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In the time that followed Jack’s demise Harry felt that he had fallen into a pit of darkness, life seemed not to have any meaning any more. Jack was a good friend, but Harry could have never guessed what he had been planning to do. Evil had consumed Jack’s very soul and with the loss of his fortune, life had become a dark place, perhaps that is why his mental health deteriorated so dramatically through his last days.
Jack was a good friend of Harry’s they were like brothers, raised together, taught everything they knew by each other, they married in the same church at the same time, friends until the end. But the end had been too near for Jack.
So much to live for, a family, two children aged 3 and 5 a loving wife and friends with everyone he met, but darkness had fallen toward him, a fortune was lost taken from him not by a person but by God. Struck down was he the only choice left was to take his life. Harry didn’t have a clue about his fortune; he had come into the fortune very quickly and had lost it just as fast.
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There are a lot of run-on sentences in this. It's easy enough to follow, but more comma's and periods need to be inserted at various places:
ex. "In the time that follow Jack's demise[,] Harry felt that he had fallen into a pit of darkness[.] Life seemed not to have any meaning anymore.
That's two [inserted] marks in just the first sentence. The period can be either a period, a dash or a semicolon; any of the three makes sense.
It seems like this portion starts in Harry's point of view, but in the last sentence of the first paragraph it seems as though it's omniscient.
There is also a lot of telling, not showing. I don't really want to read any further, because I feel I already know everything about Harry and Jack's relationship..
On the telling vs showing - take a look at the vague generalizations, like "life seemed not to have meaning any more." Is there any way you can show this through specific details instead of telling it? How does a man who feels that way act that would express that sentiment? Does he stand around on a bridge in the rain moping? Does he go to bed and stay there? Does he act cheerful and fool everyone but go home and drink heavily at night? Show me who he is instead of just telling me, and it will be a lot more engaging.
Harry woke up, wiped the gum out of his eyes, and put his feet on the floor. Carole was still sleeping. Sometimes, at night, he could forget, and it didn't feel so awful, but as soon as he awoke, he remembered. Jack was still dead.
OK, so I didn't pick the best place to start -- everybody wakes up, but it's probably better to start with a more significant event -- but you get the idea. (I started to say, you know your story, but you may not yet. If not, create it! I think in terms of scenes: Harry is in this place doing that. Then he's somewhere else doing that. Etc.)
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