posted
(Edited to incorporate some changes) This fragment is to gauge interest in a read of the first five chapters of a novel (which is about 40 chapters total). But I feel the first 5 chapters are ready for critique by someone other than myself and persons attached to me by blood, obligation or affection.
The genre is psychological fiction.
Chapter 1
When I registered for an evening Oriental Ink Painting class, I didn’t take into account the shortening days. By November, it was getting to be dark at night when I walked home and I was anxious about my safety. I pulled my 4” butterfly knife from the small pocket on my trusty red backpack from the first Reagan administration and flipped the latch. I freed the blade with a “puppy kill” motion. It was the only move I knew, but I executed it well. Then I folded my left hand around the blade and walked along. Then I was able to relax a bit and enjoy the view of the Oquirrh mountains with the ribbon of the Great Salt Lake reflecting the sunset.
Someone could probably tell I was holding my hands in an unnatural way, and if it made a potential rapist think I had a weapon, so much the better. If not, an attacker would at least leave diploid DNA evidence. We had learned a bit about DNA evidence in Intro to Biology, how the progeny ascribed to Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings could as likely come from a couple of his male relatives.
On the one hand, I disliked revisionist historians that cast Jefferson as a pot-smoking, free-loving liberal. Though in reality, the man had invented fraternities like the one my boyfriend Evan was in at University of Virginia. I had asked him last year when he joined what the point was if not to get really wasted all the time. He said they also donated money to charity. It seemed to me they donated a lot of money to the local purveyor of Wild Turkey.
[This message has been edited by franc li (edited May 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by franc li (edited June 03, 2005).]
posted
My first reaction is that, other than a very few awkward constructions, the prose is handled smoothly. But I have no idea what your intentions are. This seems to be incredibly... meandering. Pick one thing to open with and concentrate on that.
posted
I would keep reading for a while, but his is only because I like butterfly knives.
I'm not really sure where this is going; the structure seems very vague, almost to the point of stream of thought. The digression to Jefferson seems odd.
posted
I also thought it was smooth and competent and the details were interesting, but I'm not sure what's up. This is forgiveable, except that I'm not hooked: someone's walking home from class, thinking about being mugged but not being mugged, and her thoughts are wandering. Nothing there to hook me.
Specific issues: * I didn't get until the boyfriend reference that the narrator is female * I don't know what a butterfly knife is * I don't get why the backpack is trusty * I don't know what a "puppy kill" motion is * I don't know why the attacker would leave DNA evidence (OK, maybe it'll be blood, but maybe it'll be hers! knife fights are dangerous!), or what diploid has to do with it, or how a DNA test for a mugger relates to testing for Jeffersonian ancestry * pot-smoking, free-loving -- hyphens needed
posted
Oh, and in retrospect, I have a feeling that you don't need to be writing in first person. I'd be willing to bet (though I could be wrong) that it will end up harming your intentions in the long run.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
It's autobiographical fiction. So it does need to be in first person. By the way, I'm cheating on this one and using my inside knowledge of the subject and this period in her life
While technically it's probably a coin-toss, for purposes of establishing scene the first line definitely needs to be in past perfect, "I'd" and "hadn't taken". Also, "into account" can be moved to the end of the sentence to make it read smoother (that's just my opinion).
You don't say that there is anything good about new texture brought out by the fading light, so the "but" seems a bit awkward.
"I pulled my..." is just the wrong voice somehow. It begins to sound like typical first person running narrative rather than an autobiographical account. "4” butterfly knife" has a similar and more generic difficulty. And the next sentence begins with "I" as well, which sort of highlights the problem. Because this is autobiographical narrative (even though the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent), you can and should just use exposition rather than trying to reveal things through action. Again, cheating by means of my knowledge of your motives...
"Safety wasn't the reason I'd started carrying around a 4" butterfly knife [it was more to...], but since I had it with me, I pulled it out...."
This kind of exposition reads smoother in a First Person account anyway, and it lets the reader know something important that was confusing to some people last time you brought this up, namely, you weren't carrying it in the first place because you thought it would be a good way to protect yourself or anything like that.
Also, you lapse into exposition anyway after you use the "puppy kill". Highlighting that as exposition and giving it more context could also be good.
Two (or more) consecutive sentences starting with "Then" are always to be avoided.
I should get in on that "blood/obligation/affection" clause and pre-read this to make sure you're not saying bad things about me in your book. I'll get around to it when I'm over there sometime.
posted
I haven't actually crafted the first 13 to be my first 13. If I did that, I might never get around to posting it. I know I should do it eventually. I mean, if the novel is a house, I would equate the first 13 to making sure the lawn looks nice. And I wouldn't worry too much, Survivor, you wouldn't believe how much you have to leave out to compress 8 years into 200 pages.
P.S. The hard copy at your nearest sibling's house is the current one, though it is missing pp. 29-33.
P.P.S. I made some changes, using the trusty red backpack to give a time setting (possibly, I'll see how it strikes people) and indicating that the particular type of attack I was concerned about is rape. I assume this will give an earlier hint at my gender and resolve why I was pondering diploid DNA and the affairs of Thomas Jefferson.
As for the meandering, I'll think a bit more about what the first 13 says about where my story is going. Is it a mistake to assume that since I am locating myself in Salt Lake people will assume I'm Mormon or at least know some Mormons?
[This message has been edited by franc li (edited May 30, 2005).]
posted
Oh, just by the by, your musing about diploid DNA was misguided (though of course you apparently didn't know it at the time). Using current techniques, semen and blood DNA signatures would be identical (and presumably future techniques will be able to reconstruct the diploid from semen just as easily as from blood). It's only when the DNA is taken from progeny that it is reduced to haploid. That might be one reason why some people were confused about what you were saying.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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quote:When I registered for an evening Oriental Ink Painting, I didn’t take into account the shortening days.
I can't tell you how much this confused me. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer on the best of days, but I had no idea you were referring to a class or course. I thought maybe the MC had commissioned an oriental ink painting that depicted an evening scene and the rest of the line made no sense at all!
Either this story takes place in the past or this person is an older student(or is carrying a backpack from kindergarten), because that poor backpack is over 20 years old. I'm guessing that Regan is important to the MC in some way, because I don't believe it's natural to think of a personal possession as dating back to the term of a president.
I wouldn't count on the reader making an association between the Great Salt Lake and Mormons. If the MC is a Mormon and that's important to the story, I'd be specific about it. I wouldn't even trust the readers geographic knowledge so far as assuming they know that the lake is located in Utah.
I really didn't mind the meandering thoughts, since I tend to meander like that myself. Drives my husband nuts, I can tell you!
posted
I was confused, but also hooked by the first sentence.
quote:When I registered for an evening Oriental Ink Painting, I didn’t take into account the shortening days.
I didn't get it until later that it was a class. It almost sounded like the character registered to have an Oriental Ink Painting done by an artist. I was hooked by this because I wanted to see how the painting was important to the story. So - I was hopelessly off track and expecting a story about a painting.
Maybe you could you drop the name of the class to clarify it and keep me (numbskull that I am) from "hooking" on the wrong detail?
So maybe - "When I registered for an evening class, I didn’t take into account the shortening days."
Then the emphasis would be on the fact that it is a late class and that is the real problem/worry. Still a good hook.
posted
Floating article fixed. So much for "ready for prime time" eh?
I guess I see your point about the DNA evidence, Survivor, as both fluids have cells with other stuff in them. I mean, spermatazoa are diploid but hematocytes are anuclear. So I guess I could have the character realize this.
I appreciate the vote of confidence, Newsbys, but I'm going to go with the 4 out of 5 dentists and choose a different point to start this story.
[This message has been edited by franc li (edited June 03, 2005).]
posted
Well, moving the beginning is turning out to be more problematic than I thought. I thought of possibly drawing on the journals I've kept since I was 13 to help me out, but I can't find the relevant one. And it's not like they should be scattered, I keep them all in a box. Yeah, it's odd that I don't remember exactly what happened in my own life, but then that segment of my life was particularly confusing. I didn't know what was happening while it was going on.
Posts: 366 | Registered: Sep 2006
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