This piece is deliberately written in 3rd omni; I know not everyone likes that, and I know it's rare these days, but I wanted to try it anyhow. My main questions are 1) does this hook you? and 2) does this establish the 3rd omni point of view adequately and without unnecessary confusion? Naturally, any other comments are also welcome.

George the Greathearted had the most polished armor in Brittany. Madeleine the farmer’s daughter possessed even greater beauty than the three maidens locked in towers around the countryside. Thus, it should have been he who went to slay the dragon, and she who warned him of the danger. This being a fairy tale, he should have nobly ignored her warnings and gone on to perform deeds worthy of his great heart. But polish is no measure of nobility.

Madeleine met George on her way up the mountain toward the lair of the dread dragon Bigun. Behind her, she dragged the sword she had surreptitiously borrowed from above the hearth of the village chieftain. George sat beside the road, disconsolately polishing scorch marks from the steel of his greaves.

The first paragraph isn't bad, but there's just something about it that isn't working for me.

"Madeleine the farmer’s daughter possessed even greater beauty than the three maidens locked in towers around the countryside."
A bit of nit picking, but this sentence is kind of wiggling.
'Madeleine, the farmer’s daughter, possessed such an astonishing beauty that no tower-confined-and-dragon-guarded maiden could compare to.'
Or however you want to put it.

Another thing is that I can't think of any fairy tale where the hero/knight ignores the maiden when she tells him of danger. Usually she gets kidnapped somehow and he has to rescue her. A damsel in distress sort of thing. The girl in this story, from what I'm gathering, is more assertive and plans to be the Hero/Knight of this tale. But from the line about how the hero should ignore her warning is bringing about the idea that in this story the hero will listen to her warning. I'm just getting mixed messages.

"My pretty maid?"
I don't like the "my." It's very strange from a stranger to say that to a girl. Maybe just putting it as 'Where are you going, lovely maiden?' But this is just more nit picking on my part and my own personal preference.

I want to be hooked by these 13 lines, because I like where it seems to be headed. But I feel like I have to work too hard for it.

Speciically, I feel like there is a gap (I wish I could find a more precise term) between the first and second sentences. They don't seem to follow each other logically. The second sentence seems like a natural first sentence for a second paragraph to follow the paragraph discussing the Greathearted. Hope that made sense.

I like the third person omniscient viewpoint, but I agree with J; there is definitely a gap between the first and second sentences. I had to read them twice, to make sure I wasn't missing something.

B-U-T, I really like where this is going so far. I think if you give George his own paragraph, and Madeleine her own, it will be easier for the reader to grasp what's going on. Also, perhaps some sort of setting could make the whole thing seem more solid in the first paragraph? You can introduce George, who lived at the castle crowning the hill (or wherever), and then Madeleine, who lived in the village just below it... that would make some sort of connection between the two and give the reader a bridge when going from one introduction to the next.

Just a thought. Anyway, as I said, I really like where this is going so far. It definitely seems to be an interesting tale! Feel free to email it to me, if you're looking for someone to read the whole thing.

I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to figure out what it is exactly that is keeping me from diving into the story. I think it's the descriptions of these two people. Given that this is a fairy tale I don't think the characters need to be super deep, but I want something more to latch onto besides the armor and her looks. I understand that you want to set up the typical fairy tales roles of strong knight and beautiful lady. You do that, but not in a way that grabs my attention.

My suggestion for how to deal with this is to think about your tone. How are you approaching the reader? If when you're writing you start feeling lofty or superior in any way, that's generally a bad sign. I've done it before, and it has always completely backfired on me. I could be wrong, but I feel like that's the tone you're taking in these first two sentences. Does this sound right to you? If so, try starting over with a different attitude toward your work and toward the reader. (Fairy tales probably fall prey to this often since usually they tell a story with a moral, so the writer of the story sometimes accidently falls into morality mode.)

Just another comment that the second sentence feels a little garbled to me.

"Thus, it should have been he who went to slay the dragon, and she who warned him of the danger."

I *think* this might be ok if you set up the first bit properly, but I reserve judgment until I see it again.

"This being a fairy tale, he should have nobly ignored her warnings and gone on to perform deeds worthy of his great heart."

I don't like the first five words of this sentence. I feel like you're dumbing it down for me. If it hasn't entered my mind by now that this might be a fairy tale, I must not understand what a fairy tale is. In a way it sounds like more of the superior tone.

"But polish is no measure of nobility."

For now I think this is ok.

"Madeleine met George on her way up the mountain toward the lair of the dread dragon Bigun."

The problem for me here is that this really has not been set up enough. The mountain? Which mountain? When did she start climbing up the mountain? Why? Last we talked of the characters they weren't doing anything, so now I feel like I've been thrown abruptly into a setting I don't know. This really distances me from the story.

"Behind her, she dragged the sword she had surreptitiously borrowed from above the hearth of the village chieftain. George sat beside the road, disconsolately polishing scorch marks from the steel of his greaves."

I end up glossing over the rest of this paragraph because of my problems with the first sentence. But a few comments on what is here:

It's really hard to take something "surreptitiously" if it's so heavy that you have to drag it behind you. Adding in the adverb from the next sentence ("disconsolately") I feel like this bit is just too heavy with adverbs, and long ones at that.

The overall description is just too quick. I don't feel like I have a handle on anything in this paragraph.

Paragraph 2 didn't work for me. She's dragging a sword up a hill; you summarize this -- but it's remarkable and strange, and worth more time. (And maybe implausible. What does she intend to do with a weapon she can't pick up?) Or else this was just a stray thought, and it's not important, in which case it's distracting to me.

I tend to like the 3rd party omn. for story telling especially fantasy and fairy tales. So the POV doesn't bother me. I was thinking that you could tell us a bit more about the two characters by taking George's first description line and last description line and combining them. Something like:

****

George the Greathearted had the most polished armor in Brittany, but polish is no measure of nobility. It should have been he who went to slay the dragon and the maiden who warned him about the danger, but things are seldom as they should be, even in fairy tales.

Madeleine met George on her way up the mountain toward the lair of the dread dragon Bigun. Behind her, she dragged the sword she had surreptitiously borrowed from above the hearth of the village chieftain. George sat beside the road, disconsolately polishing scorch marks from the steel of his greaves.

***

While I like the image of her dragging the sword, Survior is right, I need to know why she's dragging it whether it is a lack of respect or a lack of ability. Regardless of the answer, it tells me a lot about who she is and why she's off to fight a dragon the "knight" either won't fight or just was defeated by.

Also, the dragon's name "Bigun" might be a bit too contrived.

Interesting sentence structure. It was a little confusing though. Why was polished armor a prerequisite for slaying a dragon? I would think that polished armor meant that he hadn’t used it much. Why were the three maidens locked in the towers.

Dude and kings_falcon, the story will be on its way shortly. I really appreciate the offers to read. Dude, if you'd rather just comment on it in a forum, the current version is up at Notebored in the Polished Stories forum.

Edited to say that I don't see your email address, kings_falcon.