posted
Ok, second try. For those of you who gave feedback on the first try, I've shifted some things. Don't try to reconcile this version with what you know from the other, or you might get confused.
One request: In your feedback, please distinguish between "now" questions (those that need to be answered in the opening and aren't) and "future" questions (those that pique your curiosity and make you want to read on to learn the answers). Hopefully there will be more of the latter than the former. *crosses fingers*
Thanks everybody!
quote:When Tiayun realized her transport was going to explode, she was already halfway to the spaceport and preoccupied with memorizing the Selosian peace petition. An emissary had to show strength: relying on a written document looked weak. No, when she presented the petition to the ruler of the planet Muthloch, she would face him empty-handed and never break eye contact.
Outside the transport, the sun set over the swamps of the planet Selos. The landscape looked increasingly familiar to Tiayun. It shouldn't have; she had crossed this region only once before, and that was at night. Instinctively she searched through the millions of forememories buzzing below the surface of her conscious thoughts. Like the others, the forememory of...
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 08, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 08, 2006).]
I only have this suggestion: "when she presented the petition, she'd face [him] empty-handed" -- to me this image looks weak, not strong, and I had to re-read to get why that was a good thing.
Maybe it doesn't matter, and you can let her have the written document. Or not: it's really just the word "empty-handed" that threw me.
I am completely un-confused by this one. I assume you'll be telling me what a "forememory" is soon. I don't know why the transport's facing explosion, but I look forward to finding out.
posted
Kathleen: According to my document (Courier 12 pt, 1-inch margins), you've cut me off at 12 lines, not 13. Is there another measure I don't know about?
Wbriggs: Thanks for the comments. Good catch on that "empty-handed" thing. I see what you mean. As for your offer, can I take a rain check? The ripple effect from the changed opening has caused the need for an overhaul to the whole first scene, so it's not ready for readers.
posted
Now I understand what's going on. But a reader who hadn't seen all the discussion might be confused by this version for another reason. It is too weird, I think, that she seems to realize her transport is going to explode, and then goes on to contemplate the scenery. Maybe just one transition sentence is needed.
I like the character now, because she's an accomplished and capable woman, and for me this is more of a hook than exploding spaceships. I really want the explanation of forememory to come in the first chapter, of course, but I think it will appear in the query letter and book jacket, and that it doesn't have to be in the first 13.
posted
I understood it to mean that the contemplation of the scenery came *before* the realization of the impending explosion, but obviously LaceWing didn't...I'm not sure what would make this clear.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Kathleen: According to my document (Courier 12 pt, 1-inch margins), you've cut me off at 12 lines, not 13. Is there another measure I don't know about?
Sojoyful, what I do is look at the lines in the reply box, which is set to show 13 lines in proper manuscript format. If you go into your post with the edit button, and move the scroll bar until you see the beginning of your quote at the top of the edit box, you should see that there are 12 lines of text and a blank line showing. The 13th line is the next one, and that's where I cut off your excerpt.
posted
I've just checked the length if I were to remove the quote tags, and it is just enough to move the stuff from the end of the first paragraph onto the line above, so you're right. If there are no indentations in your paragraphs, you can get what I cut your excerpt down to into 12 lines. But don't you indent at the beginning of each paragraph in your manuscripts?
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yes, but in the manuscript I don't have blank lines between paragraphs - I only formatted it that way here so it would read better on screen. This is the first I've ever heard of measuring strictly by the reply box - I always thought we posted 13 lines as formatted in the actual manuscript.
However, I bow to your judgement, Oh She Who Must Be Obeyed. That'll teach me to add spaces to make things more readable!
EDIT: Where are my manners? Thank you for clarifying, Kathleen.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 09, 2006).]
posted
I wasn't very clear. I give people credit for the blank lines and don't count a blank line as one of the 13 lines, so please don't stop putting those in.
The quote tag was what moved your 12 line to 13 lines.
Go ahead and send me the 13th line, and I'll put it back into your quote box.
posted
This opening is great--the first paragraph is a wonderful hook. However, I kind of wanted the second paragraph to be about the exploding transport. I picture her frantically trying to get out, and then looking back at the explosion and being in awe of what just happened. The adreniline rush would make it hard to immediately focus on the surroundings. That's just my little opinion though.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I seem to be in the minority so take this with a grain of salt. I thought the opening was jarring.
You set me up with: "When Tiayun realized her transport was going to explode, she was already halfway to the spaceport and preoccupied with memorizing the Selosian peace petition."
And then leave the whole explosion thing to jump to a near time flashback. So I'm wondering if she realized the shuttle was going to blow and then calmly went back to her speach? You seem to be teasing too much for my tastes. But then, I generally hate the "if I'd only known then . . ." stories.
For me, I'd rather wait to know that her transport was going to blow for a few lines. Step me up with the normal (a diplomat preparing for a meeting) and then beat me over the head with the sensational (she knows the shuttle is a goner) and what she does about it. Afterall, if I had a vison that my shuttle was going to blow up, I wouldn't be worrying about my upcoming meeting. I'd be trying my darnest to stop the event.
quote: No, when she presented the petition to the ruler of the planet Muthloch, she would face him empty-handed and never break eye contact.
I think the problem with this sentance could be the "no" starting it. I don't know what question she is answering. After all I already know she's trying to memorize it. It might work better as: "She would present the peition to the ruler of the planet Muthloch without her notes that way she didn't have to break eye contact and risk looking submissive."
I * still * really like the imagry of the second paragraph. But now I am a bit confused. She's meeting the ruler of Muthloch but is landing on the planet Selos? It might be easier to use his/her name in the first paragraph or explain that Selos is the meeting point/way station.
quote:Instinctively she searched through the millions of forememories buzzing below the surface of her conscious thoughts.
I think you can lose the "instinctively." Also, I want to know what Forememories are. Are they premonitions? A computer program? What? I need to know now before you get into a description of what the let her know.
posted
Kathleen: It's ok. I wasn't trying to lobby for my 13th line - just wanted to know what the measure was. I'm getting good feedback as is. Take that time you would have used and go have a Klondike bar.
All: Your feedback is very helpful, thank you! Once again, it looks like I have some revision to do, since I've given you the (incorrect) impression that she realizes the explosion first and then thinks about the other stuff. So I have some work to do before this is clear. Thanks for all your comments!
Printer-friendly view of this topic
Is there another measure I don't know about?
