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I need readers for this sci-fi flash story, about 950 words. Thanks.
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Jen heard the door slide itself open, that distinct sound of air compressing and decompressing. She tried to drift back to sleep, but, within a few seconds, she felt the drug expand on her forehead. Immediately she became lucid and aware of the male nurse who towered over her, a smug grin on his face.
“Why must you torment me?” she whispered, trying to remove the acrid odor from her nostrils.
“What makes you think we’re tormenting you? We’re just trying to help,” the nurse explained. “It’s not every day we get someone like you in here, and, willing or not, you’re staying until you’re fixed.”
posted
I've already got problems, so I'll report them.
* I don't know what it sounds like when air compresses & decompresses. (I don't think it has a sound.) * I don't know what it means for a drug to expand on someone's forehead. A capsule? A pill? Why would it be on her forehead, and why would it expand? If it's a metaphor, I don't know what it's a metaphor for. * What acrid odor? * Why does she think he's tormenting her? * Does she know what's special about her, or what's to be "fixed"? If not, I want her to wonder. If so, I want to know, too. * You've apparently got "the nurse's job being done" as a modifier of Jen or Jen's watching. It seems strange to me. "The nurse left" would work as well, I think.
posted
I think that meant the pnuematics that drive the door mechanism. But I can't really argue against any of the other criticisms.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I would like to see what direction you have gone with this. If you need someone to look at the whole thing, let me know.
Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Emailing it to you, Robyn. Thanks for the comments, wbriggs and Survivor. What looks good to me can easily be torn apart by others. :>
Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2005
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