posted
Looking for a reader for this 2K Realistic Fiction, mostly comments on whether it can be extended.
Milan hated her “brother.” They had no blood in common, so it wasn’t forbidden to harbor negative feelings towards him, but she could not express this dislike in any form if she wished to stay alive. Her family–her father in particular–would kill her if she offended him in any way. That would have the risk of driving him away, and nobody was willing to think of the consequences if he were to leave. Milan knew that saying anything that was not praise to Daniel would be the equivalent of planting a gun to her own forehead and pulling the trigger. And all because Daniel was the chief “harvester.” Harvesters were the food-gatherers in a family. Their job was to find a farm and maintain it for as long as possible with the tools on hand. When the farm broke down, as it was sure to do without new equipment, they were trusted to find another one.
My first impression upon reading this is that it’s basically a block of telling/info-dump. Nothing has actually happened in the 1st 13, you’ve just given us a summary of important story facts. It reads to me that you have an interesting conflict for the story, but I’d prefer to infer and learn about the characters and conflict rather than being flat-out told. I’d personally start with Milan’s POV and have her interact with her family. We can learn about Daniel’s favoured status, what would happen if he’s driven away, etc. through following her interactions with the other characters.
IMO, the facts about Harvesters can come later in the story; it doesn’t seem vital at this stage.
posted
Thanks for the advice Nick. Though, given the layout for the story, it would be a bit difficult for me to have action in the first few lines. Would you be interested in seeing the whole thing and then giving advice? Or do you think I should work on the first 13 lines before I give anybody the full thing?
The story is told detached, without any character POVs. The effect was supposed to be that the whole thing would seem like an in-depth, nearly omniscient documentary rather than an anecdote from one character. Looking back now I see that that was not the best idea.
[This message has been edited by Jojiro (edited January 19, 2009).]
The first 13 doesn't necessarily have to have overt "action" (it can be something as simple as someone thinking), but it does have to get us to the next "page". The easiest way to make us read past 13 lines is to make us curious about a character or situation. Some writers are able to make us curious by giving us an info-dump right up the front, but it's very tricky.
In this case, why don't you start with Milan making a decision of some kind? In my opinion, all the information you have in the 1st 13 is easy to show through interaction and dialogue; my rule of thumb is that if you can show it quickly and easily, do so.
quote:The story is told detached, without any character POVs. The effect was supposed to be that the whole thing would seem like an in-depth, nearly omniscient documentary rather than an anecdote from one character. Looking back now I see that that was not the best idea.
This is incredibly hard. I'm sure it can be done, but most readers prefer to have characters to follow.
Send it through, but I won't be able to get around to it straight away.
posted
It may be just me but I'm having trouble following and figuring out what you are saying in story//you seem to be saying that speaking out against Daniel is bad// and has lethal consequences for Milan but I don't know if it intrigues me enough to want to know why// I can't picture whats going on I guess is what I'm trying to say
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 19, 2009).]
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