posted
Been out of writing for awhile... please comment on this half finished beginning of a story.. no title
Did i break any rules? not versed in them
Father you should not be out here at this hour , Suppose the looters come again? What then will become of the temple without you?
Leave me ! if gods still watch over this temple , I have nothing to fear , if not , I welcome death !
The acolyte was taken aback , was this a test? He should correct his master, but his mind knew doubt as well.
What reason have you to blaspheme thus? You have spent twice my years in service to the pantheon , yet you falter now ? he questioned , hesitantly .
Reason ? Leave me and take reason with you ! I have no need for it any longer
The priests words echoed through the halls , as if to magnify
***Note from 2nd assistant: The rule you broke was limiting your entry to 13 lines (as seen in the entry box, or in proper manuscript format). I've fixed that for you. While I was at it, it put blank lines between your paragraphs, since the indents you had wouldn't show up.
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited June 17, 2006).]
posted
The dialogue is a little clunky, but if you read it aloud, and it sounds fine to you, then we may just have a difference in ears.
"to feed his soul perhaps?" You asking me. How should I know, it's your story, I'm waiting for this guy to get hit by a lightening bolt.
Testing gods is tricky business, but if there are more than one God, couldn't one have forsaken the temple and the other accepted it? In ancient Greece, anybody doing anything great earned the favor of at least one God, the problem is the hero earned the emnity of the others for the same act. _____
If there is a general problem with this story, it's that the characters aren't immediately recognizable as people we know or respect. If you could do something ground them as people with more familiar concerns and worthy of our care, then I think that you would do better. This is all my opinion, in an to your question, sure, it's good, keep it up.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited June 17, 2006).]
posted
I like that you pulled us immediately into a conflict. That's good. However, you did so without setting the context in any way. That makes it a bit dificult for the reader. I would usually like to know a little, at least, of the world or scenario, before the dialogue starts.
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posted
Starting with dialogue is tricky. I found the dialogue pretty heavy, if you have no good reason to have your characters speak biblically, simplify
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited June 17, 2006).]
posted
i realise the scene needs to be described in a bit more detail ,but i like the idea of starting with dialogue and pushing the reader straight into a conflict... It starts you off with an exciting note and grabs your attention right away... It needs some work on describing the setting or this whole story will be done in a page or two ( this is my idea for opening chapter of book)
Book i want to write will be quite biblical , and religious and personal conflict will be a major topic , so i'm also introducing them to those aspects from page one.. only worry is that it may become boring after awhile , which i hope to get around by introducing the POV of different characters to the same topic , arguments , philosphy and eventual conversions and losses of faith..
One thing to keep in mind is that, as writers practicing writing, most of us try to pay careful attention to everything we write. That means, for example, that I capitalize the word "I" even when it doesn't start a sentence, and "I'm" always has the apostrophe in it. Take a look at most posts on this site--they aren't your typical internet posts where words are omitted or abreviated for speed. Oh, people write LOL on occasion, and posts are not proofread as thoroughly as something we would submit for publication--but we do the best job on the rough draft that we can.
posted
I've got to mirror some of the dialog comments already posted. It's tough to start with dialog, but I think you've done reasonably well. The issue I have is that there are times when you want to make the dialog formal, archaic or biblical and yet the tone doesn't match the words you use. The acolyte's thoughts and words do not match the priests and even the priest is inconsistent - or at least it feels that way. Pehaps you could make some deliberate attempts to make their conversation more formal or abandon it altogether. It just came across as inconsistent to me (but I've only read your wee bit).
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How should I know, it's your story, I'm waiting for this guy to get hit by a lightening bolt. 
