posted
Ok here I go, first ever post I have made for comment...
This is planned as a short story, family man in deep space, a diplomat on a first contact mission. The story is interspersed with diary entries, this being the first: -
Digby Traynor - First Contact Attaché - Personal Diary Diplomatic Yacht Enola Gay February 14th 2452
Day 47 of this mission has begun like all the others, white walls and recycled air. I am so bored I have even forgotten where I am supposed to be going and no longer much care why. How much longer until we reach this godforsaken place?
I swore I wouldn’t get cajoled into any more deep space first contact situations but the credits always seem to change my mind. Seresse begged me not to go this time. I came anyway.
It’s the betrayal in my daughter’s eyes I keep seeing though. Three year olds just don’t understand the need for a parent to work to secure their future. It’s all ‘here and now’. Time is all they want. It should be so simple but somehow it never is.
She will understand when she’s older that this was all for the best.
[this is only 12 lines as a word document, I hope it doesn't end up more online and break the rules]
posted
Sorry to be so rough, but I think it will help.
I'm not quite enthusiastic about reading further, but I'd keep going a short while to see if something interesting happens. He's going to meet aliens, and I'm hopeful they'll be interesting. Is the narrator supposed to be a whiner? If so, that could be interesting, if it isn't too irritating. (It wasn't irritating to me, but I did want him to stop complaining and get to the action. So he misses his family -- people do, but I'd rather meet aliens.)
My comments, with [deletions] and ADDITIONS:
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Digby [A FUNNY NAME; IS THIS INTENTIONAL?] Traynor - [EDITORS PREFER -- OR --- UNLESS YOU REALLY MEAN -] First Contact Attaché - Personal Diary Diplomatic Yacht Enola Gay [THE NAME OF THE AIRPLANE THAT DROPPED THE FIRST A-BOMB. AND THEY GAVE THIS NAME TO A SHIP GOING TO MEET ALIENS! ARE THEY TOUGH GUYS PLANNING TO BLOW UP THE ALIENS, OR ARE THEY UNBELIEVABLY CLUELESS?
I ALSO NOTE THAT IT'S A 20TH-CENTURY NAME. AMAZING HOW OFTEN PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE THINK OF THINGS IN THE 20TH CENTURY! I UNDERSTAND, BUT I SUGGEST IMAGINING YOUR FUTURE WORLD ENOUGH THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO RELY ON 20TH-CENTURY EVENTS MUCH. OR GO FURTHER BACK IN HISTORY -- NAME IT THE JUDAS, OR THE GENGHIS KHAN, IF YOU WANT TO EVOKE MASS DEATH.] February 14th 2452 [YOU'LL NEED TO CONVINCE ME THAT 400 YEARS HAD PASSED -- THINGS BETTER BE PRETTY DIFFERENT. YOU CAN ELIMINATE SOME OF THIS PROBLEM BY JUST NOT MENTIONING THE YEAR.]
Day 47 of this mission has begun like all the others, white walls and recycled air. I am so bored [ONE OF THE PROBLEMS WITH TELLING THE READER THE SITUATION IS BORING IS HE MIGHT BELIEVE YOU -- AND STOP READING! IF YOU MUST, YOU MUST, BUT IT'S A RISK.] I have even forgotten where I am supposed to be going and no longer much care why. How much longer until we reach this godforsaken place?
I swore I wouldn’t get cajoled into any more deep space first contact situations but the credits always seem to change my mind. Seresse begged me not to go this time. I came anyway.
It’s the betrayal in my daughter’s eyes I keep seeing though. Three year olds just don’t understand the need for a parent to work to secure their future. It’s all ‘here and now’. Time is all they want. It should be so simple but somehow it never is.
She will understand when she’s older that this was all for the best.
--
So far nothing's happening except someone's bored -- not a great hook! But I would want to know about the aliens.
I get the impression he's alone on the ship. Very strange, for first contact with aliens. What if he gets sick, or killed? Isn't first contact important to humanity any more?
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited May 19, 2005).]
posted
I think that the diary entries might be a crutch for you to support the story. I bet you can work all of these character thoughts and feelings into the story itself without needing the gimmick of a diary. That said, I don't have anything again this entry, per se. It doesn't really twist my nipples, either.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Thanks, I see your points. Enola Gay was me having a laugh I think, ironic at best I suppose.
My thought process was to set up a rather disillusioned character who has his priorities all wrong. That is the thrust of the story really, its the first contact situation that allows him to see his mistakes.
He's not alone by the way but it is fairly small scale.
Anyway, much obliged.
Rahl22 - are you male or female...?!
[This message has been edited by Eddy Gemmell (edited May 19, 2005).]
posted
There are situations to ask that, and situations not to ask. This is a "not" situation (truthfully, on this board it is almost never fully legitimate to ask somebody their sex, age, race, religion, etc.). It's okay to ask if the question is rhetorical and you're just kidding (like asking a guy if he's really a guy).
I've got to say, I pretty much concur with wbriggs on this opening, with particular attention to the name, date, Enola Gay, and all that. Also, your character voice isn't working for me. The attitudes just aren't there. That's a particular problem since this is setting up to be a character story.
posted
I have no problem with the use of a diary to start a story, but a diary needs have a different, more personal, voice than a straight forward text would have. Why don't you try rewriting this starting with the last sentence and phrasing it as a question. Something like- Will she understand when she is older that this was all for the best? Then really get into your character's head and have fun. As it reads now he is writing things in his diary that do not read as if they are personal thoughts or even thoughts for an offical log, but rather an information dump for the readers benefit.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited May 20, 2005).]
On the other hand, raising the question...oh, let's all just forget anything that we might have been thinking about. I'll just say that I wasn't worried about offending Rahl so much as pursuing an inquiry into things we don't wish to know.
posted
I don't have any objection to someone asking about me, here -- although I may not answer. That should be the easiest way for some to keep themselves secret and others not to.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
If I might suggest, as an exercise, try writing some of the diary entries before this to get a feel for the progression of his thoughts onboard. As others have said, the diary entry doesn't feel like character voice. Actually, for me, it's that it drops in and out of the voice.
I've spent a lot of time on tour, and I can't think of why I would say "this tour has begun like all the others..." over a month into it.
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