posted
This is my first time posting in F&F, and I just wanted to know if the story I'm working on right now is heading in a direction that will entertain the reader. Any crit at all would be much appreciated.
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James saw her for the first time just after the evening reception, the lights cast from the church's lanterns glowing pleasantly in the night. The congregation was still visible in the churchyard, the other boys playing games and wrestling. James hadn't wanted to join them; the games had stopped being as fun, hadn't been fun for some time.
So, when he met her, he was unprepared. He had wanted some quiet time, some time to think about the evening's wedding and reception. So he had wandered along his trail in the forest, the one he and Matthew traveled. Or, rather, once traveled.
"What's your name?" he asked, looking at her in the dim glow of the night's stars.
posted
Your first paragraph has a repeating pattern that kind of annoys me. Now, that is a personal nit, but you might want to think about varying the sentence structure a bit.
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posted
Only problem I have is that you're dropping mysteries on us that James knows very well, and you're not telling us. Just tell us! Why aren't the games fun? What happened to Matthew?
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posted
So that doesn't fill you with a greater sense of mystery? Perhaps it drives you to desire more information about the intricacies of the plot...?
posted
Matthew would probably be the groom. But if that's not clear (or not the case) you need to clarify that point a little.
I don't like unrefereneced pronouns in the first line as a general rule, and this isn't an exception. James is seeing her for the first time, give us his first impression of her. Or the name by which he later comes to know her. If you insist on withholding her name till the point in the narrative when James learns it, you create problems. I can see the first one at the end of your fragment, James asks for her name before you tell us anything about her.
The things that James knows which we don't are distractions from the central mystery that James is experiencing, who is this woman (and I don't just mean her name)? You need to keep us focused on that rather than letting us get confused trying to work out other things that you could just tell us.
quote:So that doesn't fill you with a greater sense of mystery? Perhaps it drives you to desire more information about the intricacies of the plot...?
Never mistake mystery for confusion.
Mystery=elements that unfold within the story to carry the plot forward.
Confusion=obscure information that is vaguely referred to but not explained with enough detail that the reader can understand the reference.
Readers want to be crystal clear about everything you tell them. If the MC understands a vague reference, make sure the connotation or metaphor is also clear to your reader.
The story line details are important now. We want to know who "she" is or at least what she looks like. Why was he unprepared? What about her was suprising? The comments about the MC hanging on the fringe of the crowd is nice but not necessary at this point. The effect is a bit choppy when you switch between the girl and the games not being "as fun." You get me hooked on the girl. Tell me more about her and his reaction to her. Then you can show that the MC is on the edge of events before he sees the mysterious she.
posted
I'm perfectly OK with James seeing "her" and us not getting her name till he knows it. Tradeoff: if he uses the name, something like, "James saw the woman he later knew as ..." then we're taken out of the moment. If he doesn't, we have to wait. Or he can get her name earlier, but I bet there's a tradeoff there too.
You might say "James saw the girl" and later we find out who she is. This is very parallel to the first line of Octavia Butler's Wild Seed: "Doro first became aware of the woman ..." Of course, we soon find out who the woman is, and she's actually the MC.
posted
Use her name, or James' mental tag for her (on the off chance that she isn't going to tell him, ever).
Remember, you're already telling things out of order by telling us James saw her for the first time before he sees her. So there isn't any reason you can't just use her name there.
Some might suggest that you should use a scrictly chronological narrative here, "James watched the wedding reception begin to break up at the end of the evening...[description of various events]...He wandered along the trail where he'd often walked [destination?] with Matthew, lost in thought. Suddenly he saw a woman/girl/horse? [location/attributes/action] in the starlight."
I think that opening with "James saw [name] for the first time just after [Matthew's] wedding reception" is good because it tells us the function of the scene right up front. We know what's going to be important from that line, so it makes reading the rest a lot easier. On the other hand, it does break chronology, and while I don't worship at that altar, chronology has certain definite POV benefits. It also makes things a bit too easy sometimes. So I'm okay with you keeping it or tossing it.
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