posted
Here are 13 lines to my short story, "The Once and Future Queen." I'm using the first page as my application submission for OSC's bootcamp. So, if anyone would be willing to read JUST THE FIRST PAGE (not too much of a commitment), and offer suggestions, that would make me feel better. I'm going to need to mail this out by Friday or so..
Without any further ado...
Annia huddled in the darkness, the closeness of the cave pressed in around her like a dank, dirty blanket. It was foolish to have come here, she knew, recklessly cornering herself in a place with no retreats, no safe exit. It went against everything her mother taught her, back before Ven drove a four-inch blade into Mother’s throat.
“Annia, stop running!” shouted Ven. Her voice ghosted through the chasms of the stone fissure, echoing off the walls -- lending her presence an ubiquitous quality. She sounded angry, and Annia could picture her face, twisted with fury, as she rushed like a feral wolf through the tunnels. The walls seemed to close in around her. She was supposed to be safe here; no one was supposed to search these caves. Not these caves. Ven had no respect for sacred ground.
posted
I'd be happy to read your first page! Definitely hooked by your lines. A couple of suggestions -
- "Annia huddled in the darknessSEMICOLON the closeness..."
- You seem to have a contradiction - she calls herself foolish in the first para, "cornering herself in a place with no retreats, no safe exit." In the next para, she makes us think she would have been smart to go there "supposed to be safe here; no one was supposed to search these caves..." that they are sacred ground.
- I love the bit about Ven driving the blade into her (their?) Mother's throat - I picture a guy, then it is revealed twho sentences later that Ven is female - really pulls the reader in!
posted
Although a semicolon would work, putting one in a first sentence seems to me to make the first sentence less dynamic, and I don't think you'd want to remove any punch there. I'd suggest either breaking it into two sentences or change 'pressed' to 'pressing.'
quote:It was foolish to have come here, she knew
Verbs don't seem to agree with POV. Maybe 'to be there' or 'to have gone there.' Or make it a direct thought, ie, 'she thought' rather than 'she knew.'
But I think my mental processes are starting to shut down for the night, so feel free to send the page.
posted
I hope you don't mind some line by line nits. This is really very close to good, for most other opennings I would have made a couple general remarks and left it alone, but as you have a specific purpose in mind for it and you are looking for as good as possible, let's see what we can do to help.
quote:Annia huddled in the darkness, the closeness of the cave pressed in around her like a dank, dirty blanket.
What, EXACTLY, are you trying to get across with this openning sentence? Forgetting one sentence or two, semicolons or commas ... What are you trying to say? Here is what I try in a situation like this. I picture in my mind where Anna was, where she is going, what she is doing now, and WHY. Why has Anna stopped and huddled here? Why isn't she still running? Is she inside a cave with no back exit? Is she able to dig herself in deeper, to move further back into the cave? Of course you cannot relay all of this information in a sentence, but this sentence should feel as if you do know all of this information. It is the first, the most important. It sets the tone.I also have trouble with the simile of the blanket, however dank and dirty the blanket might be. Caves are sharp, jagged, and rocky. Either that or they are slimy and muddy. The primary thing that comes to my mind is darkness, coldness, and rock. And now that I've made you stress over all of that, I have one final thought....don't try too hard. Picture the scene perfectly and then write it naturally.
quote:It was foolish to have come here, she knew, recklessly cornering herself in a place with no retreats, no safe exit.
You do not need to say "she knew" at all. In modern styling, once you establish Anna as the POV character (which you did superbly in sentence 1) you do not need to explain that everything else is what she thought or knew. Also, "gone there" would keep in third person better.
quote:It went against everything her mother taught her, back before Ven drove a four-inch blade into Mother’s throat.
had taught....otherwise great sentence. This is what first hooked me.
quote:“Annia, stop running!” shouted Ven. Her voice ghosted through the chasms of the stone fissure, echoing off the walls -- lending her presence an ubiquitous quality.
I was surprised to hear Ven's voice, especially since she said to stop running. I thought Anna was hidden and huddled, so that she would not be running and Ven would not know where she was. This is one of the reasons I suggested picturing the scene.
quote:She sounded angry, and Annia could picture her face, twisted with fury, as she rushed like a feral wolf through the tunnels.
period after angry? Otherwise good imagery.
quote:The walls seemed to close in around her. She was supposed to be safe here; no one was supposed to search these caves. Not these caves. Ven had no respect for sacred ground.
If she feels so safe here then why did she admonish herself earlier? Other than that question, I thought this was very well written. I would cut out the sentence "Not these caves." it seemed redundant.
Very good luck with this piece. Even with the contradictions, I am hooked and curious. Smooth it out a bit and above all...relax. I think one of the biggest problems writers have is overediting and making a piece sound unnatural. Be yourself and let your own personal style come through. Most of your sentences were written quite well. Besides, what's the worst that can happen? You spend another year learning and growing and go in 2005!
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