posted
I am working on a revision of Fallen Gods, a fantasy novel, and was wondering how everyone felt about this beginning. It is no where near ready to be critiqued as a work but I would love any feedback you could give on the first thirteen lines. Thank you.
Alex had gone on many fishing trips with her father as a child so was not immediately alarmed by the gentle rocking of the boat or by the soft splashing the waves made as they broke against the hull of the vessel, but as she opened her eyes and looked around the unfamiliar room she began to feel threads of dread start to grow in the pit of her stomach. Where am I? She wondered as she tried to sit up, but failed as blood rushed to her head causing the moonlit room to swim in front of her. “Okay,” she said quietly to herself. “Let’s figure this out. There has to be an explanation.” She took several deep breaths as she tried to keep from panicking.
posted
I would break up the first sentence to make it easier to digest. You can also lose things like "She wondered" since we are in her POV any thoughts that occur naturally belong to her.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
I think if you placed more observation before the internal monologue "There has to be an explanation," the scene would come off as more dramatic. In my opinion, the first thing someone would do after waking up is observe. Then they would ask how they got where they are. Perhaps just a sentence or two of details so the reader is more convinced.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I'm not sure what the connection is between her fishing background and this scene. Why would recognizing how a boat sounds be comforting, when you are waking up somewhere different from where you were when you fell asleep? I never buy the "...not immediately alarmed..." line in these kinds of scenes.
The whole "waking up" opener is a little suspect, and you need to put something in this that distinguishes it from all the other "waking up" openings already out there.
I don't think you need "...as she tried to keep from panicking." Simply by saying, "She took several deep breaths..." you've conveyed her struggle for control.
I'd be cautious, reading this opener, and inclined to put it down if it didn't move quickly into new territory.
posted
What Novice said, plus: she just wakes up, and she sounds like she's analyzing something. Possible, if she's unbelievably techno, but maybe it would be better if she just thought something like, "I don't know what's happening but I'd better find out." Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
After swimming in the ocean or being on a boat, before drifting off or waking, sometimes I've felt like I was swimming or on the waves for a few seconds, if you described her experience like that, I would get the idea. Otherwise, it confused me.
Posts: 187 | Registered: Jun 2006
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