posted
Hi everyone! This is my first time posting a fragment of my own, I look forward to getting your comments
At the moment, I'm only looking for feedback on the first 13 lines. Does it hook you? The bulk of the story is a collection of letters, would you read the letters based on this 13 line intro?
* * *
Four letters. Years of raiding the post office had yielded nothing but the mundane drivel of children, but these. . .your hands tremble as you pour two fingers of single malt scotch into a tumbler. Your heart pounds in anticipation as you return to your study. The letters are a sharp contrast to your desk, white paper on dark mahogany. Across the room, embers glow in the fireplace. How did the fire to burn out so quickly? But that doesn’t matter, not while the letters are waiting. You sink into your leather armchair and sip your scotch. The amber liquid burns your throat and sends tendrils of warmth outward from your core. You are alone, safe in your study. At long last, you begin to read.
posted
I don't like the point of view. It feels too invasive... and I can't picture myself as the character. That makes it annoying to read, and I can't help but think "Who is this person, trying to tell me how I'm supposed to act?"
If you want to use that PoV, try doing something more general, like somone walking down the street, or watching t.v. Something pretty much everyone does. I mean, I know everyone reads letters, but is the majority of letters everyone gets from little children?
posted
I have a question: are the letters in 1st person, and this intro is very brief?
The reason I ask is that 2nd person CAN be done but is most effective when used very sparingly. If the entire piece is in 2nd, you'll have a hard time getting it published. If just little connecting bits between letters are, or just the frame, you might be able to get away with it.
I personally don't mind 2nd person, but lots of people hate it.
Anyway as far as the text goes this is decent, though the second sentence is a little awkward. I like all the others, but I'd work on that bit.
You say "Years of raiding the post office had yielded nothing but the mundane drivel of children, but these . . ." This is confusing. So did the letters come from raiding the post office? If so, then you didn't just get 'nothing' you got these 4. Maybe word it a little differently to make your point clearer.
posted
I'd choose a PoV, first if it were me. I like the contrasts you make in the paper and the mahogany, but it sort of makes me feel like he/she is a pedophile.
I might start with "Dear Santa," I read as my hands trembled. Four long years I raided the Post Office.
posted
Hmmm...I suspected the second person POV might put people off the opening. It IS done sparingly--just these first 13 lines and then again for 1 paragraph at the very end. Everything else is in the form of the letters that the main character has intercepted (and yes, the letters are all in first person).
posted
2nd person doesn't bother me here. I'd like to get to the content of the letters more quickly, though. Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Consider this bit of text. OK, it's silly, but it makes the point:
quote:He was really, really excited. Totally excited, in fact. He couldn't wait. Nothing was more important.
As the rain fell, and commuters dashed to their cars, or trudged through the drizzle with the aid of umbrellas . . . he kept thinking how excited he was. A car drove by, an old Pontiac with rust peeking out from the paint. Somewhere, in the distance, a dog barked. (Description of irrelevant events continues for 3 pages.)
What is wrong with this text?
It's that we're getting emotions without knowing their basis, so we can't share them. Why is he excited? ... and then, we get details of the world, when what we really want to know is: what's the fuss?
It's the same with these letters. I don't care about the brandy. I don't care about the fire. I want to know why the letters are important, and "you" must know, or "you" wouldn't be so dead set on them. Tell us!
(And I'll have to think about what to do with the fire--it actually does turn out to be relevant later, though you'd have no way of knowing that based on what's here.)
posted
I liked the imagery in the opening and I was curious to find out why these letters were so important. I'd keep reading--but I do hope, along with autumnmuse, that the 2nd person is only temporary. I don't mind 2nd person, but it would get tiring in a long story.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
What if I just start with the first letter (the storyline mostly comes through the letters anyway, and this would get rid of the 2nd person thing)? Then the entire story would be the collection of letters, with no introduction.
[This message has been edited by RedSakana (edited February 01, 2006).]
posted
I liked the mystery created by this opening. I don't mind second person, but if it's going to be hard to get that published...
I don't think it would work very well starting off with a string of letters. That would be too detached.
Why don't you try the opening in first person, if you're worried about the marketability of second person? And give some more clues about the drinker. If it's Santa mention his hat, his clothes, maybe his transporation and elves pouring the drinks. Then I would know for sure who it was and then you could go on with him opening the letters.
posted
I like the beginning: it's unusual and made me want to read more. As long as you segue soon into the letters (which I assume are 1st person rather than 2nd), I think the beginning's fine.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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