posted
Hello Hatrack. Long time no see. I took a lengthy hiatus from writing to reconsider my form. I don't know if it's done me any good, but I've been reading a lot of Dickens, Poe, and of course some good old Samuel Clemons. Anyhow, my story entails a self-conscious, clumbsy college student who goes to war to become a better man. I don't know if you'd consider that a war genre story, but there is practically no combat involved whatsoever. ________________________________
My dear Diane. To you I write with earnest regret, though I suspect you’ve not lamented my lack of correspondence in recent months. I’m currently stationed in Weis, a small township in northern Austria, where the view does not adhere to the country’s reputation. There is but one meadow of brown grass and an occasional dead tree, though the luxuries are a welcomed change to narrow trenches, crowded foxholes and the never ending thirty caliber orchestra. I must insist that I am not seeking your pity in writing this, nor do I intend to convey my sufferings for your aid in bearing them. The reason for which I’ve ended our lengthy silence is to enlighten you on the events that have lead to my change, so you might permit an audience upon my imminent return.
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited August 29, 2006).]
posted
Before I get to my other thoughts, I *strongly* suggest you remove your story description (beginning with "Anyhow, my story entails...") from your introductory paragraph above. How can we evaluate your writing on its own merits if we already know what the story is about? My reading was already tainted because of that.
Anywho...
I assume the first phrase is meant to be set apart, as the beginning of the letter? Otherwise, it doesn't read right because it isn't a complete sentence.
quote:where the view does not adhere to the country’s reputation
This is a point where I had to stop, back up and read again. I know what you're trying to convey, but as a reader I was momentarily confused because I didn't have the context your character has. What is the reputation? For all we know, in the fictional realm of your story, it could have a reputation as a rat's nest full of crime and prostitution. Also, I know you're trying to find another way of saying 'live up to', but the word 'adjere' jostled me.
quote:There is but one meadow of brown grass and an occasional dead tree, though the luxuries are a welcomed change to narrow trenches, crowded foxholes and the never ending thirty caliber orchestra.
The word 'luxeries' apparantly refers to the meadow and dead tree. I know that's not what you meant, but that's how the phrase structure ends up portraying it.
quote:the events that have lead to my change
I think you meant 'led'.
All in all, not too bad. It doesn't particularly inspire me to read on, because it feels kind of ho-hum to me. However, that could just be personal preference, as I'm not that partial to the genre.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited August 29, 2006).]
posted
The language doesn't feel very natural. The usages come off as forced and contrived. If this is just how your guy writes, then don't put his own words on the page. If you want to show him writing the letter, that might be interesting (if painful) but the letter itself isn't very engaging.
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The original first sentence was a fragment, as I admit. I got the idea from More's Utopia. Anyhow, its been fixed. Thank you again. Also, I plan to elaborate a bit more on my descriptions within the first two paragraphs. What I've provided are the bare bones so they would be within Hatrack format.
The letter is meant to be an opening to the story. I don't plan to tell the story through one longggggg letter, though I considered writing it through a series of letters that way, so I could move in between the present (the time the narrator is writing) and the past (the events the narrator is writing about). However, I ultimately decided that nobody writes story's in their letters, except for Thomas More.
posted
Dracula is an example of a very well-written story done through letters, diary entries and (I think) the occasional news clipping. I encourage you to look at it if the epistolary format interests you.
As for cutting out descriptions to get down to the 'bare bones' in order to stay under 13 lines, don't. Post the 'actual' first 13 lines, and let us evaluate those. That will, I think, be more helpful to you.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited August 30, 2006).]
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