smoothly. For some reason I stumbled over the fleetingly illuminating part.
2. "Lucila saw the man before her. Her heart pounded like the rain in the street and her hand clutched the gun fiercely." ....Her, her, her... used three times in two sentences. Normally I myself overlook this when I read and write, but for some reason this stands out here. Simple solution would be....
"Lucila studied the man, her heart pounded like the rain as she clutched the gun fiercely."
3. I had one issue with trying to picture the scene, if you could somehow spice it up some. It is possible to add discription to a story by only adding a few words and it will not bog down the flow of the scene at all.
All in all I like it and would not mind reading more!
posted
Alright, thanks for the input. I made a few changes.
Lightning flashed. Lucila stopped short before opening the door. She caught sight of a dark form huddled under the doorway of the Gardenia Enterprises office. Most likely it was just a derelict getting out of the rain, but she reached into her coat pocket and wrapped her hand around her revolver before stepping out into the wet night.
“Lucila Bustamante”, said an urgent male voice, “do you remember me?” The man's hand latched onto her arm.
Lucila saw the man before her. Her heart pounded like the rain in the street. She clutched the gun fiercely. Of course she remembered him. How could she not? Was his face not part of the memory which haunted her nights? Here was this phantom before her eyes, older, uglier, but still the same. Anxiety crept up her neck.
I suggest that if she's got her hand on a pistol, and someone she's suspicious of grabs her arm, she might just shoot him. My suggestion: don't have him grab the arm.
After that: "Of course she remembered him." At this point I want to know *how* she remembers him -- what that memory is. Tell us! Then we can share her anxiety, rather than being puzzled by it.
posted
I like the rewrite. I love the "past coming back to haunt you" stories. Although be careful, you have the "it was a dark and stormy night" cliche going. Wouldn't this be more effective if the day was perfect and the storm is only the man?
quote: “Lucila Bustamante”, said an urgent male voice, “do you remember me?”
Wouldn't she recognize his voice? If so, then you have a great chance to dive into her POV and show me why she's afraid. Something not cliched but along the lines of:
XY's voice rang in her ears. She'd hoped that 15 years ago would be the last time she ever heard it. Her grip on the pistol slipped.
Then tell me why. The last paragraph is just a tease. Use that space to tell me why she's haunted.
Some nits. These descriptions don't work for me:
Her heart pounded like the rain in the street.
Seemed a bit cliche and melodramatic.
She clutched the gun fiercely.
Which would result in the gun discharging. Also, how do you "clutch fiercely." The -ly word doesn't help. Her fingering the trigger would tell me a lot more than what you have.
Anxiety crept up her neck.
Again the image doesn't work for me. How does anxiety creep? Sweat trickling somewhere shows me what you are trying to tell me.
Here was this phantom before her eyes, older, uglier, but still the same
This is hard to read for me. Is phantom literal? Tell me more don't tease. M'b "he looked nearly the same as he did when he stood over her child's corpse (or whatever), older, uglier but still the same hatred blazed in his eyes." Use whatever works for your story in terms of plot. Don't have the MC dither when she could tell me what I need to know.
posted
I like the pulp fictiony kind of feel you've got going on here. (I mean the genre, not the boring movie). I agree that the descriptions are kind of melodramatic, but I like them. They work if you're going for that old-school, hard-boiled detective kind of feel. If you're not going for that, you might listen to the above crits and tone down the descriptions. However, I'll repeat, I like the pulp fiction feel of this opening.
I agree that the second version flows much more smoothly.
posted
One touch on top of all those mentioned above. The last paragraph starts with "Lucila saw the man before her." We have all ready established that she realized he was there. I think what you are trying to say is "Lucila recognized the man before her." Small detail. Still needs some work but you are definately on the right track! Good Luck. Also I would love to read more if you got more.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Sep 2004
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And to W. Rought, I have a whole novel worth. lol I started writing this about three years ago, finished about a year ago, rewrote, and edited, and polished, put it away for a few months, picked it up again recently and did more editing and polishing.
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Also if you did send it I may have deleted it cause it was in my junk mail.
