posted
Bacchus was in the hut that He had called home for several years when the soldier came in. The man before him was most certainly a commander, it was just that air of command that the soldier obviously thought He exuded. "Bacchus, I am told that a man of your... abilities would be of use to the Fiefdom." the cold stare that Bacchus gave Him told the Commander to go on. "I have been sent by The Count to offer you a position among His troops. If you decide to accept, we shall discuss room, board, and pay." Bacchus rose from His seat and contemplated the sad specimen of a human before Him. "what if I were to refuse this? I have done several illegal acts in the past, and I would not feel very safe among men whose comrades I have killed."
Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Bacchus was in the hut that He had called home for several years when the soldier came in.
Using passive language so soon can be a turn off. Try to cut "had" out of the text as much as possible.
A lot of your "he"s and "him"s, are capitalized. If that's on purpose it's distracting. And you're not consistent.
quote:...him was most certainly a commander, it was just that air of command that the soldier obviously...
Repetition of "command" and "was". Along with two "ly" words.
Dialogue should be in its own paragraph, along with a tag, or action, and name, of the person speaking--at least for the beginning so the reader can get a grasp on what's going on. Because I'm not exactly sure who's talking in the beginning, I have no clue who's taking later and you have all the action of the other guy in with the dialogue of another--unless, again, I'm wrong about who's talking...needless to say it's very confusing...
quote:the cold stare that Bacchus
"the" should be capitalized. And who's staring at who here? I'm really confused.
So, focus on format and POV, I think.
Hope this helps...
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited September 08, 2006).]
posted
I thought there was *no* POV, but looking at it again I see we're in Bacchus's. But we know so little about Bacchus I can't understand his reactions or what he might do next -- I would like to know more.
You might also check capitalization and use of paragraph format.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited September 09, 2006).]
posted
I thought the second sentence was very confusing, which leads, I think, to the confusion of POV.
Another thought. It feels to me that Bacchus is not the type to be a regular soldier, so the count offering a position among his troops feels kind of funny. Maybe something like: ...told the commander to go on. "I've been sent by the count. He has use for someone with your talents. If you decide..."
Maybe I just don't have a good feel for MC. I can't tell if he is some big, muderous brute, or if he is a scheming, slimy rat.
posted
Bacchus is a mercenary who fought for other barons, and the Count wants to turn Bacchus to His own purposes. by the way, the Count is the main villain.
Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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