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Howdy folks! Could really use your feedback on this. I've got four chapters finished so far and will be pushing to finish it by the end of June so anyone interested in reading more I'd sure appreciate the help! Thanks
The Misadventures of a teen-age wizard
“No, I will not calm down! My son is not responsible for this mess and you have no right to suspend him for the actions of that bully.”
I couldn’t help but hear Mom yell, as I was sitting just outside Principal Harkins office on one of those plastic, orange chairs that seem to reproduce in every school I’ve ever been to. I already knew I was being suspended. Principal Harkins had made that pretty clear from the moment I showed up in his office with a bloody nosed Nolan Underwood
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Johansen. I know it’s been a tough year on Jeremy with his father’s disappearance, but I cannot accept this kind of behavior. Just be grateful I’m only suspending them for a week. It could be worse.”
posted
It's interesting, because even though you do a lot of things that I would usually nit, I don't hate this so far, so you seem to be pulling it off.
Whether you can continue to pull this off for an entire novel worth is another question.
One comment I will make: "Misadventures of a teen-age wizard" is so totally derivative that I'd need a really good justification for that to be the title. And even then, any sane publisher will insist that you come up with something else.
But that's neither here nor there. I'd be willing to read the first chapter or so of this and see if it continues to work.
In fact, the only thing I feel like I can add to this is asking if you could streamline the sentence about the chairs a little. There are a lot of clauses/modifiers. It gives a really good sense of place, and the idea that he's been to a lot of schools, but I got a little tangled reading it. A very, very little tangled. In fact, probably I'm only mentioning it so I have something to mention.
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Thanks for the comments. I'll definitely fix the tangled sentence. This is a young adult novel (in case you hadn't discovered that already) and I'm experimenting with the first person persepctive. Is it working or awkard? Oh, and the title is a working title...I hadn't intended to keep it. Posts: 12 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I'd skip the first paragraph, and either let Principal Harkin's voice be inaudible (which is likely) or have him say something a little less dull.
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I think the voice works very well. In fact, I think that's what makes opening with dialogue (something I often shy away from) work for me. Having spent a good deal of time in schools, I know how well voices can carry and I like the idea of this kid sitting there and eavesdropping.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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