posted
About 700 words, light scifi, with (hopefully) a funny twist. Product of one of the flashes.
Looking for comments on the opening and crits of the whole thing. Thanks in advance!
General Gontonyi surveyed the leading squad of the Trans-spacial Invasionary Force with pride. This would be the TIF’s greatest challenge – the first attempt to establish a beachhead on a populated world. He tapped Colonel Muskyar’s left forefoot with his right claw. “Colonel, are the latest reports in yet?”
“Yes, sir. It appears that the diversionary portal opened into a foodstuffs storage location. Science team Beta is examining the sample retrieved. Air temperature was approximately 40 degrees, sustained, as that is also the internal temperature of the sample. The primary invasion will enter another space, about ten claws distant, and oriented to face the diversionary portal. If the opposition has wormhole detection tech, we should know by their response to the diversionary opening.
posted
hmm, I found myself detaching from the story in the second paragraph, starting with the very dull sentence about the temperature. Then because I'd started to space out, I was confused by the second portal.
I think it would be more engaging if it weren't one giant chunk of dialog - try to find a way to break it up.
At the same time, be careful to void expository dialog - surely the General is familiar with the plans of his greatest achievement, and doesn't need his colonel to fill him in on major plan elements like the diversionary portal.
posted
Go ahead and send it over, I owe ya several.
I'd agree with Beth's comments about the exposition. I'm going to draw a parallel to Star Wars, if you don't mind, to explain my thoughts. In Episode 3, there are several scenes which seem to consist of dialogue like this: Anakin said, "Hello, I have important exposition to offer you." Obi wan said, "Why thank you, may I give you this exposition in return."
Yawn.
Now in Episode 4, when Vader first enters to talk to the lieutenent there is a scene with conflict, which happens to contain exposition so the dialogue goes something more like this: Vader stalks into the room, "I am extremely angry about the exposition I've just learned." Lieutenent cowers. "But lord Vader, we had exposition to deal with." "Then you had better learn to deal with exposition." Vader lifts him and strangles him with the force, thereby also providing visible exposition that he can do such things.
The point is, that we'll gladly listen to exposition if it's contained in a dramatic scene with conflict. At 700 words, you've got three hundred to spare before your story stops being flash. And if you wind up with a short story, who's going to complain?
posted
I have to agree with Beth. You started to lose me in the second paragraph. The comment about the 40 degree food stuffs, had me wondering if they were invading a McDonalds. Sorry I have worked a bit too much fast food in my life. Due to these thoughts, I was disengaged from a rather interesting first paragraph setting up an nice alien invasion.
I would proably finish the story though just to find out which paragraph was the truth of the story, alien invasion or McDonalds death trap.
If the intent is humor and you do blow up a McDonalds or something, I would recommend starting with a little less gritty feeling, let us know not to take things too seriously.
I would be interested in seeing the whole piece. Thank you for posting.
posted
Ditto about exposition, and: I think the twist at the end will be that the aliens get cooked and eaten by us.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:I think the twist at the end will be that the aliens get cooked and eaten by us
If that IS the twist (and I think it likely as well), then you definitely need to change your title. The title tells us these are crabs, or very much like crabs, and it hints that they will become dinner. Too many clues for a surprise ending!
posted
Thanks to all for your interest and remarks.
Beth: yep, that second paragraph needs some chopping up and reworking; you hit the proverbial nail just right.
MR: Having not seen SW 3, I can still appreciate the illustration. Well put, and thank you. And if you'll promise not to tone down the criticism, I'd be delighted for you to read the rest. It will soon be on its way.
Nipponb: Thanks for being willing to read. I'll send it along. I may have to find a way to work in the humor subtly, without giving up the point that the crabs are taking this invasion _very_ seriously. Any suggestions are welcome.
Dude: Thanks; it's on the way.
wbriggs: Thanks for the reinforcement about the exposition. I've often wondered if some of the things I saw in that sushi place were really of earthly origin.
Susan: It's headed to your strand of the web. Suggestions for a better title are always welcome.
posted
I had a mixed reaction. The first was incredulity that this would be their first attempt to invade a populated world, particularly if they're using controlled wormholes that they can open easily enough to use them for diversionary/reconnaissance purposes.
I agree that your title probably gives away too much, but this story is only 700 words.
I actually liked your second paragraph, though "about 40 degrees" yanked my suspension of disbelief for some reason. "Very cold, only slightly above freezing" would have worked better for me. And of course, having the actual invasion enter a space that they have to know is designed to be rapidly heated seems a bit obtuse to me.
That's probably everything I have to say about this story.
posted
No, the passage is clearly supposed to describe a refrigerator, though the scale initially implies a larger area. But it's a fridge. The problem is that by casually using a measurement of degrees Fahrenheit to indicate an imprecise ("about") temperature, you remind me of the fact that these little crabs are speaking English, have military ranks like "General" and "Colonel", use an acronym to indicate the term "Trans-spacial Invasionary Force" and so on.
In one sense, it's just the straw that breaks the camel's back. Saying "about 40 degrees" just doesn't sound like a translation from another language, and most certainly doesn't describe the most important aspect of that temperature to an invertebrate. For us, that's very cool. To an invertebrate, particularly ones that apparently are small enough to think of the fridge and the oven as distinct locations for military purposes, it's an entirely different matter.
posted
Perhaps the crabs need their own temperature gauge that sounds sufficiently crab-like? It might heighten the effect and make these intense crabs even more silly.
[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited May 27, 2005).]
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