posted
I just wanted opinions on that beginning. The final story is still being written, but I'm not sure I start in the right place. Thanks in advance. # After Shasani left us, no other hermit came to the fortress of Lhira. On Lord Rakhte's orders, I carved the patterns of cobras and elephant tusks into the gates, to deny them entrance. But my wards were weak, and decayed even further.
And now there he was, in my workshop. Waiting for me. We faced each other in silence for a while.
His face, framed by a shock of snow-white hair, was covered with a fine network of wrinkles, and veins stood on the back of his hands. I knew he had been born after me. Contacts with the gods aged hermits.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"Answers, Master Yarek." He fingered one of my carvings, a whitewood lotus flower, to drive away diseases. "I want to know what happened to her."
"I have no idea what you are talking about," I said, as coldly as I could. Of course I knew. Shasani had taken on a student before she came to Lhira, and now he was demanding explanations.
posted
I'm fairly impressed, and mildly hooked. (I say mildly because I'm not SURE I'll be interested in "her" disappearance -- maybe drop a hint if it's interesting -- but I may be.)
My only gripe is that the visiting hermit is called "he" -- the narrator knows him, so let's have it.
What I was impressed by was how you kept putting in background info in a way that didn't slow the story down.
I couldn't say if this is the right place to start, but it seems ok to me.
posted
It's atmospheric, and I don't see it as the wrong place to start so far. However, a couple of points;
Yarek says "after Shasani left us, no other hermit came to the fortreess of Lhira" - but the visitor is a hermit, so clearly this is not quite true. Perhaps you need to be a bit more precise - perhaps "came to study at the fortress of Lhira" (or whatever it is that Shasani came to do). It also seems odd to say that no other hermits came and then say the wards were weak - how would Yarek know they were weak, if no other hermits came (until this one)?
It also takes a couple of readings before it becomes clear that the visitor is Shasani's student. Perhaps that's because he's protrayed as looking old, and being a hermit; it's not immediately obvious to connect these with the connotations that "student" has.
But it's an interesting beginning; nice names and some intriguing hints about milieu.
posted
Not knowing what you intend to accomplish with the story, I can't really tell if you started in the right place.
But, these are the questions I have brewing in my mind after reading your opener:
1. What happened to Shasani? 2. Why was Shasani a hermit? (Also, since hermits are usually men, I initially thought Shasani was a male and encountered a bit of confusion when I read "Shasani had taken on a student before she came to Lhira...") 3. Who is this hermit? 4. How does Master Yarek's power work? 5. Why is his power decaying? 6. Why is this fortress important?
Most of these questions are rooted in the POV character's past, so to address them, it sounds like you are going to have to flashback. You probably did start in the wrong place if you intend to start a flashback so soon.
Nonetheless, it's an elegant opener. Well written and easy to understand. Sounds like quality writing to me. I would probably read on even if it did go into a flashback.
posted
The confusion over the identity of the visitor really throws this whole opening off. You use the pronoun "he" to introduce this character which doesn't refer to any person you previously mentioned. Why not just introduce the visitor as Shasani's student from the beginning? "And now Shasani's student had arrived and was waiting in my workshop." This would clear up the confusion.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Very nice! I love the mood. You draw us into it right away. I'll take a stab at it.
The "he" everybodies asking about is Shasani, right? He's come back, is what I'm getting. The "he" connects to the first sentence--that's the first impression I had, anyway. It's been a long morning though. I could be all wrong.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited June 22, 2005).]
posted
Mmm obviously everyone is confused as to who is who. Will rewrite. For info: Shasani is a "she", and the visitor (male) is her student. wbriggs, although the visitor knows the narrator's name, the narrator knows nothing about him beyond the fact that he is a hermit.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I could be all wrong.
