Anyway, I hope you enjoy the excerpt/whole WIP (if you choose to read the entire story in its current form).

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"Essence of Life"

Alec grimaced as he sipped his red ale, unable to enjoy the bittersweet draught. He could feel the presence of enemies throughout the tavern...sensed them watching him. How they knew his identity he could not guess, as he had made no move against the criminals in this town or displayed his abilities in any way. The Fallen must have sent a seer to infiltrate the region. Their common minions would not have recognized him if it were otherwise. He took another swig of his ale, wishing he had the time to savor it; he had not tasted true Harthian Red in years. As he readied himself for action he sensed the danger swelling like a wave on the sea. In moments it would crash down on him like violent surf striking the shore.

He wore no sword, for such a tool was not needed by a man of his unusual skills. A long hunting knife on his belt was the only obvious weapon, though he never used it as such. Alec Sagewind fought with his mind, in conjunction with the essence of magic that flowed through his veins. Fewer and fewer men were born with such power these days.
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Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

Once I got past that, though, I didn't get hung up on anything else, and I'm curious to see how Alec fights with his mind.

I can take a look.

I don't have many gripes about the opening lines. You could break up the 1st paragraph, and the last 2 sentences of the 2nd paragraph are exposition that you could omit. I also have a prejudice against the last sentence -- sounds like something that's always happening in fantasy (the old ways disappearing), and in this case, I can't imagine how he'd know. Other men with such powers are likely in hiding, like him.

Unable to enjoy his bittersweet ale, Alec grimaced.

Simple enough, eh?

As to the rest, it's a lot of unnecessary exposition this early, I feel. The second sentence is mostly good, and sets up the story, perhaps, but then you start telling us about The Fallen. When you did, it slowed everything way down.

If you start with Alec, then I want to know about Alec and what he's going to do about these minions in the tavern. I don't necessarily need to know who they are just yet. I'd rather just see how Alec responds, or if someone approaches him. After, when everything is all over, you can explain. Maybe a little bit during.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

"Alec grimaced after sipping his red ale, unable to enjoy the bittersweet draught."

I think it sounds better, but that's just me.

quote:

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Posted by wbriggs:
had the same gripe against WP -- but then I found that there WAS a word count feature; it's just in a really weird place. It's under something like "properties" and it's under the file menu.

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Amazing. How could the software engineers justify that? Obviously the program was not designed with writers in mind (or writers who need to keep track of their work in detail, at least). Thanks for pointing that little gem of a 'tool' out.

quote:

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Other men with such powers are likely in hiding, like him.

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I'm not sure how you read that paragraph, but I never implied Alec was hiding permanently. Operating incognito, perhaps (and from a magical standpoint as well). In fact, his mentioning that he had not yet moved against criminals in the town implies the opposite...that it's his job to be known in most cases, but not this one.

The old ways disappearing are part of the plotline, but not in the usual sense of old ways gradually dying out. In this story, those with magic are being hunted by others for their blood (which many believe can grant them the same or similar powers as the gifted person had). This isn't completely true, though the subject is integral to the overall story and character motivation (not to mention the story's title).

As for the early exposition...it's really the only clear exposition you'll find for the first few pages. I like to briefly mention the Fallen, as they will feature strongly later in the tale. As for the 'minions'...I only identify two. The first is killed by his own treacherous weapon, and the second turns out to be an unlikely ally.

Thanks for the comments.

I had a bit of trouble with the second paragraph, it skirts POV violation, and it sounds a bit cheesy overall. The "as" construction in the first line tends to indicate simultineity, but isn't clear enough to avoid confusing the reader into thinking that the relationship might be causal. It takes several lines before we have enough information to understand that he is sipping his ale in the sense of drinking the ale in sips rather than taking a single sip, and his grimace is the cause of his lack of enjoyment rather than vice versa.

My solution would be to replace his grimace with the emotion that prompts it. That way there's no confusion. But it's a pretty minor point. The second paragraph was a more serious problem for me.

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“Oh, no...not again,” Brulek’s deep voice intoned, shaking the small room with its timbre. “You’re not getting me into this little skirmish, Alec. The last time I helped you, I came back lookin’ like my mother’s pincushion.”

“You didn’t feel a single one of those arrows, Bru,” Alec replied with a grin. “Your skin’s almost as thick as their shafts were long. And besides, it’s tough and rough enough to sand ironwood with.”

The Eastmoor giant grimaced. “Tell me about it. My wife wanted me to go see the shaman about something called a ‘moisturizing balm.’ She says my back scratches her raw while we’re sleeping.” He gave Alec a sour look. “But that’s not the point!”
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Any thoughts?

I like the beginning of this piece, it sets us in a situation that is tense, however, I get the feeling that it'll be over in a few moments.

I'll take a look if you'd like.

I agree with Survivor about the grimacing part when he's drinking his ale.

Something like: "Alec winced after he took a swig of his Harthian Red, forgetting the taste of the bittersweet draught he enjoyed so many years ago."

If that works for you go ahead and use it if y ou wish.

Send it over.

-Monolith-