posted
First 13, do your worst. Let me know if you want to read the whole thing and I'll send it on over when I'm done. Keep on Truck'n.
Michael sank into one of seven hand-stitched, ivory leather seats in the learjet cabin. The upholstery felt cool through the fresh suit he had changed into in the plane’s lavatory. He listened to the pilot go through the preflight routine. The click of suitcase latches unbuckling from behind signaled Calhoon's preparion of his treatment.
“Don’t get too comfortable, Sir. The doc’s just arrived.”
“I don’t suppose we can skip it today.” Michael loosened his tie and fumbled the top two buttons of his shirt open with one hand.
“I think that’s the first attempt at a joke I’ve heard from a piehead.” Caloon towered over him with a syringe in one hand and an alcohol soaked, cotton ball in the other.
Why did Michael change into a suit a few minutes before a medical procedure? It doesn't make sense to me.
Generally, when shots are administered by health profressionals, a sterile swab usually with iodine or one of its derivatives is used rather than alcohol on a cotton swab.
posted
Asks some interesting questions straight from the off. As petrovski says, why would he change into a fresh suit at that particular moment. Is the fresh suit an important factor in this scene?
"The upholstery felt cool through the fresh suit he had changed into in the plane’s lavatory. He listened to the pilot go through the preflight routine."
I found these two sentences a little lifeless. Again, if the fresh suit is a crucial part, then the first one's okay, but the second may benefit from being more direct (ie. "The pilot went through the preflight routine." or similar).
Again, if he's just put a fresh suit on, why would he do up his tie if he knew he was going to have to loosen it again?
An interesting start, but I think it could do with a little tightening. It might even allow you to ask more questions in the 13 lines, which should provide more of a hook.
posted
Both valid points. Thanks. I went through and addressed the issues, as well as got rid of what I thought was unnecessary/unimportant description. I think it's more interesting this way.
Michael sank into one of seven leather seats in the learjet cabin. He had changed into a dry suit in the plane’s lavatory, leaving his top three shirt buttons undone for his daily shot. The click of suitcase latches from behind signaled Calhoon's retrieval of his treatment.
“Don’t get too comfortable, Sir. The doc’s just arrived.”
“I don’t suppose we can skip it today.”
“I think that’s the first attempt at a joke I’ve heard from a piehead.” Caloon towered over him holding a syringe and iodine drenched, cotton ball in gloved hands.
“How many 'pieheads' have you watched?” Michael shrugged a shoulder out of his shirt to expose his neck.
Calhoon swabbed his carotid. “Four-including you. Two were alpha batch. The treatments fried them."
posted
Well, you fixed a few things but there are still ambiguities in the writing.
I have no idea who the first dialogue is attributed to. The only characters are Calhoon and Michael. Calhoon has the syringe later, so maybe he's the doc? If so, who says this? Is he referring to himself? - it sounds awkward if he is. This needs clarification and is easily fixed.
Sir shouldn't be capitalized and no comma after drenched. Also, unless there's a really good reason there is no need for quotes around piehead.
Without more context the comment "How many pieheads have you watched" also falls short. Why watched? maybe administered, tested, injected... I dunno
posted
I simply don't know what's happening, so I can't comment on whether it's interesting. No need to be subtle, I think. Just tell me, and then I can be hooked.
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posted
I think it would be more clear if you moved this sentence: *Caloon towered over him holding a syringe and iodine drenched, cotton ball in gloved hands.* after the first line of dialog. Otherwise the reader gets confused thinking that there is a doctor there and not just Caloon and Michael.
posted
The second is much easier to read. I think I got lost in the hand-stitched chair the first time. How about 'treated' instead of 'watched'? Or is that what the doctor is doing?
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posted
Yeah, the chair thing threw me at first, too. Any reason why mentioning there are SEVEN of them is critical? If not, the quantity is silly. After all, lear jets don't have mismatched upholstery... if one seat is covered in hand-stitched leather, I'd be really surprised to find the rest of them are covered in plaid fabric or vinyl suede.
Too much detail derails the reader's ability to sink into the story. Give enough for flavor, but not so much that it gives us a detailed inventory of the scene. I want to know more about the character's thoughts and feelings and only the bare minimum about the setting.
posted
Thanks for all your comments. Strangely enough, the changes the last few of you suggested I went through and made before reading the comments. Struggling writer's must think a like.
Thanks a truckload.
Michael stepped out of the company jet’s lavatory. He had changed into a dry suit, leaving the top three shirt buttons undone for his daily shot. Calhoon stood in the aisle at a small conference table pressing his fingers to biometric locks of a suitcase that held Michael’s treatments. Michael sidestepped past him to take a seat at the front of the cabin.
“Don’t get too comfortable, sir.” Calhoon moved in beside him holding a syringe and an iodine drenched cotton ball in gloved hands. Michael thought his bodyguard an odd site wielding such delicate tools.
“I don’t suppose we can skip it today.” Michael dug into his pocket to retrieve a piece of leather worn with teeth marks.
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