posted
Alright, want some feedback on this. I promised it Saturday but left it at work. Anyway, I haven't gotten to touch it up, which I'm going to do some polishing on it now. Be brutal, I want this to come out right. I'm not afraid of some criticism.
Unsure what genre this would fall into. Dystopic Sci-Fi? It's a novel that begins in modern day and spans 200 years to the end of civilization and after. Short novel, don't have any specific target size in mind though...just to get it written and out.
Mark _________________________ “Another four years of Gamine is another four years of high gas prices. It means another four years without funding for our schools. That’s four more years of unemployment.” The voice boomed from the loudspeakers on either side of the podium, and the crowd cheered noisily at his declaration. As candidates go, Senator Allan Jacobs was probably the best choice. While he didn’t have the winning smile, youthfully unwrinkled face, or any decorations from war, he did have a big heart meant for the people of his country. This was the key to success, because a president who cares about the people is good for the country. Before he could continue his speech, however, an excruciating bang split the air. The Senator’s silk jacket blossomed with
[This message has been edited by MarkJCherry (edited October 16, 2006).]
posted
I'm not sure about this. It feels like you aren't quite starting in the right place. But I would read on to find out if the man is killed or only injured.
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posted
Hey Mark, First, I had trouble with what a gamine was. Until I realised it was a name. Initial comment is that it seems like a set-up we have seen a million times before. Jacobs seems like a two dimensional caricature.
quote:As candidates go, Senator Allan Jacobs was probably the best choice.
We have a POV issue here. Who is saying this? It does not sound like it is Allan Jacobs so it must be someone else. Who?
The whole 'big heart=key to success' doesn't sound right for dystopian world. It may be right for your story but seems a naive statement where the promise in your set-up is for a more skeptical tone. In other words, I think that it needs more grittiness. A grimy-lensed view. Depending, of course, on the POV and the narrator's position in time.
quote:The Senator’s silk jacket blossomed with...
This image of a 'silk jacketed politician' makes me think Jacobs is a privileged, conceited fake... and i hope he dies. That's mainly because I don't get the sense that he is interesting enough for me to want to follow through a whole novel.
PS: Very unsympathetic character in my view — I would probably vote for Gamine.
PS: Consider the implications of the choice of names. Gamine originally a street urchin. It also sounds foreign. Jacobs, of course, could be read as 'belonging to Jacob', or Israel. Where these things deliberate? It seems like a setup for a 'Only Earth Abides' style story of descendants of Jacobs repopulate a devastated world only to start the cycle once more.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 16, 2006).]
The POV is 3rd Person, focused on the MC's perspective(not omniscient, but what the MC knows, and some statements are slanted to a naivity, yes. I'm glad that came across...but it didn't come across as I wanted it to.
The fourth paragraph(we got to the third in the first 13) introduces the MC. Yes, Jacobs isn't supposed to be a loved character, and no one's really supposed to care about him. It's a launchpoint for the action.
Now, heres a thought...I'm going to need to slip the MC into the first 13. What about cutting the first two paragraphs entirely, and the first sentance of the third paragraph. The opening line would be "The Senator's silk jacket blossomed with..."
Now, I like this idea. Could come out interestingly. I thought I should introduce who is about to die, but since he doesn't really matter too much, other than things that can be told of him later, I should use this to introduce the MC durring the shooting.
Thanks for the feedback...I'll get back with a new 13 if she-who-must-not-be-named doesn't tell me otherwise before tomorrow(sooner if she says it's OK) - issue with a new 13 is they're basically the followup to the original 13 and I don't want to bend "da rulez."
Mark
P.S. It's not Dystopic at the beginning. It's about how a country becomes a dystopia and destroys itself and the world with it.
[This message has been edited by MarkJCherry (edited October 16, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by MarkJCherry (edited October 16, 2006).]
_______________________________________ PS: Consider the implications of the choice of names. Gamine originally a street urchin. It also sounds foreign. Jacobs, of course, could be read as 'belonging to Jacob', or Israel. Where these things deliberate? It seems like a setup for a 'Only Earth Abides' style story of descendants of Jacobs repopulate a devastated world only to start the cycle once more. _______________________________________
Yes. The names are intentional. Very. In fact, I'll tell you this. The name Gamine was chosen for both it's origin(foreign, french I believe, and another title I'm thinking of for this is "Pes Aller" or Last Resort) and for...a darker reason. "Gamine Oil" and "Milo Hardet"(the first MC) are both Anagrams. I leave it to you to discover their meaning, though.
[This message has been edited by MarkJCherry (edited October 16, 2006).]
posted
Rewrote the first 13, as promised. Doesn't change much of what happens, but starts off with the action, which seems like it might be a better starting point. Honestly, I like it more.
Same as before, tear it up! _________________________________________ The Senator's silk jacket blossomed with blood, and he fell backward on the podium. The crowd seemed to suck in it's breath in surprise, the sound of the shot ringing in the air, then a dreadful silence. All at once, hell broke loose. The crowd let out a deafening roar as the police rushed to try and bring the situation under control.
As the crowd scattered in every direction, giving the gunner his necessary chaos, Milo Hardet stood and watched. As if in a daze, he took first one step, and then another, towards the fallen candidate. With no clear passage of time for him, it seemed only moments before paramedics were on the scene attempting to fix Senator Jacobs.
posted
Much better starting point! I'm not a pov expert but the inclusion of - giving the shooter chaos- seemed out of place as I'm assuming we are in milo's pov at the moment. I also question the word "fix" in relation to the Senator. You fix a machine, you save or help a human. But perhaps that was your point. I'm not in your head.
I almost think too that the description "all hell broke loose" is telling rather than showing. But I know that going more in depth into the scene would take up those precious thirteen lines. "all hell..." also might be repetitive as you tell us that and then go into a small description. Just go with description.
posted
A much better place to start. MUCH better. BUT you asked for tearing, so...
quote:he fell backward on the podium.
This implies that he was standing in front of the podium instead of behind it as expected. Leads me to wonder what he was doing there.
quote:The crowd seemed to suck in it's breath in surprise
Did it seem to, or did it actually do it?
quote:All at once, hell broke loose.
This seems a little cliche. I agree you should just go with a description of what happened.
quote:The crowd let out a deafening roar
This feels a little hyperbolic.
quote:as the police rushed to try and bring the situation under control.
This is vague, in the sense that it doesn't show the police doing anything specific. Why aren't they looking for the shooter? Or if they've seen him/her, why aren't they trapping the shooter so he/she can't escape? Or why aren't they calling for backup or trying to corale the crowds away from the stage? All these things are more specific than 'bring the situation under control'.
quote:giving the gunner his necessary chaos
Agreed, this violates PoV, unless the shooter IS the PoV character, or the PoV character has knowledge of the shooter's motives.
Speaking of the shooter, where is he/she in this opening? I would have expected someone to be concerned about that.
My only other comment is that I have no idea who Milo is. Is he the shooter? The Senator's aide? The opposing candidate? The debate moderator? The television producer broadcasting the speech/debate? The Senator's stepson? Stepfather? Gay lover? Parole officer? Guardian angel? You get the picture. Defining who Milo is has a huge bearing on how we perceive this scene.
posted
IMHO, start with Milo. Give me a line or two about him and his connection with the scene. Right now I don't know who the Senator is or that he's likely to be the next president. Then the pandamonium and assasignation makes more sense. I want to know how Milo reacts to the shooting more than just generalize statements about the crowd's reaction.
quote: The Senator's silk jacket blossomed with blood, and he fell backward on the podium. The crowd seemed to suck in it's breath in surprise, the sound of the shot ringing in the air, then a dreadful silence.
I won't repeat what's been said about the blossoming blood and falling, but I think the order is unnatural. First, there would be a shot. Then the unnatural silence and crowd gasp. Then the blood shows up on the jacket. Or more likely the Senator falls down and no one who is not on the stage sees the blood.
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