posted
Okay I gave it another shot. Thanks for your advice and please continue to give me your insight. Here's take two.
quote:Three hours past shutdown. The entire science facility was black and empty, though it felt haunted. Alexander pushed the awkward cart of embryos down the hall. Black marks scarred the white paint, the plastic bolsters were melted from recent heat. The door slid open and he awkwardly shoved the cart back into its normal position.
The eerie lab was lit only by a few sparks from torn cables. He stepped farther in and was startled by the woosh of the closing door. Calming his breaths he ventured further, nearly tripping over an overturned chair. The only sounds were the crunch of glass and the echo of his footsteps. The lab was in ruins, he saw glimpses of smashed equipment. They'd already come. They'd already been here... he turned back to the cart. The innocent
Possibly a little long but its okay because it isn't going to stand like this if/when I submit it for publishing. So I'm not concerned about electronic rights.
here's the original below:
This is the beginning of my prologue of my first novel, I am more interested in how the setting strikes you than anything else. The thoughts and questions of the reader are my first concern, how the actual word-smithing could improve is a second priority. Thanks. Genre: Philosophical-Science-Fantasy. Word Count: 129,000
The room was perfectly still as Alexander entered. Deep haunting shadows of turned-over tables and smashed equipment were vaguely discernible in the dim ambient lights. The important thing was... the room was vacant. Alexander ambled the cart back into the octangular room avoiding the debris. The only sounds were the crunch of glass and the echo of his footsteps.
He meticulously positioned the hefty machine on wheels as if it had never left. Sitting there in the corner, like always, cradling and nourishing two-hundred capsuled embryos. Except now it held human embryos instead of the Hybrids...
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 07, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 07, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 07, 2006).]
posted
I'm not sure how the "important thing" is that the room was empty. That just didn't strike me, at least in these first lines. I think you need to say why that's important or leave it out at the beginning. The line starting "He meticulously position..." is kind of weird. A "hefty machine that had never left" doesn't make sense to me. I just don't know what you mean.
I like the 'capsuled embryos" being human. It fortells that we're going to have a big problem coming up in that regard. That's a good start.
posted
The opening isn't terrible, although do you really need the ellipsis in the first paragraph? Overall, though, I'm not hooked. There's a smashed laboratory for no reason, with the embryos not trashed. Why? I haven't a clue what's going on.
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posted
This opening brings up a ton of questions--which isn't particularly a bad thing, but I would expect a whole lot of answers pretty quickly. With the first sentence reading, "the room was perfectly still" I felt that the third sentence was a bit redundant--I figured the room was empty because it was so still, and why is that "the important thing"? I also felt the first sentence of the second paragraph was rough. I'd like to know what's on the cart as soon as you mention it to help me visualize it correctly right off. I was picturing a cart full of chemical test-tube, so when you mention the machine in the next paragraph I was thrown. Not at all a bad beginning--I'd probably give it another page or two just to figure out what's going on.
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posted
I've seen too many suspense movies, I think. Your second sentence establishes a shadowy, chaotic room, not a place I'd believe anyone could definitively say was vacant without spending some time looking about. Give me a reason to believe Alexander KNOWS the room is vacant. How does he know no one is hiding in the shadows, behind one of those overturned tables? There's always somebody there, in the movies...
I'd like a better description of the cart and machine. Because when you said "cart", I thought of a library cart, or one of those little metal carts you see in hospitals. Then you say "hefty machine", and my earlier vision of the cart seemed almost comical.
I love the ideas in the last paragraph. For me, that's a terribly intriguing image.
posted
I think the reason some people aren't hooked is because you don't get very far, very fast in these 13 lines, and I think that that's because this is a very adjective heavy piece of writing.
It feels like there's a hook here but it's just coming at me too slowly.
I'm also not a big fan of the "The important thing..." sentence. It feels like the narrator is stepping too overtly into the scene, so it broke the flow for me.
Aside from that it seems like there is a dramatic situation building just out of sight, so that's cool.
Of course, all this is just my opinion, but I hope it helps.
quote:The room was perfectly still as Alexander entered. Deep haunting shadows of turned-over tables and smashed equipment were vaguely discernible in the dim ambient lights.
I like the images, but this just seems too clunky to me. Too many adjectives, as someone else said. Things being "vaguely discernable" seems very passive. Maybe put this in terms of the character seeing this, rather than it being discernable. Also, check spelling.
quote:The important thing was... the room was vacant. Alexander ambled the cart back into the octangular room avoiding the debris. The only sounds were the crunch of glass and the echo of his footsteps.
The ... seems unnecessary. Amble means walk, so you can't really amble something. Octangular should be octagonal.
quote: He meticulously positioned the hefty machine on wheels as if it had never left. Sitting there in the corner, like always, cradling and nourishing two-hundred capsuled embryos. Except now it held human embryos instead of the Hybrids...
Hefty is not a very good adjective here. It tells us almost nothing about the machine. It doesn't tell me what it looks like, just that it's rather heavy.
A good start, but it doesn't feel polished yet. The wording slows it down in a few places and distracts me from the content. However, the content is interesting. As it is, I wouldn't read on. However, if you simplify the writing and keep it flowing, I'll probably change my mind.
posted
That's an interesting point Ray... and I'll admit I don't feel qualified to make the reader trully care within 13 lines. I'd love to see some examples if you'd offer them. That could be a very powerful tool but its still out of my league.
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posted
The new variation brings up a new question: Who are "they"? I think the reader could handle a name here, without demanding an immediate explanation.
The reason I care about this scene is touched on in two places -- "...the awkward cart of embryos..." and "The innocent..." But you haven't given me a real explanation of whether or not the embryos were ever in danger, why they are important to Alexander, and whether or not the Hybrids are creations I should love or loathe.
You don't have to give me all of that in the first 13, as I like your descriptions and I'd keep reading anyway. But it would be stronger, more appealing in general, with a little more emotion.
For me, since I'm attracted to this scene because of the idea of a "cart of embryos", I'd give the cart a bit more presence. Concentrate on it, instead of wandering away to the black marks on the wall and the torn cables. You can still have those things, but let the cart make a counterpoint to the debris and chaos. Let Alexander be more concerned about the embryos than about the damage to his surroundings. Then I'LL care more about them. (Or let him focus on whatever aspect of the scene you mean to be most important. As a reader, I'll follow your lead. You may not mean for me to care so much about the cart and its contents, but I focused on it because you didn't really focus me anywhere else.)
I hate rewriting someone's fragment, but sometimes I can't think how to explain what I mean without giving an example. And I don't think I've been very clear, here, with what I mean. So, with apologies:
###
Alexander pushed the awkward cart of embryos down the ravaged hallway. He winced as the wheels crunched over broken glass and bits of melted plastic, and glanced to reassure himself that the [how many] embryos were protected from jostling.
###
I know that's not how you mean this scene to play out, I'm just giving an example of how you can integrate description and a more personal interplay, to maybe demonstrate some of Alexander's motivations and emotions while you give details to the setting.
posted
Not bad, but you could use some more internal action.
If you just did the action in the first paragraph, and let us know what Alexander was thinking about as he pushes his cart of embryos down a darkened hall in a wrecked science facility, I'm thinking this would be a pretty good start.
As it is, I wouldn't mind turning the page. Can't say I'm hooked or anything. But it's not bad.
The cart is something I need to present a decently-clear image of. The question is should it be right away in the first 13 or not. But thanks for the idea.
Survivor, you bring up an excellent point. I think with the second paragraph I was trying to advance the events faster [to appear in the first 13] but at the expense of the internal aspect. I'm not very experienced with writing a character's thoughts but I agree they should be there. I will re-write this, based on those ideas, and repost as soon as I can.
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