Eben fell to his hands and knees in the funeral sands and for the first time in his twenty years, he wept. He marveled at his unbridled grief as it tore through him, reducing him to gasping sobs. Yet still he remained partially detached. His life had always been one of complete control; his emotions, his body, even the world around him, always controlled. But in this he was lost, riding the storm of his own emotion. It was at once terrifying and exhalting. And he reveled in it.
Finally he reigned it in, pushing the emotion down until his breathing slowed. He opened his eyes. Down in the sand lay the Book of Teachings, though he could not remember dropping it. Strange how his grief had taken control of him. He picked it up noting as always how smooth the leather had become from years of

>Eben fell to his hands and knees in the funeral sands

...at this point, I want to know what funeral sands are. If I don't find out, I lose faith that the author will tell me what's going on.

>...and for the first time in his twenty years, he wept.
In this case, I do have faith that the next sentence will tell me why Eben is crying. Presumably because it's someone's funeral?

But that faith is not borne out -- we never do find out.

You go into a description of the emotion, but since I don't know what triggered the emotion, I can't relate.

Recommended previous threads:

Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html

Just tell me http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html

There's something about this statement. It sounds like the opening statement in a lot of 13 line openings around here.

It doesn't work...as the first line.

Why? Is it descriptive. The pov seems clear. MC named. But it does not open a world, a problem, a story somehow. It probably would work as an interior chapter opening when the reader is comfortably in the flow of the story.

I have seen a line of dialog open a story quite nicely. I have seen a line of description, or of action do so, too. Why, oh why doesn't this work?

There is something missing, but what is it? Something that some openings here have and the rest limp along without.

I think it may be related to what we were talking about in the posts on opening with description. Subtext. Subtext for the reader. Some idea that draws the reader into the story.

Here we have Eben, who we don't know. A place, time, and culture we don't know.

I keep thinking of the great opening lines I've read. They all reach out to me and pull something out of my memory, my experience, my humanity and present it in a changed view.

GLORY SEASON by David Brin -- it opens with a new spin on how life changed forever on a young girl's birthday, or in relation to her birthday. Something "I" can relate to and yet a new take on it.

Eben's grief doesn't seem real. It is in a "told" mode of storytelling.

he wept. He marveled at his unbridled grief as it tore through him, reducing him to gasping sobs. Yet still he remained partially detached. His life had always been one of complete control; his emotions, his body, even the world around him, always controlled. But in this he was lost, riding the storm of his own emotion. It was at once terrifying and exhalting. And he reveled in it.

If his grief is unbridled, I don't think he is marveling at it at that moment. Afterwards, maybe. And all this is vague. Aside from the funeral sands (nice touch), we don't know what he lost and, "I" for one, don't care -- not yet. And I would need to care in order to read on if this were a novel in a bookstore.

His life had always been one of complete control; his emotions, his body, even the world around him, always controlled. -- this is vague and uninteresting. In the end, there is no subtextual idea being built by this listing of vague details about his life. Always, always [except when inspiration hits] use specific details, not vague generalizations.

I suspect that the funeral sands might be the place to work from. They are an interesting idea. Eben's grief isn't, so far.

Maybe open with a broad idea as the subject of the paragraph and give several sentences of supporting ideas.

for example [not details of your story, but something similar]

Funeral sands are hot no matter who died. It's to keep the mourners from staying long. The white glare off their smooth surface dries tears. Rushes grief. Sends aunts and uncles, little kids and acquaintances back to the prepared buffet in town. Once safely away from the dead, they can eat and drink and remind each other how it wasn't THEIR fault he died.

[And then slowly bring on Eben and his grief.]

All of THEM had left an hour ago. Only Eben remained. The sands scorched the fine twilled linen of his pants and burned his hands as he remained prone in front of the coffin.

[show us Eben is experiencing unbridled grief, don't tell us]

No matter who died, the funeral sands are, I think, the interesting aspect of your opening. We've all experienced funerals, just not with funeral sands. A new take on a common, collective, human experience.

Well, anyway, that is my take on this.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 18, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 18, 2006).]

quote:

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Eben fell to his hands and knees in the funeral sands and for the first time in his twenty years, he wept.

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My biggest problem after the opening sentence is that you don't follow up on the two things that need to be followed up on. You give us the beginning of a setting, but you need to follow through on that. I want to know what those funeral sands are about, and why he's there. You promise a conflict, but you don't tell us any more about it. You don't need to spend too much more time describing his grief, since we've all felt grief before. Just tell us why he's upset, so we can grieve with him.

I'm assuming funeral sands are a place where people are buried, but who died? If you tell the reader who died and why that person was important to Eben (through his own thoughts), we can feel more with him. Don't tell us how he feels, but show us what he's experiencing. Is he clawing the sand, beating it with his fists? Does sand mix with his tears and cling to his cheeks?

Tell us why and show us how. Don't say he wept. Make us weep with him.

If he is thinking anything coherent during this kind of grief, surely it's about the object of his grief, about his loss. This kind of gut-wrenching grief pushes everything else aside. How can he also be detached, terrified and exalted? The release may feel good later, but in the moment, that's all there is.

quote:

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for the first time in his twenty years, he wept.

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Your first sentence doesn't ring true to me because unless he was never a baby, he must have cried.

While the funeral sands is an interesting place (which you need to elaborate on a bit for clarity's sake), it isn't the hook for your story. Maybe the hook is the relationship Eben had with whomever died? Was there a burial of some sort? Maybe Eben's point of view during that time would be more revealing and allow for interaction with other characters to create that hook.

However, IMHO, if you've just begun this novel, don't get stuck on the opening 13 just yet! Keep writing your first draft and polish later. Don't let any criticism at this early stage in your game sidetrack or detour you. Knock it all out, then revise.

quote:

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However, IMHO, if you've just begun this novel, don't get stuck on the opening 13 just yet! Keep writing your first draft and polish later. Don't let any criticism at this early stage in your game sidetrack or detour you. Knock it all out, then revise.

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"and for the first time in his twenty years, he wept."
As mentioned previously by another, I'm rather skeptical about this statement. But it actually made me think two things.
1) Is rather exaggerated...since everyone cries as infants and children.
2) If he never cried, then is he even human or is it possible he never cired considering he is a descendent of this particular ancestor? If this is the case, then by all means keep it the way it is, just let the reader know of this feature? This is fantasy afterall.

"He marveled at his unbridled grief as it tore through him, reducing him to gasping sobs. Yet still he remained partially detached. His life had always been one of complete control; his emotions, his body, even the world around him, always controlled."
Would this be because of his personality (who he is) or because of "what he is?" Just pointing it out so that you know to elaborate on that at some point in the story.