posted
Okay, I'm revising, attempting to establish genre, setting, character in a single bound. Not an easy task. I'm hoping that a reader would hold the situation in abeyance, while not going "Huh?" to the point of stop reading.
------------------------------------------------------------------------- Though Neil yearned to turn his head, more than anything, he wanted to blink, to close his eyes, to lose consciousness. To die, if that's what it took. Locked in a perpetual stare, his eyes ached to the point where he felt they would burst. If only. He watched his sister in the seat next to him, not that he had a choice; he could do little else.
Lucy's sky-blue pigtails had turned olive in the golden radiance that coated her, that coated everyone on the bus. If he could, he would've shaken his head. His mother had indulged her too much, because for Mom, the universe revolved about Lucy. Never mind about sky-blue being yesterday's trend for pretween blondes, it was embarrassing to be seen anywhere with her. Not that they'd ever get off the bus to be seen.
posted
I think you could take out 'to the point where he felt they would burst' and it would flow better and we'd get the point. After your first paragraph, I read your second and wondered why someone who is clearly in pain cares about his sister's fashion sense.
Other than that, it reads well, and I'd keep reading.
posted
I would've stopped reading if you hadn't described the way the MC felt about his sister and kept going on about possible ocular exposion. The character hooked me, it feels real because it has real feelings (who hasn't questioned a sibling's taste in hair-dos?). I want to know about this "golden radiance" that coated her too. And the bus, why won't they leave the bus?
However, Louiseoneal has a point (one that I missed, this is my first critique): why think about her sister's hair color if he feels his eyeballs are about to burst?
I think you've managed to establish genre and setting clearly (to me): science fiction, interior of a bus. POV Character... male, late teens?
This is just me thinking, feel free to skip it: "Pretween" is a fairly new term, I believe. It made me think of the near future when I had actually thought the story was set in a more distant future.
I would definitely keep reading.
Nicole
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 14, 2006).]
I'm a compulsive editor...
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 14, 2006).]
Of course, pretween isn't a real word, but a madeup coinage for a possible future just a few years away, a word to describe a market of girls before they enter thier tweens... not sure how first reader feal about madeup words... or characters that make up thier own. Once, I tried to twist 'seasmell' as a word, but due to crits, I took it out. Alas...
posted
I must have missed something, because I didn't get the genre. The "golden radiance" just confused me, because it's not clear if the light is simply a reflection, or something more. I suppose I could keep reading, waiting for it to be explained, but if your goal was to clearly develop genre in these 13, you failed for me.
I think you could drop the "though" and "more than anything" from the first sentence. The "more than anything" doesn't clearly define "to turn his head" or "to blink", so it kind of hangs there without a good purpose. If you want to keep it, drop either the comma before or the comma after, to firmly establish what it is modifying.
You could do more with "...if that's what it took" by being more specific about what, exactly, "it" is. The phrase is a bit indecisive, and actually dissipates some of the tension you are looking for.
I'm not sure I like using the word "stare" in the first paragraph. The rest of your description gives the impression that he is looking at his sister, really looking at her hair and her face and the way the light strikes her. "Stare" takes away the active nature of his appraisal, takes away a lot of the active thought processes he could be having, as well. Staring is a pretty passive, mindless activity. (Now, that's just a personal preference thing, I admit. Many readers might not get that same impression from the word "stare", so it might be perfectly fine as it stands.)
You rely an awful lot on the "frozen moment" effect, which kind of freezes the reader, too. Exchanging some of the stop-frame description for a more active approach would loosen the fragment up, make it more exciting.
The first sentence of the second paragraph might read stronger if you make "the golden radiance" your subject. (i.e. "The golden radiance coated everyone on the bus, and turned Lucy's sky-blue pigtails olive.") Again, I think this is a matter of personal preference, and it really depends on how much focus you want placed on the "radiance" versus how much focus you want to remain with Neil.
The last sentence came too abruptly, and you haven't established a true feeling of danger or impending catastrophe before you jump into it. I had no previous idea that Neil is frightened, only that he is irritated at his sister, and perhaps a little jealous of her.
He also seems passive and helpless, which turns him borderline petty when he starts griping about his sister. This may be exactly the kind of character you are building him to be, but that limits the kinds of things he can do later in the story. Should you need him to be brave and heroic, you will need to spend some time showing how he develops from this initial, ineffective moment.
I said all that, but none of it keeps me from liking this fragment. I like the idea of her blue hair, and the kind of normal sibling interaction you are building. I'm going to be excited if the reason he's saying "mother had indulged her too much" is because she's causing whatever is happening. I'd keep reading.
posted
Cool The nits -------------------------------------------------------- Though Neil yearned to turn his head, more than anything, he wanted to blink, to close his eyes, to lose consciousness. ------------------------------------------------------- There's a ponctuation error here. I don't know if "more than anything" refers to turning his head or blinking. I'm assuming it's blinking. I've tried fidling with ponctuation and arrived at the conclusion that either I don't know my grammer or that phrase is confusing no mater what. Try turning it around, dunno.
------------------------------------------------------ I agree that bursting eyes kill the mood. Also it was confusing having him look at his siter in the next seat. I assumed he was staring ahead and then it turns out he's looking to the side. You might want to drop that piece of info in the previous paragraph I'd keep reading. It's weird but it won't freak the sci-fi/fantasy crowd out.
Your right, the story isn't starting in the right place. Of course, it's a desperpate attempt to drop hints that this is a genre story. It's a bit of a drastic rearrangement from the original.
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