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Genre: Speculative drifting towards light horror 2300 words
This is a rough-draft expansion of another flash challenge. I would like readers for the whole thing. The ending in particular has issues.
--Mel
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Kevin swiped a copy of The Daily Bobcat from the newsstand as he walked past. The headline read “Student Union Demolition To Begin In January.”
“I hate all this construction,” AJ said. He crowded into Kevin, trying to read the article.
Kevin pushed him away. “Get your own copy!” he said. “I'm trying to read this.”
They crossed University Drive and walked down the Path of Olives towards their dorm. The shade was a welcome relief after the searing sunlight. AJ stopped at a railing that fenced off concrete steps leading underground. He leaned over the rail and peered into the darkness.
“Wouldn't it be cool to explore the tunnels?” he said.
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You make it sound like no one has ever explored these tunnels before, which seems weird because a mere railing is not going to stop university students. At least not the ones I know. I'm thinking these tunnels, were they at a typical university, would be the favorite hang-out. You might want to "beef-up" the entrance, maybe have a wrough iron gate or something.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Story sent to LDS and Sparky. Thanks for reading.
quote:a mere railing is not going to stop university students
Oh! You're right, that could use some more description. The picture in my mind was of stairs leading down to a locked door, and the railing was just to keep people from falling into the hole. Thanks for pointing that out.
quote:“I hate all this construction,” AJ said. He crowded into Kevin, trying to read the article.
This is a nitpicky thing, but may I suggest switching these two sentences? To me, it seems like AJ can't comment on the construction if he hasn't read the headline yet.
I'm behind on crits right now, but let me know if you need a second reader.
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MaryRobinette, since you're busy, I'll keep you in mind for the next version. I revise quickly, so that will probably be ready in the next week or so, depending on how fast critiques come back.
Lanius and TaSha, thanks for volunteering. I've sent it.
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Sorry, Mel, I've been remiss. I'm frantically rewriting my own and have not yet gotten to yours. Is tomorrow okay? It's just that I promised OSC a rewrite in the next day and I'm not done yet.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Thanks Mel, when you have the rewrite ready just send it to me. Hopefully I'll be out of the weeds by then.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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