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Hannah was thrilled when she got the news, she barely could sleep. The Administrator delivered the news personally to tell her she was to replace Captain Space as commander of the Galactic Force. Gorx, the Administrator, even called Space a dim-witted ape and several other choice names. Gorx showered her with praise and told her how important it was to have someone of her intellect in command. He said it would be a breath of fresh air. Hannah was oblivious to her natural tendency to mistrust over-inflated praise and to her it was about time she was recognized. Smiling she wait to get to the apartment and tell her daughter Sharel about the good news. Sharel’s green eyes shone with pride and she gave her mother a big hug, “I love you, Mommy and now can I have a puppy, my
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 12, 2006).]
posted
If we're going to have a conversation at the start, let us know where it's taking place, I think.
Something about this doesn't sit right with me. I think it's that I don't know Hannah at all, so I can't feel her reactions with her.
Another minor point: I'm under the impression we're in a space navy (based on ranks). But she's living in an apartment. If she's qualified to be a captain, shouldn't she already be on a ship? Maybe she's on leave. More major point: do military commanders often kidnap sailors' children, to make them commit crimes? No -- so be sure and set up your world so this will seem reasonably possible. Also, we'll want to be convinced that a starship captain is an expert codebreaker, which is a stretch.
posted
I'm having trouble getting into it too, but I don't think it's because I don't know Hannah yet. It's more that I don't know where the story starts. The first sentence tells me she's in bed, and so everything following is just a very long flashback, and an all too detailed one. It's fine to start off with her being thrilled about the news, but I'm more interested in what that means for her life. Was it something she'd been reaching towards for a long time, and since she has a kid, how's this going to affect her family life?
Basically, I'm seeing too much reaction to the news and not enough of the impact.
posted
The kidnapping has nothing to do with rank, but where she will be placed. Hannah is promoted to replace Space and Space holds the main code key, as well the main command base is on a moon near Bbet. They kidnapped the little girl as insurance, to make Hannah steal Space's key...I am in the military, in the air force particularly there is more freedom with rank - I can call Captain McGrath, Jesse and when there is a more senior rank or civillians around I would call him "sir". Often times its not the higher ranks who are privy to things, its the ones that are closer to the source.
POV, yeah throughout the story I jump around - I have to find a clear point..and grammar...I have to say thanks for your thoughtful insights
posted
Most of your grammar problems are minor of themselves, but they add up to a problem with flow. Once I started noticing the run-on sentences, I couldn't concentrate on the story.
As for the story, it's an awful lot jammed into a short space. You set the premise of the paragraph with the first sentence, Hannah's thrill results in insomnia. But the rest of the sentences don't refer back to that topic, and by the end of a single paragraph you've marched the reader completely through a pivotal character point and moved on to a family scene.
To me, this is telling, not showing. You describe a scene, the dialogue that took place during the scene, and some of the emotions. But if you showed that scene, took the reader through it step by step, it would be more powerful. If you used dialogue to demonstrate the play of emotions, it would be more effective.
i.e. "He said it would be a breath of fresh air." But the reader would be taken more immediately into the scene like so:
__ Gorx said, 'You'll be a breath of fresh air. We need someone with your intellect in command, especially after that dim-witted ape, Space.' __
Sorry for the rewrite, there, I just couldn't think of any other way to illustrate what I meant. I like that Hannah has an "outside life", that you intend to show more of her than simply her military career. I also like the rather contemporary "I wanna puppy" theme. For me, these are the things that would keep me reading, because it's a new twist on space-military sci-fi. (Granted, I don't read a whole lot of military sci-fi, so I'm speaking from a limited perspective.)
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Perfectly white teeth gleamed as he smiled, in fact everything about Space was perfect – he was bio-engineered super soldier. He had to take daily injections of a secret chemical concoction to maintain his physique. Physically he was powerful, a professional soldier through and through – sadly intelligence could not be enhanced. The repercussions of missing an injection would seriously incapacitate him. His body would slowly and painfully revert back to its initial state. Fortunately for Space, the base had an automated nurse to ensure that a dose would not be missed. His whole persona was fabricated by the government, he was an inspirational hero of the populace. His real name was John Stuart, a former sergeant of an assault force. He was truly holding a military rank and he
This is a brief introduction to Captain Space, the Dudley Doright of Space.
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited July 17, 2006).]
posted
This quite honestly, should be considered my first draft. Since my first, first draft was written 8 years ago and this version leapt at me like some hunting cat.
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