posted
I've been reading many of the posts on this forum trying to become a better writer myself...studying every comment and such. Last time I posted was three months ago, about a story taking place during WW2. I mentioned that the story was about a college kid who saw an attractive recruiting poster and adopted the notion that he must become the person in the poster to become a man. Anyhow, after months of thought, this is how I've decided to start the story. The Sgt. mentioned here is to be a main character throughout the story (I have a very detailed outline btw.) He is the personification of the poster that the POV character saw. Since I can't really say much more without ruining the story, I'll let you read on. (PS Be as brutal as you'd like. The paragraph itself is relatively new).
In an instant that closed three hours of uneventful marching, Sgt. William Bradley raised a bare fist high above the line of helmets and quickly hunkered to his knee, taking aim. With that, the squad was rendered amply quiet so that one could hear the vapor becoming snow and the adjacent Moas River beginning to freeze over before detecting our presence with ears alone. Those around me had already followed Bradley's example, taking cover behind nearby rock’s and trees, and taking aim in whichever direction they were least certain of. I on the other hand found myself standing in plain sight, and simply astonished by Bradley’s display of power. It was an asset he had earned through the trust of those he led, and at the very least his own self confidence. “beautiful,” I whispered so those around me
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 11, 2006).]
posted
In an instant that closed three hours of uneventful marching, Sgt. William Bradley raised a bare fist high above the line of helmets and quickly hunkered to his knee, taking aim.
[I had to read the first part of this sentence twice to get what you meant.]
With that, the squad was rendered amply quiet so that one could hear the vapor becoming snow and the adjacent Moas River beginning to freeze over before detecting our presence with ears alone.
[I'm confused. Who is detecting their presence?]
Those around me had already followed Bradley's example, taking cover behind nearby rock’s and trees, and taking aim in whichever direction they were least certain of. I on the other hand found myself standing in plain sight, and simply astonished by Bradley’s display of power.
[I'd leave out 'and simply' in the above sentence]
It was an asset he had earned through the trust of those he led, and at the very least his own self confidence.
[I think you should put the word 'through' after least to refer back to earned]
“beautiful,” I whispered so those around me could hear, “Simply beautiful”. It was then that I realized I was the last one standing.
posted
I found it hard to follow. I went back to see if I could figure why.
> In an instant that closed three hours of uneventful marching,
Instant closed something? Oh. I can get this, but "After three hours of uneventful marching" would be easier.
>Sgt. William Bradley raised a bare fist high above the line of helmets and quickly hunkered to his knee, taking aim.
I picture him with a fist in the air, then kneeling, then . . . ?? Why's his fist in the air? What's he aiming at, and why?
>With that, Now I get it. I'd have less confusion earlier (and thus less work in reading) if Sgt. Bradley raised a bare fist high above the line of helments to signal for silence.
>the squad was rendered amply quiet so that one could hear the vapor becoming snow You can hear vapor becoming snow? I can't imagine what that sounds like, and I don't know what world we're in any more, where this could happen.
>and the adjacent Moas River beginning to freeze over What's that sound like?
>before detecting our presence with ears alone. "Our"? Who's "us"? Who's detecting our presence? What does this have to do with the sound of snow becoming vapor?
So it's just more work. I can get it, but it's enough work I wouldn't keep reading.
posted
This is a little tough to read through smoothly. Aside from the comments already offered, I think part of the problem lies with an apparent POV shift.
If you intend this to be a first person account it starts off on the wrong foot. The first two sentences are 3rd person view. For instance, if the narrator refers to his platoon leader, it's doubtful he would refer to him as Sgt. William Bradley - this feels like an introductory construct for the reader but doesn't mesh with the POV. You can certainly come back and give the full name later, but in the context of the scene... Additionally, I think that someone who is about to come under fire would not likely be thinking "Wow, just by making a fist the sergeant has so much power." Get the reader in 1st POV by choosing an opening sentence which is clearly 1st person and you should be more successful.
posted
I agree pretty much with everything that's already been said and just wanted to add that the word "amply" bugged me. Basically it was just a word I tripped over, but I think it could be safely replaced with the word "so".
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posted
The prose seems more complicated than the scene, which was the main reason I had trouble connecting with the fragment. There are many ways it could be simplified, but the easiest would be to drop most of the modifiers and modifying phrases.
(i.e. "Three hours into the march, Sgt. Bradley signalled silence and dropped to one knee. My fellow squad members followed his lead..." etc. That's just an example to illustrate what I mean when I say you should simplify it.)
Since you start here, the reader will assume this is the first interesting thing that happened during this particular march, so you don't need words like "instant" and "uneventful." (Whenever you describe a single motion or change in action, it is pretty much assumed that it happens "instantly".)
I rather like your descriptive phrases, but they could be given more depth if you used similes or verbs to describe the sounds. (i.e. "...ice creaked on the adjacent Moas River...") Snow is always described as silent, or "pattering", or some such phrase, but for your purposes you might simply say something like, "My squad made less noise than the snowfall..."
The character you described in your introduction has a lot of potential. Will this be a straight literary fiction piece, or some other genre?
posted
It's very confusing. Some of that is because you say (and apparently mean) things that don't make a lot of sense. Really, the whole scene you're describing doesn't make much sense.
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posted
First I'd like to apologize to Kathleen Dalton Woodbury. I thought that the rules were 13 lines manuscript. That's courier new size 10 right? 1.5 inch margins? Please correct me if I'm mistaken again.
Next I'd like to thank you all for your welcomed criticism. I see now how incredibly ambiguous my writing has been to this point. All this time I was more concerned with the structure of the story than I was with the prose, which is where the true art of writing exists. Let me say that much of my previous draft was not intended to be literal. The part regarding silence was meant to emphasize how quickly the Sgt. was able to render his men quiet. I wasn't trying to say that this was a world where people are capable of hearing vapor turn to snow or the like.
Moreover, I'd like to present my new version...Here it is... _____
The conditions were not ideal for a patrol. The trees above us offered remarkably modest protection from the elements as the twelve of us marched directly into the northern wind blowing heavy snow in our faces. It felt as if every contacting flake took a little bite of my flesh. Such thoughts only worsened my already troubled state of mind. I didn’t have any clue why we were on the patrol, or what we were looking for, besides the obvious Germans. The past few days had left me so drained that I slept through the briefing. So there I was on a second hour of tedious marching and I had no clue what I was doing. And then I heard the clinking noise. “Schaffer!” I heard a loud whisper behind me. “Dropped your canteen.” __________
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited July 12, 2006).]
Courier New size 12
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 12, 2006).]
posted
I like this a lot better. I'd use a few more commas, to help organize the flow. That second sentence is a little heavy with modifiers, and might read better if you trimmed a few of them out, but I wouldn't insist such editing is necessary. I would drop the opening words of the third sentence and simply say, "Every flake took a little bite out of my flesh." I'm not sure you need the fourth sentence at all.
posted
Definitely a better rewrite. I think you have enough comments with which to continue, all I have for you is...March on, soldier.
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posted
That's sounding really good. The only nit I have is that you repeat the word 'us' in the 2nd sentence.
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posted
I want to thank you all again for your comments. Here is the near final product. My only concern is whether or not I should include a hint that this is WW2 within the first paragraph. Other than that, here is the fruit of your comments. Cheers
It wasn’t a model day for patrol. Torrential winds were hurling snow at thirty miles an hour and clouds had the sky so enclosed you could hardly tell noon from evening. And because the snow was already four inches deep, every step took the strength of two. Yeah, it was the kind of day wherein the oldest tree in the forest offered fairly modest protection. On the other hand, there’s always the chance it could’ve been worse, I suppose. I wouldn’t have minded nonetheless. I needed the chance to prove myself.
posted
Honestly, I liked the last rewrite better than this new one. This one has too much detail in some places ("thirty miles an hour") and not enough detail in others ("I needed the chance to prove myself").
This fragment seems hesitant, for lack of a better word. Modifiers like "hardly" and "fairly modest" and statements incorporating "it could've been worse" and "nonetheless" bring a lack of confidence into the piece. You kind of wander along a thought process that says, "It was a bad day. It was THIS bad. But it wasn't so bad. It could've been worse. But even if it had been worse, that wouldn't have mattered." I say, make the weather so bad that it does matter, or don't spend so much time on it. (I vote for making it matter, because I like some of your imagery.)
I do think you need to establish the setting as WWII in the first paragraph, which you had done rather seamlessly in the last rewrite.
posted
Now, I'm not very confident in this critiquing business yet so correct me if I’m doing anything wrong
I agree with Novice.
I liked the third rewrite, you did a great job of describing an ominous setting. It has a little bit more of the MC in it, the descriptions are less generic, they sound like they're coming from a real person.
There’s one thing that bothered me, you say “I needed the chance to prove myself”. Judging by the brief information you gave about the character, he’s there to become a man and during this patrol, he is looking to do just that. And that’s great, the opening goes right to the point. But it struck me as a bit obvious. I’m sure there is going to be some sort of action in the story and I believe (my uninformed me, at least) that you could show the reader the MC is looking to prove himself withoutactually spelling it out. The thought sounded a tad unnatural to me.
I loved the rest though; it’s a great improvement from the first fragment.
Nicole
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 19, 2006).]
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