posted
Uh, hey guys. I'm not sure where this is going. It's the opening to a urban fantasy short story.
-------------------------- You can't have a name like Dante in a club like this. You stand out, and while that gets attention (and there are some kinds of attention that _everyone_ wants), you also don't want to be remembered. Not if you're me, anyway.
Dante's too memorable a name, too unusual. Here, I go by Danny.
You won't believe how many times I've had one hot stud or another sing "Danny Boy" to me and think he's being original. The strange thing is, it gets me every time. It goes with the territory. Part of what I am. The pipes, the pipes are calling.
You get a free drink here if you take your shirt off. There's plenty --------------------------
posted
If you take out the parenthetical in the second sentence, you have, "You stand out, and while that gets attention, you also don't want to be remembered." The last part doesn't make much sense, IMO. I'd put "You stand out." as its own sentence, then rephrase the second. (For example: "That kind of attention makes you memorable." Then change the last sentence to complete the idea that the MC doesn't want to be remembered.)
I guess I don't know why Dante is such a curious name. You should offer some explanation as to why that name, in your MC's world, is so unusual. I'd also like some passing description of "a club like this".
I like this opening. It's got a nice "voice", and the sentence structures give it a nice pace. (I love commas, so I'd sprinkle in a few more, but I don't see any instances where a comma would be grammatically necessary.) I do think you should give some better indication of your MC's gender.
posted
I liked it. I think Dante is weird enough that you don't need an explanation. I was confused when the narrator said that "everyone wants attention" and then turned around 180º to say that he didn't want to be remembered. Explain that. Someone already sugested a way to do it. The hook is clear: some person (probably a man, I can't imagine a woman being called Dante or Danny) goes to a sleazy club to get hit on by hot studs but for some reason doesn't want them to know his name. There's plenty of conflict, plenty of possible plots. The only thing I'm missing is the sci-fi/fantasy element but I'd read on to find it. Nice voice
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
It's not that there isn't a hook. I'm thinking that Dante is collecting victims in this club (and probably others). It's just a kind of "been there, done that" feeling.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I like the tone and feel of this but the parenthesis is found in a sub-phrase and it is cumbersome. You have set the phrase "and while that gets attention..." apart from your sentence and then want to include the parenthetical phrase "(and there are some kinds of attention that _everyone_ wants)" inside it - setting it apart from what you've already set apart. Whew! IF you want all of that in, try rearranging the phrases:
There are some kinds of attention that _everyone_ wants, but you can't have a name like Dante in a club like this. You stand out, and while that gets attention you also don't want to be remembered.
It's cumbersome, but has all those things. I'd try to pare it down and spread out the info. You have more time to get those thoughts in and don't have to do it all at once.
[This message has been edited by Verdant (edited July 20, 2006).]
posted
As far as actual wording, grammar, etc. I don't disagree with any of the previous posts. Just a bit of cleanup, but nothing HUGE.
I liked the tone, the voice of the person who's talking. That alone made me want to read more. I don't really know where it's going, but I liked the thought that whoever your MC is is living a lie right down to what name he uses. That's what I got out of the opening, and I want to know exactly what lie he's living and why. At that point, if you haven't hooked me, I won't care about the rest of the story, but for now, I'm curious.
If you need a reader for more, I'm officially volunteering.
posted
Thanks, guys. I can't make an honest reply to Survivor on a charge of banality without getting more defensive than I want to, so no words on that. You're all right about the parenthetical thoughts, though, and I'll take that out and work on keeping the asides out in the rest of it. (I love asides. Oops.)
As for the name Dante, I was thinking what Sara Genge was thinking: that it's uncommon enough, and memorable enough, that the MC would want something more... banal, so to say.
posted
I think that the problem is just a matter of attitude. Even if you just rearranged things a bit, it might make give a more compelling emotional tone to it.
quote:You won't believe how many times I've had one hot stud or another sing "Danny Boy" to me and think he's being original. The strange thing is, it gets me every time. It goes with the territory. Part of what I am. The pipes, the pipes are calling.
[of course, Danny isn't my real name. But] Dante's too memorable a name, too unusual.
You can't have a name like Dante in a club like this. You stand out, and while that gets attention (and there are some kinds of attention that _everyone_ wants), you also don't want to be remembered. Not if you're me, anyway.
Okay, that doesn't quite do it for me, but it feels closer this way.
posted
I like very much the contrast between the name Dante and Danny. The part that sounds weird to me is that the narrator is complaining about the "hot studs" making fun of the name. Normally I think of both Dante and Danny being male names. Now, why would a man be even thinking in terms of hot studs? Unless he's gay? I don't mind gay characters; I'd just like the gender questions clarified so I begin building an accurate imagery in my mind of the MC.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited July 20, 2006).]
posted
I think I see what you mean, Survivor. The way I read the rearrangement, it's got more of a dramatic "ending." The thing is, though, that this isn't the ending of the story; it's the beginning, so I think what you said about needing to have a stronger hook is important.
I'd agree, looking at it now, that opening with the paragraph that has the "it gets me every time" line is better. I don't quite see a way to do it without confusing a first-time reader about the relevance of "Danny Boy," as they don't yet know that he goes by Danny, but you're right. Maybe some setting detail first and then a lead-in, though I wanted to establish character immediately.
Elan: Oops, hehe. I guess I win some, I lose some. If I'd had more than 13 lines (just one more, in fact), Dante's maleness would have been established.
Hey, Corin-- if I get this thing to go anywhere at all, I'll send it to you and be forever grateful.
posted
The question I had wasn't about the MC's gender... I had (correctly) surmised he was male. My question was why is he referring to other males as "hot studs?" It's a weird phrase for a man to use in reference to other men, and it threw me off. Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
What is the name of the club, what kind of club is it? I agree if that having a name earns notice - or being noticed is a prob one would assume that blending into the background would be preferable. The MC would become a quiet hunter watching for a target - not inter-acting with the crowd...is Dante a vampire?
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 21, 2006).]
posted
Of course, I was assuming that "what I am" was an important clue to Dante's true nature, relevant to the story.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Yep - that is a clear indication that he was something - vampire, werewolf, demon, warlock, sexual deviant....
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
All of the above! When in doubt, make the main character everything and more!
Thanks again, guys. And gals. I think this boils down to more setting, sharper hook in the first paragraph, and clarity of sexual orientation, so off I go and hopefully this will actually come out with some kind of meaningful plot.
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