I was confused because you capitalized Skyfarer. I thought it might be the name of a ship or some other craft - a proper title. Then when we learn that the nervous skyfarer is the third one from the end, the implication is that there are multiple skyfarers - why is he capitalized in the first two sentances?

Another issue I had was that I found it difficult to believe that Kiash did not know what a horse was if his partner does. Both seem to be hiding so they should be affiliated; are they members of the Faithful?

I presume also that you mean the members of the Faithful in the more populated plains.

My final confusion was why would the skyfarers dig long tunnels under the ground. Their name implies travel or life in the skies and you imply that at least one is uncomfortable with land travel so why would they dig into the ground? If they do dig into the ground, why name them skyfarers and why would they be uncomfortable travelling on the ground.

These arer just my thoughts and I realize that you only have 13 lines to post here. My confusion could easily be cleared up in the story, but I'm so confused right now I probably wouldn't read on.

I wish this thing let us look at the post when we posted our reply. arg.

It's tuff to do, but it sounded interesting, like there was a hint of a story. Maybe there could be more. I'd try to put something in those first 13 lines that makes us pay attention.

I'll go back and reread it. I didn't realize we couldn't read it while we replied, sorry.

Let's break this down a bit...

<<Kiash could tell at first sight that the Skyfarer was new to the region.>>

I try to avoid "could" anything, because if he could, then why not just say that he did it? It's more direct and active. Always be as direct and active as possible in writing. I call this "passive writing" in that we aren't being active/direct, like we could say "Kiash saw", that is direct and active and gets us in the right direction with much fewer words (tightens).

I'm thinking it was worded this way to set Kiash up as the POV character when mentioned Skyfarer in the same sentence. From this first sentence, I'd recommend starting off with only the main POV (Point Of View) character (char) for the whole book, not to mention the scene, and don't add another character at least until the second sentence, preferably the second par.

Show vs tell - this first sentence TELLS us what Kiash observed. The reader wants to be shown. This makes the story much more interesting, to allow the story to be revealed thru showing, not short hand telling us, which means it's usually regurgitated thru the author's mind first. Show us why Kiash thinks this way.

<<As the group made their way through the forest, the Skyfarer's discomfort on the horse was obvious. >>

POV? Their??? Set up your main char POV in this first scene and get the reader to identify with him/her so they will care about him/her. "Their" doesn't identify with anyone at this point and removes the reader from caring or identifying with any particular char. If needed, say something like Kiash and his followers, or something like that.

POV? Skyfarer's discomfort was obvious to whom? This is telling the reader that Skyfarer was uncomfortable on the horse. But what does that LOOK like? He shifted in his saddle? He fidgeted? He listed, dropped the reins, winced at each bounce? Etc.

<<"Hmmm?" Kiash queried>>

"Kiash queried" is repeating what the ? shows us. Show as much as possible, don't tell and don't repeat or be obvious if possible. Use the tag line or attribute to move the story or don't use one at all, or just say "Kiash asked" or "Kiash said". Use the attribute to provide more information, description, action, etc., that moves the story in the direction toward building the plot.

I like the rest of the dialogue. It has a good sound to it.

AustAlien - Your first sentence sets up that you have two points of action, Kiash observing and the Skyfarer doing something else. But then you move to "As the group made their way through the forest..." It's unclear whether "the group" refers to Kiash and companions, or the Skyfarer and companions. You never really clear this up, and I can't be certain if both groups are in the forest, or if Kiash is in the forest, watching the Skyfarer move through some landscape near the forest...or even vice versa.

I liked Jozesh's observation about "he looks at the ground", and the way he infers from this that the Skyfarer is nervous about falling. This says a lot about both Jozesh and the Skyfarer (though you do need to clarify some of the pronouns, to avoid more confusion.)

The comment "At least, not on animals." is a bit out of place. There's no evidence, yet, of other things to ride on...and it seems like the opener for an "As You Know, Bob" explanation.

quote:

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AlleyPat...at the bottom of your "post reply" screen you will find a smaller box with the current discussion in it. This took me a few weeks to find, when I first started here, but now I use it all the time.

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You're faster than me. I could have used that about a billion times by now. I always wondered why they had that second banner at the bottom, too, but never noticed there was a scroll bar on it.

Thanks for the explanations as that's helping me not just on this little bit but on some other areas.