posted
Later I will post fragments of some of my genre stories but in the meantime I thought I'd offer this general fiction piece, as I believe it's one of my strongest stories. Perhaps a bit cheeky of me to post this as I've only critiqued one person's story so far on this forum, but as I'm new I'm busy reading the four guidelines Kathleen posted and promise to critique a lot more very soon - after all, that's why we're here! * * * * * * * * EDIT - PLEASE SEE BELOW FOR REVISED OPENING * * * * * * * *
It is night, I am lying awake with my wife beside me and I cannot sleep and I am thinking…
… of driving down the interstate, wipers on full and through the heavy rain the world outside is a blur, endlessly evolving, dissolving. You began this journey with your heart in your mouth and cold sweat covering your entire body, the interior of the car as chilly as a Greyhound with the air-conditioning turned up way too high. Now, you think… heart still doing its nervous little dance, like a kid on his first date and yet… strangely… you feel calm. It’s time, yes, but you know you’re gonna go through with it anyway.
* * * * * * * *
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited September 02, 2005).]
sorry for the confusion! This is - maybe - a straight revenge story which switches between what the character would like to do (the first 13 lines)and what he actually does. It involves a sister and her memories of her brother... and how her husband handles those memories.
If someone doesn't know what's going on -- the fix should be in the text of the story.
It's commonly said that if you do an immediate flashback, you started your story in the wrong place. What if you were to start on the highway? Might be worth trying.
About the driving paragraph: I love the imagery and the tension, but I don't know WHY he's feeling what he's feeling. Tell us up front! Then we'll be able to feel the tension too.
posted
I try to avoid immediate flash-backs, myself. I either start the story in the earlier time or write a prologue that explains the events the reader couldn't possibly know about up to the beginning of the story itself.
Sometimes there's just an information dump needed, and that works best in a prologue. David Eddings used it a lot to his advantage during the Belgariad and the Mallorean. Card never needed it, because you found out the information as you read the book.
Both are valid methods, to my mind. A lot of writing comes from making a story a reader would like to read, but not so bland and generic that they can't sort it out from the usually thousands of other stories they've read.
I think, though, I'd keep the POV first person past-tense, instead of first person present/future tense. The first person present tense, even in narrative, always seems to be off-putting to the reader.
posted
Well, isn't the story switching between where the main character is and where he wants to be? I don't think we should view it as a flashback, because it's not flashing back to anything that really happened, if my understanding is correct. What I do think you should do, just considering this opening, is extending the description of what the character is doing in reality. How it's written now just seems too abrupt.
I will read and critique the full story for you soon, but right now I'm in the middle of packing.
posted
Thanks wbriggs and JRune for your comments. As Valtam has rightly deduced this opening isn't a flashback - he's merely thinking of what he would like to do.
As to the tense, it was originally written from an 'I' point of view. But there was something about it that didn't grab me, so I changed it to 'you', although only this opening scene - a dream-sequence, wish-fulfilment fantasy - is told in this manner. The rest of the narrative it related in a standard first-person, past tense.
I choose to open the story in this way precisely because I wanted to jump straight in, without any preamble; however, as yourselves and Swimming Bird have pointed out this may be confusing and off-putting. I'll have to think on this... although this still feels like the right place to start.
The original draft did not contain the first line, where I describe the character in bed... it simply dived straight in. I only added it later as a sign-post to readers that what was coming up wasn't happening in reality. I think, perhaps, Valtam is right though and I should extend that opening line a little and hint at what it is that's causing the character's tension.
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited August 29, 2005).]
posted
The dream-sequence is grabbing and well-written, but the second-person is off-putting. The sudden, unconventional, and purposeless transition really throws the reader off the back of the bus. At least it threw me off the back of the bus.
It would make a lot more sense to me if it were either a)in the first person, or b)trying to explain to someone how he felt--or even if he were imagining explaining to someone how he felt. "It feels like when you X and Y and Z . . ."
posted
I like what you're trying to do here. I think the reason why the switch to second person didn't work for me is that the paragraph begins in first person--its opening line is a follow on from the last line of the previous paragraph. So the switch happens not at the beginning, but in the second line, which is confusing.
Unless you feel very confident about handling second person, I'd be tempted to ditch it in favour of third. Then the switch could work like this:
It is night, I am lying awake with my wife beside me and I cannot sleep and I am thinking…
… of a man driving down the interstate, wipers on full and through the heavy rain the world outside is a blur, endlessly evolving, dissolving.
posted
Ah, excellent! Thank you for that Buffy; I never thought of that angle.
As per Valtam's suggestion I've expanded the opening line so as readers have at least some impression of what might be going on at this early stage. Let me know if you think this works:
* * * * * * * * REVISED OPENING * * * * * * * *
It's night, I'm lying beside my wife, only I can't sleep for thinking of the revelation she revealed earlier. What are you upset for? It didn't happen to you No, but it happened to someone I know... it happened to you. Well, it was a long time ago. But that was your brother! She merely shrugged. The more I dwelled on it the madder I got, and the angrier I became the more I thought about what I would like to do.
And so eventually sleep came and I dreamed...
... of a man driving down the interstate, wipers on full and through the heavy rain the world outside is a blur, endlessly evolving, dissolving.
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