posted
Here goes nothin'.... Tear it up, folks. Here's the first thirteen of a sci-fi short story totalling about 2,200 words. If you're willing to tackle the rest, let me know. Thanks in advance.
My gun is only ten inches long, from the external power connector on the back to the tip of the lens at the front. It's just a piece of plastics, metals, and composites. It's not even one of the new smart guns they're rigging the exoskeletons with these days (frankly, I'm not quite sure why they bother putting people in those exos anymore -- the suit and weapons are smarter than your average chemical engineer).
My gun, though, you just point, pull the trigger, and whatever is on the other end gets a hole burnt in it. It was really meant to take down a hydra (slug weapons, at least the ones you can carry around, aren't much good on them), but it works just fine on people.
[This message has been edited by Minister (edited October 26, 2004).]
posted
Ah, nothing like a story about a man and his peni--gun, I mean gun. This opening isn't doing it for me. I can't take it seriously.
I don't know who this person is. There's nobody to care about or root for. I don't know where we are, so I am not anchored in a place or a context.
Also, the gun is described so vaguely that I don't belive it exists. I hesitate to say that, because even if you rewrote it and described the gun in loving, almost sexual detail, I think there may be a better way to start the story.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 26, 2004).]
I can't say that I'm ever going to be particularly fond of first-person openings. That said, you do manage to introduce a fair amount of material about the milieu of the story, reveal a bit about the character, and even suggest the direction of the narrative in this opening, so it doesn't horrify me.
posted
This opening didn't really do it for me. I like your detail, and your promise for an interesting world, but I think you could root me in that world in a more solid way before jumping into this techno.
I'm also hugely against two parentheticals so early in the story. Since you're using first person, you can probably replace them with an emdash -- your audience is more used to seeing them, and they're a bit more conventional these days.
posted
Actually, I like the way this blends the dime-store detective novel with the world of sci-fi. The gun is described in plenty of detail for me to form an image, without bogging me down with unnecessaries.
I'd like to read it, but I'm behind on crits. May I be a round 2 reader?
MB, I'm working on a drastic re-write of the opening, taking a completely different approach. I'm having trouble fitting it to the story and character, though. I'll post it when I'm done, and maybe you'll let me know if it's something you would be more likely to read.
Survivor, the rest will soon be in the (e)mail. The first person is an experiment, trying to broaden my writing horizons beyond third person past; if there is something about my usage or style that is awkward or incorrect, I'd love to get your take on it (as well as any particular suggestions about a snazzier opening).
Rahl22, you should have seen how many parenthesis were in this story before my last round of editing! That said, I still need to find better ways of working exlanation and commentary into the narrative. Part of that whole first person thing.
Mary, just let me know when you are ready. I'd be delighted to have your feedback at any point in the process.
posted
Thanks, MB. I'll send the current version, with my new intro, your way. I'm posting the new beginning as the start of another thread.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Correct. This is an earlier version of the beginning. Since you didn't like it as much as the later one, it's good to know that I'm headed in the right direction. Thanks.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
For myself, I have to say that the other narrator was a real turn-off. This narrator seems pretty straightforward and intelligent, with insights into something other than his own belly-button.
But then, I'm the sort of person that reads non-fiction that reads as follows.
quote:Manufactured by the C-More Systems Company, the XM-26 accessory is an awe-inspiring weapon to look at. When mounted on an M4A1 carbine, the XM-26 makes you wonder if C-More Systems Company's favorite movie happens to be Aliens. You may recall one of the final scenes in that movie where Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) goes in a last ditch effort to find Newt (Carrie Henn) - the little girl taken by the slimy suckers. To protect herself, Ripley takes a rifle/shotgun combo weapon with her, similar in design to the XM-26. Not only did Ripley end up finding Newt, she laid down the smack-down on those acid-spewing critters. Think she could have done that without the shotgun capability of her gun? We think not.
If it worked for Ripley, it can work for our military.
Sorry, I've been looking for a chance to quote that ever since I read it
posted
I like this version of the beginning more. It seems more honest somehow - the other one sounds, to me, as if you're trying too hard to be evocative or something - I'm not sure I'm saying it right, but I like this one more.
I'll read either version, though. Pick one and send it to me.
posted
Survivor, I'm not really sure what it says about me, but I loved that quote.
Beth, I've sent the story. You're getting the updated version, but most of the material from the original is still in the story. Thanks for looking at it.
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This opening isn't doing it for me. I can't take it seriously. 
