posted
Honestly, in this I am trying to set the tone for the character, the main character. This is a defining point in his life. It is scifi/fantasy. The story is only around 4,000 words at the moment and written within the past week. You do not find out exactly what happened at the moment depicted till much later in the story, but I just want to know if it grabs attention in the thirteen lines allotted.
They killed her. Jack laid on the icy ground pondering those words. Trying to remember what they meant. They had meaning not too long ago, that he was sure of, but what he could't recall. They killed her His mouth ran silently over the words in endless repetition. Why though? His lungs burned with each new breath drawn in and a cloud of icy smoke left with each pushed out. He could't remember a time in his life that he had felt so numb, so cold. Nor could he recall how long he had been laying there, minutes, hours, perhaps even days. It really didn’t matter, his life was over the sweet embrace of death would soon come to him, release him from this torment. But why was he here.
You’re asking me? You’re the writer, you tell me So far all you’ve told me is: a woman was killed, Jack is sitting on the cold ground, he feels numb, he can’t remember for how long he’s been there and he's given up on life.
What I don’t understand is, how can this guy not know if he’s been laying there for minutes, hours or days? Shouldn’t his buns be frozen solid if he had been laying flat on his back on the “icy ground” for hours?
quote:They killed her
I wouldn't read on, sorry. Here you show me this guy Jack, saying somebody killed a woman but you don’t tell me who she is or what she is to the MC (I will assume Jack’s the MC). You do repeat the same sentence twice “They killed her” when you could’ve slipped in new information: “They killed my wife/twin sister” and still have somewhat of an effect by repeating "they killed". If what you wanted was to repeat the exact same sentence then ignore me, it’s your story and it’s not my place to tell you how to write it Your MC ponders and sits still for what it seems a great deal of time, considering he'd just woken up and somebody he knew was killed a short time ago (I'm assuming this woman was killed a short time ago) Is he injured and that’s why he isn’t getting up the cold ground? And whereis here?
My two pesos,
Nicole
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited August 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited August 06, 2006).]
posted
Too many 'they's in the first three paragraphs. You start by refering to 'they' that killed her, which makes me naturally think they who? In the second paragraph the 'they' refers to the words (I think), which confused me immediately. The fourth paragraph is your strongest--that's where I started thinking that this is really a story.
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So far all you’ve told me is: a woman was killed, Jack is sitting on the cold ground, he feels numb, he can’t remember for how long he’s been there and he's given up on life. 
