Heres to the first 13:

The crowd that was gathering around the kings’ podium slowly grew nervous with anticipation. Standing nearest to the podium was Hans, he was no older than eighteen winters, as he had prepared himself his entire life to follow in his fathers’ footsteps to become a Dragoon, a ruthless and cunning warrior who wield a mighty lance.
Stepping into view was Ptolomens, King of Enthenia. “You have all come here for the same goal to see if you’re worthy of becoming a Dragoon.” He said, his pride dripping through in his tone of voice. “May the trials end well.”
“I will win the trials.” Hans said, trying to thrive off his own confidence. It wasn’t working.

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If anybody wants to read everything I have written so far I have only done 1200 words, so it isnt too much.

Please don't hold back on anything, PLEASE!!

quote:

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"I will do it.” Hans said to himself, trying to thrive off his own confidence. It wasn’t working.

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I stumbled over this sentence and reread it several times. It seems that if either "gathered" or "murmured" (one or the other) were in the gerund form "gathering" or "murmuring", the sentence would flow.

quote:

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I stumbled over this sentence and reread it several times. It seems that if either "gathered" or "murmured" (one or the other) were in the gerund form "gathering" or "murmuring", the sentence would flow.

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quote:

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“Many of you have come here to try and become a Dragon Knight, something as rare as this is not an opportunity that should be wasted.”

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I think your trying to give a classic "many are called, but the chosen are few" speach here and it's missing. words like "try", "something", and "would" are spoken by subjects, not KINGS :)
and did some of them come there to not be a dragon night? (many?). I know there are crowd memebers there but he isn't addressing them. Throw it down like a king talking about those seeking one of the most hororable positions in his kingdom! :)

I would also ponder if the title of Dragon Knight might be a little over used or cliche. Certainly, it sounds impressive and strong. I wouldn't be surprised to learn the ride dragons, too. I just can't shake the feeling that it might have been done a few too many times-- though I can't name any specifics right now, so it might just be me.

Possessives should be 's not s' and whenever someone speaks the sentence should be "blah blah blah," he said. He said should not be the start of the next sentence.

The second sentence is realy two or three sentences crammed into one. This needs to be split up.

I don't like the use of "Standing" and "Stepping" in those two sentances. Your sentance begins with "standing" then in mid-sentance you say "as he had prepared" it doesn't put me in Hans' POV and seems to be in the wrong tense. I am not the king of grammar, so you decide. And that second sentance is too long. I would take the first part of the second sentance and merge that with the first. Then start the second with "preparing himself..." your choice, your story.

I would suggest you re-write this and try to get inside Hans' head a bit deeper. I would also suggest that you begin a bit earlier and fill us in on what this gathering is all about. This seems like it should be at least the third or fourth paragraph in your story, not the beginning.

My opinions only, you are the constructor of this story.

#1: Final round. Anticipation building towards the final two entrants as they prepared themselves for the final battle to see who gains the honour of being accepted in the Dragon Knights, an elite band of warriors loyal to Ptolomens, King of Enthenia.
Hans stood at the ready, his body wrecked with pain. He stood there, holding the wooden pole in his hand to imitate a Dragon Knights main weapon of choice, a lance.
Hans’s opponent was large, burly with tiny blue eyes and long, greasy black hair. Standing at the read, these two have met before, each swearing victory when they met.
Hans was far younger than his opponent, but lacked the experience of fighting like his opponent, Lucas.

#2: Their weapons clashing, forcing the other to back away, Hans and Lucas readied themselves for the next opportunity to attack. Hans was far smaller than Lucas, whose thick arms and long greasy black hair intimidated the younger Hans.
Lucas on the other hand, felt no fear, but only respect for the young Hans. He was appreciative of the way he was controlling his weapon, a long wooden pole designed to look like a Dragon Knights weapon of choice, a lance.
Hans was feeling the confidence swell inside of him, knowing he had a chance to win. “Victory, and the ultimate prize are mine.” He said, realising his dreams for the opportunity in front of him.
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I'm adament with this story as I just have this feeling that it could be one of the best, if not the best, I have written.

On #1: I don't think you need to use 'Final round'. It would work without it. You also have a typo (read, instead of ready). Anticipation was building towards what? I'd say just use 'a fever pitch'. That would clean that up a bit.

On #2: I like getting into the action. There isn't too much that jumps out at me, but I think 'realising' is misspelled. Realizing, but that might be a difference between American English and British English. (Not too sure).

But I like them both, big improvements.
Keep up the good job.

And of course, it's only my opinion.

#1: A typo is usally something I still get, I'm not that good of a typer plus my handwriting is really messed up. But thanks for pointing it out

#2: I'm Australian so we use the British English so realising is spelt with a S rather than a Z.

But this is not the case in the #2. I was really hooked by the action and thought the imagery was good. My only complaint (and this is may be explained later in the story) with this first 13 was the part that said Hans was intimidated by the long greasy hair. I can understand that your trying to squeeze in some descriptive information, but why would someone be intimidated by hair? I find this to be especially odd because before that you also tell the reader that the arms on this man are intimidating, something which genuinely would be. I guess that part just bothered me a little. But really I liked this first 13.

Could you e-mail the rest of what you have so far? I'd like to read it and see how things are going so far. My address is metal_matt30@hotmail.com

Cheers

#1 of your second batch has the same run-on sentence problem your original had. I just can't engage when I have to hold that much in my head before a period. You may proceed to throw stones at my glass house anytime you like, btw. I fall prey to runons all the time. It's hard. Kill the "Final round." definitely and then break the next sentence down a bit. For instance:

quote:

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Anticipation mounted as the final two entrants prepared themselves. The final battle would determine which would gain the honour of being accepted in the Dragon Knights, an elite band of warriors loyal to Ptolomens, King of Enthenia.

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Then the next sentence has a typo - Hans' body is not "wrecked" with pain, but "wracked" with pain, right? Give him some courage by having him stand there DESPITE his body being wracked with pain and I'll care more that he has pain at all.

I don't mind the greasy black hair bit in ver #1 though I see the point others have made and saw your note, not "getting" it. The rationale is this: greasy = dirty or unclean and heroes are "clean" whereas villians or not so perfect heroes may allow themselves to become dirty or unclean enough that their hair is greasy. It's a visual cue for a totally irrational opinion. But you are writing to humans in the real world where we see hair that has an "unnaturally" or "unclean" texture as being dirty and therefore "bad."

Hans is "standing at the ready" not "at the read" (someone else caught that one, I think) In contrast to everyone else, I like ver #1 better BUT I am unclear if I am supposed to think Hans is the MC or not. He appears to be but I do get the sense I'm not sure he should.

In ver #2 the action is good but I have a severe disorientation b/c I feel as though you are jumping back and forth on the POV char. Is it just me? Doesn't anyone else see it? Kind of like tossing the pole from hand to hand, Hans and Lucas take turns preparing to strike. Definitely left me "unattached" to either one of them.

Would I read on? Maybe. I don't like fantasy, generally, because it's usually too heavy-handed or cutsie or just trying too hard. Yours clearly is medieval-ish but unless you tell me otherwise, the SF writer/reader in me is waiting for there to be a twist and for this NOT to be medieval Earth - could it be somewhere else? :-) Please? THEN I'd read on, definitely!

*chuckle*

No, only kidding. I might read on, since this is a novel, and give you more of a chance to hook me more firmly. I'm vaguely interested at this point, more from #1 than #2.