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Author Topic: The First Ambassador
EricJamesStone
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NOTE: I do not need comments on this fragment or this story. I'm just briefly reviving this thread because the story got published.


quote:
When I was fired after ten years as a science reporter for the New York Times, the editor told me I'd never get a job with a decent paper again. He was right, at first: no one wanted to hire a reporter who had taken bribes to write a series of articles about a non-existent technology in order to inflate the value of a company being used in a stock swindle, even if I had managed to get off without serving time.

Yes, I took the money. Yes, it was a stupid thing to do, and if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't have. I had my reasons at the time; what they were don't matter. All that matters is that no newspaper or TV channel in the country would touch me after that. I tried freelancing for a couple of webzines, but it didn't pay the bills.



If you want to critique just these first 13 lines, go ahead. I'm also looking for people to critique the whole thing (about 7800 words.)

[This message has been edited by EricJamesStone (edited February 21, 2007).]


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Christine
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I'll read it. Send it over.
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Pyre Dynasty
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Nice, it evokes some corporate espionage that shows what sort of trouble he's in. I also feel like giving him advice.
The senctences run-on a little, I have trouble with that myself. That can probably be fixed by turning some of those commas into periods.

"no one wanted to hire a reporter who had taken bribes to write a series of articles about a non-existent technology in order to inflate the value of a company being used in a stock swindle, even if I had managed to get off without serving time."

This seems like a lot of info for a single sentence. Perhaps you could simplify just to the bribes and talk about why the bribes took place later.


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AeroB1033
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quote:
I had my reasons at the time; what they were don't matter.

I'm not sure whether you intentionally used "don't" instead of "doesn't", but even if so, I would think that a scientist and journalist would use correct grammar.

I also agree that that one sentence Pyre mentioned seems a little long and cram-packed with information, making it a bit difficult to digest. But it's not a big problem.

Other than that, no complaints. Drew me in, sounds like the start to an interesting story. Smacks a little bit of Crichton at the moment

[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited March 27, 2004).]


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Kolona
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I'll have a look.
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punahougirl84
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Send it my way - I'm still struggling to edit Onion Man! After the recent tales of false stories filed by reporters, I'm intrigued by your twist

punahougirl84ATyahooDOTcom

Lee


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Lord Darkstorm
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I'll give it a go.
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yanos
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Me too. Intrigued by your intrigue.
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Survivor
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Hah! Of course I'd be willing to critique it.
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GZ
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I've got some time to take a look.
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EricJamesStone
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OK, I think I have enough volunteers for full feedback now. I've sent the story to everyone above; if you didn't receive it, let me know.
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Fahrion Kryptov
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Sweet- I'd love to critique it.
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EricJamesStone
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I want to thank everyone for the feedback on this story. After some revision, a retitling, and a long wait, this story was just published as the cover story of IGMS issue 4.

http://www.intergalacticmedicineshow.com/cgi-bin/mag.cgi?do=issue&vol=i4&article=_001


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wbriggs
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Congrats!

How relieved we can all be that we didn't say it totally sucked!


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kings_falcon
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Congrats!!!

It's nice to see that you kept working on it and got it published! Well done.


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