posted
I hope I've fixed some of the problems. I tried to incorporate the feedback, as much as possible. How does this work? Problems still there? Have I thrown out any babies with the bath water, or missed the elephant in the living room?
Looking back, it seems like most of my childhood I was standing around trying to figure out what the heck was going on. The day that Bill Dorothy left was one of those times. I was six, maybe seven years old, going blithely along as little girls do. Then, boom, everything changed.
Probably, Bill Dorothy wasn't the man's real name. Maybe I knew a girl with the name Dorothy, and his name sounded similar. Or I might have been thinking of Dorothy Gayle from Kansas. Come to think of it, when she landed in Oz, she may have felt pretty much the same way I did that day -- like I was trying to do a jigsaw puzzle with a giant piece missing. Eventually, Dorothy Gayle figured out what was different; she wasn't in Kansas anymore. The piece to my puzzle, on the other hand, is still missing.
"...it seems like most of my childhood..." would sound better as "...it seems like for most of my childhood..."
"Probaby, Bill Dorothy wasn't the man's..." would read better "Bill Dorothy probably wasn't even the man's..."
"Maybe I knew..." It may be just me, but "maybe" doesn't seem to sound right here. "I could have known..."? I'm not sure what would go best here, but for some reason, the "maybe" messes up the sentence for me.
As someone said in a reply on the other string, I already empathize with the narrator.
posted
Here's what I learn from the segment: MC was confused when a man left, back when she was a girl; and she still is.
Thing is, this can be said in one line (as I just showed). It's not so much that the extra text needs cutting out, as that some of what I *do* want to know is missing. Mostly: what is it about Bill's leaving that's confusing? Why is he significant to her? If I knew why it mattered to her, it might matter to me, as well.
posted
It does seem to work a little better. You've got a little bit more information about the narrator, a lot better continuity on Bill, but the Wizard of Oz reference still doesn't work for me. After all, Dorothy is dealing with a pretty complete milieu transposition, it's more like she's only got one piece of the puzzle (herself), and has to go around assembling the rest so she can get back to Kansas. Your narrator, on the other hand, has only that one piece missing, and she knows the name of the missing piece. She just doesn't know the shape of it, the reason why Bill, a man who's name she doesn't properly remember, should have left such a huge hole in her world when he left.
Still, it's something I can blame on the narrator for now. Having a narrator say incomprehensible things can be a valid direction in crafting the character, even though it hurts identification and sympathy.
posted
Thanks again everybody. Survivor, that is a point well made, about Dorothy. I'm still working on it...
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2006
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