posted
~800 word fantasy. I'm looking for any kind of feedback you want to give. I'll email the rest to you if you're willing.
First 13:
Xoco stood on the beach, asking the gods for an answer, when it came in the form of a fireball, brilliantly orange, streaking across the sky. It shrieked like an Alga-monkey, a stream of black smoke stretched behind, and crashed into the sea--driving a plume of water towering into the sky. It was as clear an answer as she could hope for: she’d kill her father tonight.
It was a spectacular vision and after a moment of reverent reflection, as mist from the impact gently graced her skin, she turned away from the water and strode back into the jungle--a silhouette of the falling star burned forever into her vision. The night’s darkness was smooth, tangible around her, and she hurried to her father’s hut, stepping lightly over undergrowth and brush.
posted
I don't know what an Alga-monkey is, but they'd better be pretty darn big if you're going to compare them to a fireball thundering out of the sky and smashing into the ocean. I don't think you meant for it to be comical, but I'm afraid I chuckled. So sorry, but you might want to come up with a more appropriately awe-inspiring comparison.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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It sounds interesting, there seems to be a couple of odd bits in the first paragraph:
brilliantly orange: I don't think we need 'brilliantly' IMO
quote: It shrieked like an Alga-monkey, a stream of black smoke stretched behind, and crashed into the sea--driving a plume of water towering into the sky.
The tenses seems inconsistent to me, I could be wrong. It also sounds like the smoke plume crashed into the sea.
Towering and plume together seem like one too many adjectives.
quote: The night’s darkness was smooth, tangible around her,
Personally I don't like doubled-up adjectives.
Perhaps pick the important one.
It may be the name Xoco, the Alga-monkey reference and the jungle combination, but it reads (to me) like this creature is some sort of simian rather than a human.
(Xoco reminds me of Coco from Coco-lossal CocoPops fame.)
I will read the whole thing if you will send it to me.
Edited for formatting. (Four tries later)
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 17, 2004).]
Good question. I guess I assumed that if you're asking your respective deity for a sign, then it is in the form of a yes or no question. Might just be me, though.
Magic Beans,
No offense taken! Is it the fact that the creature is a monkey that throws you off (monkeys can be funny) or simply that you don't know what an Alga-monkey is? I'll definitely think about it, but if you're the only one that takes issue--I might just ignore you
Everyone else,
Thanks for volunteering! I'll send the emails when I get home tonight.
posted
I think my writing suffers from some of the complex sentence structure problems yours does. Funny how it becomes more obvious in another person's writing. I'll gladly look at the entire piece.
Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2004
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One comment, the first paragraph could stand alone, IMO. In other words, with a little work--as stated above--it could be followed by a scene break instead of going into the much less interesting stuff about Xoco reflecting on the vision and her moving through the jungle. You could even just get rid of the first sentence of the second paragraph and start, roughly, with the second. But you'd have to make some kind of transition between the brightness of the meteor streak and the darkness. Like, "The night's darkness returned, smooth and tangible around her..."
posted
It's the fact that it's a monkey. Monkeys are comical to me. I know they can be frightening, too, but not in the same way as a crashing meteor is.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I liked it, and the monkey thing did not bother me a bit. The second paragraph seemed a bit anti-climatic based on the punch of the first. Maybe a faster switch into the next bit of action? Shorts that short usually seem to work best if they stay pretty punchy.
I'd be willing to read if you still need readers in December.
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