posted
This is a 2000-word fantasy story tentatively titled "The Treasure of Avan." I would welcome comments on either these opening lines or the whole thing.
Thanks!
The bodies on the Ramshead battlefield were still warm when Old Alice came. Healers made the holy sign as she passed. Even the scavengers looting the dead scurried out of Alice’s way, not willing to risk her attention no matter what the reward. “You’ll find plenty to satisfy you later, you vultures,” Alice cackled. “I’m not here for rings and trinkets.”
She picked her way through the bodies, peering into the stunned and disbelieving faces of the dead. The defending Lymen and invading Uskars lay side by side now, their limbs intertwined like lovers. “Both equally worthless to me, poor sods,” Alice muttered.
posted
I sort of like it. I'll venture to nit-pick one thing, "limbs intertwined like lovers" refers to two bodies, not to an entire battlefield full of bodies. In that context it gave me the image of the bodies sort of being woven together into a single fabric, like army ants making a structure. Say "often clasped in a desperate last embrace, one with the other" or something like that.
posted
Personally, I quite liked "limbs intertwined like lovers" but that could just be me.
I think it's really good. The only issue I have is the overuse of the word Alice. The pronoun 'her' could probably be slotted in in a couple of places.
posted
I don't have time for a full crit right now, but I like what I see so far. I agree with Survivor about the "lovers" bit -- it gave me the image of two soldiers lying together, rather than two groups of soldiers. I think part of what you are doing is juxtaposing the battlefield conflict with the equality of death -- that there is no separation of one side from the other when it is all over.
Perhaps something like this work:
"...their limbs intertwined in an orgy of death..."
posted
Oops! Rereading it, I see that I didn't specify that they were human scavengers. Should I say "Even the human scavengers" etc, or is there a more subtle way to convey that?
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Non-human scavengers don't "loot" the dead, they eat the dead. Using "looting" is fine, it is a fairly specific activity.
On the "limbs entwined like lovers" bit, I'm thinking that it's a battle fought with melee weapons, which means that frequently (though by no means universally) two people both died while grappling with each other. That happens. And in death it would look like an embrace. But I just felt there was a mismatch between "lovers"--of which there should only be two for the image to work--and "defending Lymen and invading Uskars" which implies at least four
Also, I think the "limbs entwined" thing is a bit lazy and cliche. There are certain (soft) fighting techniques that could be thus described, but....
posted
Regarding the "scavengers looting", I had no confusion with the way you have it. Probably for the exact reason Survivor stated: scavenger animals don't loot the dead.
Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Yeah, same comments. I didn't have a problem with the scavengers either, for the same reason. I'll read if you're not in a hurry for a crit (still no Internet at home, and I'm typing this from my school campus, which is open only on school hours. And during most of these hours I happen to have courses ).
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
This is an enjoyable opening. I can almost see Old Alice hunting among the dead. Maybe ramp up the atmosphere, though--smells? sounds?
Posts: 245 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I like it! I also like the "entwined lovers" bit. I've never read anything that uses a description quite like it.
However, the name Alice through me. I think that Carrol has a lock-down on that name, and most people automatically think of a blonde girl chasing a rabbit (as was mentioned).
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