posted
Hi, I'm kind of worried that this isn't hooking enough for a beginning but it's important that I have a beginning at elast resembling this in order for the rest of the story to make sense so do you guys think this is good or what? A few sentences later, some action does take place but it needs a scene like this before. Any (and I do mean ANY) feedback is always appreciated.
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Aria kicked off the ground, humming her song louder and louder as she went higher ad higher. The seven-year-old felt like she could reach out and touch the sky now, with the wind in her hair and the sun on her face. The neighbors were hosting a barbecue party outside and she could hear the other children laughing and screaming with delight. The smell of the hamburgers washed over her and she stopped signing. She felt very sad all of a sudden, knowing that she could never be a part of that world. As she watched them, tears threatened to spill over her cheeks and she moved closer to the fence, placing her tiny hands on the hard-wire. She tightened and released her grip until finally, a small boy came to a sudden halt, causing the young girl behind him to crash into his back. Neither of the pair fell over and the blond girl turned to stare in the same direction as her friend. Her blue eyes widened in fear and she turned away but the boy did not, preferring to alert the others of her silent presence,
"Hey," he called out," that scary girl has come to stare at us again! Go away, red-eyes, you're scaring everyone!"
Aria kicked off the ground, humming her song louder and louder as she went higher aNd higher. [The seven-year-old]SHE [Why the replacement? My reaction was: 7-year-old? What 7-year-old?] [felt like she could reach out and touch the sky now, with the wind in her hair and the sun on her face.] [I find it hard to believe anybody feels like she can touch the sky, unless she's delirious.] The neighbors were hosting a barbecue party outside and she could hear the other children laughing and screaming with delight. [PARAGRAPH] The smell of the hamburgers washed over her and she stopped signing. She felt very sad [all of a sudden] SUDDENLY, knowing that she could never be a part of that world. [Why not? Tell us -- or reduce the thought to "she wasn't invited." I don't like it when the POV character keeps secrets from me.] As she watched them, tears threatened to spill over her cheeks and she moved closer to the fence, placing her tiny hands on the hard-wire [what's hard-wire?]. She tightened and released her grip until finally, a small boy came to a sudden halt, causing the young girl behind him to crash into his back. [Neither of the pair fell over and] the [blond] girl [If you change identifiers, I end up unsure if it's the same girl] turned to stare in the same direction as her friend. [What direction was that?] Her [blue] eyes widened in fear [I doubt Anna would be thinking about the girl's eye color] and she turned away but the boy did not, [preferring to] alertING the others TO[of] her silent presence[,].
"Hey," he called out," that scary girl has come to stare at us again! Go away, red-eyes, you're scaring everyone!"
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I'm hooked. I want to know why she's scary (the flying?), what the impact on the adult community is (they must know about the flying!), and why she can't play with the others . . . and I care about what she's feeling.
posted
I think the story sounds interesting, but that opening paragraph did nothing to hook me. I think it was too dense, too unrooted, for it to actually grip me emotionally and it seemed like that's what you were trying for.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Oh, another thing: I hate the title -- unless a songbook does turn out to be pivotal in the tale. There are certain words that I think are often used to evoke emotion w/o sound justification (song, poet, tears, dance, crystal), and when I read these words in a title, I want assurance that that's not what's happening here.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
wbriggs- Wow, that was detailed, thanks for taking the time to go through it. I couldn't put in why Aria can't play with the others because of the line restriction, I think about three lines later all that gets explained because someone else comes into the scene and she has to explain it. I also wanted to put in her age because in the next chapter it jumps to when she's fifteen but I suppose since it's not vital to the plot it could be taken out. I figured I would get at least one person to point out the title but the Book of Songs is an actual item in the story that the POV character has to find.
Rahl22- Yes, but like I explained in my comments to wbriggs, three lines later something happens. My first chapter is really more of a prologue to show how my two main characters meet so there's not a huge amount taking place.
NewsBys- She was actually on a swing in her backyard.
posted
So, this is like a prologue? Is is really necessary?
Here's the thing. From what you say, the main body of the story happens eight years after this indicent, right? And this incident is mostly important because she meets somebody and gets a chance to explain (in seven year old terminology, yet) about her condition?
The text you have here isn't bad, though there are a few minor glitches. But you're telling us that this isn't really part of the story you're trying to tell, it's just the story of a time when she explained something about herself which you want us to know about this character. That's probably a mistaken notion. Of itself, it's mistaken. Showing us that she has some kind of albinism or something is very different from showing her telling about her condition. And it's also mistaken because a lot of the stuff you're showing us is contrary to the story you're trying to tell. You've shown us that the MC is a seven year old who plays by herself in an ill defined way and scares other children. Perhaps some of that is true for the story you're telling, but most of it belongs to the past.
I've always just got to use italics
[This message has been edited by Survivor (edited June 04, 2005).]
posted
Here's my suggestion: If the main story takes place eight years later and these details are absolutely vital to your story, why not incorporate them as flashbacks?
If these details about the MC when she was seven are not important, however (meaning that they don't really do much to advance the plot or develop the character), then I would just leave them out. Some of the details you've written could be said during the main story rather than in this prologue (the fact that other children were frightened of the MC). She could breifly mention that to another character rather than having it all said in this prologue.
As a sidenote: I have no idea if I made any sense there. :?
posted
Yes, I think I might use flashbacks, actually. Thanks for the help you guys, I have a completely new beginning in mind now, one that I think works much better with the story and is more of a hooker.
Thanks again for the comments/suggestions, they were greatly appreciated.
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I've always just got to use italics 
