posted
Hello, I would like any kind of feedback on this, as I have replaced Zeta Reticuli.
The scorching sun sucked dry the already dehydrated desert. After three weeks, they had discovered only a hint of grey of the object most supposed to be extraterrestrial descent. It was most surprising, but contact had been made once before, resulting in the Garkan War. Since then, extraterrestrial intelligence and life was accepted by virtually all, save those who believed it was a conspiracy. The War ended with the destruction of the Garkan Home World, and the capture of the last few. This led to a boost in human technology. But now, they were unveiling was would hopefully be evidence of the second intelligence in the universe other then man’s and Garkan’s.
Also, this is really all that is written. Future readers would be appreciated though.
posted
zetars, you've been posting a lot of shorts in F&F, but I'm not seeing where you've been offering others critiques, too. Keep a healthy balance between taking and giving.
I'm personally not someone who enjoys critiquing a multitude of short off-handed snippets. I'm more willing to offer a critique if you take these stories to completion. Try to finish one of them up. A short story can be 1000 words, or 2000. You don't want to develop a fear of finishing. When you get something longer written... and finished... let us know by posting the first 13 and asking for a full crit. But in the meantime, it would be great to see you contributing by offering crits to others.
quote:The scorching sun sucked dry the already dehydrated desert.
If it's already dehydrated how can the sun suck it dry? Also, this sentence is way too artsy. Too much superfluous information. Please tell me when a sun isn't scortching. I mean, it's the freaking sun! It's like saying 'cold snow.'
quote:After three weeks, they had discovered only a hint of grey of the object most supposed to be extraterrestrial descent.
Aside from this sentence missing some words, and not making sense, who are the "They" you refer to? We never hear from them again.
quote:It was most surprising, but contact had been made once before, resulting in the Garkan War.
Much too much. Aside from not knowing who's telling this story, since you never establish a POV, how do we known this information is accurate? Aside from that, this information is also largely unessesary, and also hardcore telling.
It's too soon for expostion, espescially exposition so blatant.
quote:Since then, extraterrestrial intelligence and life was accepted by virtually all, save those who believed it was a conspiracy. The War ended with the destruction of the Garkan Home World, and the capture of the last few. This led to a boost in human technology. But now, they were unveiling was would hopefully be evidence of the second intelligence in the universe other then man’s and Garkan’s.
I read the first sentence of this chuck and saw it's just a history lesson, so I skipped it. This is a huge mistake, telling us minutiae about a world we know nothing and care nothing about. Tell us about it through a character's eyes.
Where are the characters? Where is the story? All I see is exposition and an encyclopedia entry.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited November 16, 2005).]
posted
How could defeating the Garkan lead to a burst in technology? If they were more advanced how did we win? If you're not going to explain such details don't put them in. It leads the reader away from where you want them to go.
Also I second the thought that you seem to want people to give you critiques while you are not prepared to give others critiques. You'll learn a lot faster if you start critiquing stories; that is of you're here to learn and not just looking for praise.
posted
Your opening line has too much alliteration which to my mind makes it sound a bit like a cheesy tabloid headline. And I had to re-read your second sentence several times before it made sense, and by then I had lost interest.
Maybe you could introduce a character and relay the information about the war and such by the effects it had on him/her. Same goes for any hopes and fears they had about finding another intelligent life form.
Just a few pointers - hope you don't think I've been too harsh.
posted
After thorough research I have determined that after posting 12 of his own first 13, zetars has in fact, responded once to another persons thread to say that he liked it and to send him the whole 112 word story.
posted
zetars, you are new, so it's understandable if you didn't pick up on an important facet of life here on Hatrack. That is we expect you to contribute by critiquing other writers. In my opinion, the ratio of critiquing vs being critiqued should be about 10/1. There are two reasons for this. The first reason is that YOU will learn much more about writing by critiquing other people. That sounds odd, but trust me, it's true. When you see the errors others make, it's easier to see similar errors in your own work. Second reason is one of pure economics. By giving crits to other people, you build good will, you forge networks and relationships, you put yourself in position to join a Hatrack group, which is where the real work happens.
Invest in your future by giving critiques to others.
posted
either that or he only posts late at night, doesnt even read the feedback he is given, or he signed up under a different username with a new email addy.
given the passion that he debated with critiquers of his work, It'd be a shame to lose him if he can put that much effort into critiquing others.
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